OK. For the first couple months I was in too much pain to think of telling OMs wife. Then I told myself "after the holidays". Well here I am. I think I'm going to send her a registered letter so I'm certain she gets it. Here is my first draft. I'd appreciate any comments, either about the content, or about the advisability of sending it. W, of course, would rather I not send it, and I may still chicken out, but I feel guilty I didn't tell right away. She has a right to know. <P>There is no contact between them now, and I really don't fear it starting up again, so I'm really just telling for her to protect herself. I will confess to hoping OM suffers as a result. I'm just a little unsure if all this is worth stirring this up.<BR>Dave (letter follows)<P>xxx,<BR>First of all, I’ll say that this is a very tough letter to write. Please try to understand that I do this reluctantly, I do not wish to cause any trouble. I hope you will come to understand that I write only because I feel morally obligated to do so. There were people who could have told me and failed to do so. This caused much more damage than would have occurred had they told.<P>Your husband and my wife had a sexual relationship for over 2 years. This is most certainly true. If this is causing you serious pain, please know that I understand. I tell you because you have a right to know. You, and your child, have been put at risk of disease. You should be tested right away. Your husband had a relationship with at least one other woman, though I have no knowledge if it was sexual, my wife was having sex with others, so the threat is multiplied.<P>As I said, I write reluctantly. I know this will be tough. I’m not including much information here because you have the right to deal with this on your own. I do not relish the idea of reopening these wounds. The relationship between them is over. We have changed all our contact information. I will not allow any contact with him, and she does not want any. I have set up an email account at:<BR>xxxxx@xxxxx.com<BR>If you have anything you need to ask, I ask that you email me at this address. Please do not attempt to contact any other way. I will check for messages frequently. I have some information, and should your husband deny it, it could most certainly be proven. Some of these things are extremely painful, so I would hesitate to say things that hurt so badly.<P>Also, try to understand this. I consider you completely innocent xxx, neither of us deserved this. I have very strong feelings however about your husband. I will not seek him out, but I say this. He should get on his knees and pray for forgiveness. He has a lot to repent. He pursued my wife. She said no, but he persisted. She’s a very weak person, and we were trying to build a life together in recovery from some bad situations in the past. He found a weakness in her and exploited her shamelessly. My marriage, and my life is in shambles because of this. <P>God bless you xxx. This is the toughest thing I’ve ever had to face. I hope you come to see that continuing to live a lie is not the way. At least now you know the truth.<P>xxxxxxxx<P><p>[This message has been edited by Davidb (edited January 13, 2001).]

I dont' know David. If I got a letter like that I just don't know what I would have done. Be careful here, she did nothing wrong and you sound angry with her. Please, find a way to sound a little more kind to her.<P>Hold on to the letter for a day or two. If she doesn't know it is going to blow her world apart...as you know.<P>Are you sure your motive is not just to hurt the OM here? Why not send him a letter instead, send him a copy of this draft to his wife and give him a chance to tell her himself. Don't punish his wife, she has done nothing to you...she is a victim here too.<P>There may be others here that would disagree with me because it does feel better to know...but you have given her a ton to deal with in your letter. Can you at least hold back on telling her about the STD thing until she e-mails you? It's an awful lot to digest in one letter David.<P>Don't do this for the wrong reasons.<P>allison

dupe, see below<p>[This message has been edited by Mike C2 (edited January 13, 2001).]

I have to agree with Mike on the anonymity factor here. You can always set up an anonymous email account, too.<P>I believe that the BS should be told, for a myriad of reasons, mainly because it is an issue of public health. <P>I also feel that there is a more gentle way of telling the W about this. I received email (anonymously) from someone tipping me off to H's EMR, and I wish that they had been more gentle and shown even more compassion. <P>I have some suggestions, David, if you would like to hear them.<P>belld

<B>[QUOTE]Originally posted by Davidb:<BR>[b]I'd appreciate any comments, either about the content, or about the advisability of sending it.</B><P>What are the chances this guy is going to come to your house and start spraying bullets around?<P><B>Your husband and my wife had a sexual relationship for over 2 years. This is most certainly true.</B><P>I think that this is awkwardly stated...at first I read it as 'almost certainly true'. You might rephrase, as it is probably the most important sentence in the letter. Maybe state that it has been admitted to you by your W.<P><B>You, and your child, have been put at risk of disease. You should be tested right away.</B><P>Has your wife tested positive for anything? If not, I'm not sure that this isn't fearmongering. This will be enough bad news without straying from strict facts. If your wife hasn't been tested, and had unprotected sex with him and others, that should be related.<P><B>Your husband had a relationship with at least one other woman, though I have no knowledge if it was sexual,</B><P>Again, stick to what you know. <P><B>He pursued my wife. She said no, but he persisted. She’s a very weak person, and we were trying to build a life together in recovery from some bad situations in the past. He found a weakness in her and exploited her shamelessly.</B><P>There may be another side to this. He will jump on any arguable discrepancies to discredit the other facts in the letter. <P>I may be alone in this, but, personally, I think that the only time to notify the OP is when the affair is at the point of creating a divorce, and it is time to roll the dice. You may have more downside then upside here. The whole episode will be a lovebuster for your W, it may wind up disseminating news around that is unflattering to her. If someone winds up dead in an emotional act of violence, you will all be caught up in a media circus, even if it isn't yourself or your family that is hurt.<P>You also may risk him being thrown out and rekindling something with your W.<P>If I were you, I might find an anonymous way to inform her.<P>Mike<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Mike C2 (edited January 13, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I have some suggestions, David, if you would like to hear them.<P><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Yes, of course. You can post, or if they are "personal" you can email. <P>Az, and Mike, I'm listening to your suggestions too. I know I'm probably putting my emotions into this depite trying not to. <P>

I ditto the above, and I suggest talking less about whose fault it is. You have, in the same letter, admitted that your wife had multiple partners too. Best to stick to your own feelings, that you/your marriage are hurt but you're recovering, do not want further contact w/XOM, but willing to answer her questions.<P>"I hope you come to see that continuing to live a lie is not the way." If she already knows, you're rubbing it in. If she doesn't know, this sounds like blaming her for something she didn't know about.<P>"I will not allow any contact with him, and she does not want any." I might put this in a specific, positive and united way, as in: Wife and I are in recovery. We agree there can never be contact with (XOM's name) again.<P>Just some ideas. I agree that the wife has a right to be told.

David, maintaining true to the intent of your letter, I'm suggesting a few changes:<P><BR>Dear xxx,<P>First of all, this is the most difficult letter I've ever had to write. Please understand that I do this reluctantly, because I wish there were a way to keep you from hurting the way I have been hurt. There were people who could have told me, but they failed to act as friends should. This caused much more damage than would have occurred had they been honest with me.<P>There is no easy way to say this. Your husband and my wife had a sexual relationship for more than two years. If this is causing you serious pain, please know that I understand. I tell you because you have a right to know. I cannot vouch for the accuracy of what my wife tells me, however, she said that your husband had a relationship with at least one other woman, though I have no knowledge if it was sexual. My wife was also having sex with others. That said, I am erring on the side of caution, and urging you take measures to protect your physical health.<P>The relationship between your husband and my wife has been over since _______. We have changed all our contact information. I will not allow any contact with him, and she does not want any. <P>As I said, I write reluctantly. I know this will be tough. I’m not including detailed information here because I feel that should be disclosed by your husband, not a third party. However, I realize he may refuse to tell you the truth, and that you might have questions or request proof. I have set up an email account at:<P>xxxxx@xxxxx.com<P>If you have anything you need to ask, feel free to email me at this address. Please do not attempt to contact any other way. <P>Your are completely innocent, xxx; neither of us deserved this. This is the toughest thing I’ve ever had to face. The very least I can do is to give you what was denied to me - the truth.<P>With God's blessings,<P><BR>xxxxxxxx - or - A Hurting Husband (if you wish to remain anonymous)

I don't know that much about your situation, but I would really consider again whether you need to send the letter. If you are in recovery, are you willing to risk any progress you have made in case this blows up somehow? <P>If you feel that you really, really have to send it, I like Belldandy's version alot. It doesn't speculate as much and it seems more caring of this unsuspecting woman.<P>I am very sorry for your pain and hope things are working out for you and your W.

David;<P>What's the point of this letter? <P>Send the OM a strict "no-contact" letter signed by both you & your wife by all means...<P>... but this particular letter serves no good purpose. For anybody.

I disagree, cheerleader. It does serve a good purpose - to inform the W. There were many people who could have told me about my H's EMR, including friends who knew and "cared" about us both. What happened was I ended up getting an anonymous email from someone who obviously didn't know me that well, but who cared that I was being made a fool of. Bless this person. Bless them. I don't care if it was the mailman or someone who worked with my H or someone off the street. I thank GOD that someone told me, and I will tell you why: I was able to go for a GYN check-up and bloodwork. Turned out I had chlamydia, courtesy of my H and the XOW. I'd thought it was a yeast infection.<P>I didn't want to reveal this, but I feel very strongly about this issue. As BS, we whine and moan about why didn't someone who knew about the EMR tell us, it's a public health issue, yada, yada ... yes, this is true. I lived it. Well, David is doing what we BS complain that we didn't get from the people who knew. He is breaking the code of secrecy surrounding EMRs, and giving the W the information she needs in order to a) protect herself; and b) make a decision about her life.<P>And besides, if he does it anonymously, why would it matter? <P>belld

Thanks everyone, and especally belldandy for the rewrite. That certainly improves the letter and it still seems like mine.<P>To those who question whether I should send it at all I'll tell you this. My wife confided in a very close friend about the 2 year A. The friemd, who was also my friend, did not tell, but did tell her husband who was secretly cheating on her. Her husband came on to my wife and she had sex with him. She went on to get into online porn, and a cyber relationship with a third man that was about to go P when I discovered this stuff on her computer. 90% of the worst stuff I have to deal with happened after this friend, and another friend, found out. I feel as if it's my responsibility to tell. I really don't want to, other than a slight desire for OM to suffer for what he's done. I say slight, because I really don't care much about him, or OM#2, I really do think opening these wounds is not worth any satisfaction I might receive, but I've waited till I'm emotionally stable, and I keep getting pangs of guilt, or what feels like guilt, that I haven't told. <P>Thanks again for the support. I've got to get some ink for my printer, so I'll probably sit on this for another day or so. There are alternate ways I could tell, and I'll consider them. <P>Dave