I am so ANGRY today! When I woke my wife this morning like I always seem to have to do, I asked her how she had slept, and she indicated that she had woken up several times. She asked how I had slept, and I told her I had been up some (actually did not sleep much at all). She said that she had noticed and asked why. I told her that I had things on my mind.<P>She said that things would be better if I would stop obsessing about things and just live. I told her that would be easier if I knew she was staying (oops, I should have hit pause). She said that she had thought she had said that. She has NOT! She said she wanted to stay, but wasn't ready to fully commit. So now she is all angry and so am I. <P>We are getting ready to go to church. I'm sure we'll both be getting tons of spiritual help from it today.<P>I do need to stop obsessing to be fair, but darn it, I can't help it. I will continue to pray about this and work on it. Any prayers from you guys would be greatly appreciated.<P>She said that she should not have told me and that she probably would not have left and just gone through life slogging along. I told her that I thought she would have left knowing where she was and how she felt.<P>This would be a lot simpler if she were comitted to the relationship and working on it, but she says let's just live for now. That would also be a little easier if OM (EA) was out of the picture. Nothing active, but he is still there.<P>I guess this fits in well with plan A. I gotta do better.<P>AAARRRGGHH!!!<P>Bill

Definitely a set back. W says that she did commit to stay for the short term. She is numb, and cares for me blah blah blah. Can't say where she will be 6 months from now. <P>I asked her about emotional counseling for her and she did not know. I would appreciate anyone with this type of experience lending advice or personal experiences.<P>Right now I hate her! I wish she would die.<P>Pray for me (and her),<P>Bill

Bill...<BR>First, you & W are in my prayers this am. <BR>Second...calm down. I know the uncertainty is killing you, but it is better that she be honest that she doesn't know where this will all end up, than lie to you. She is letting you into her thought processes a bit, instead of keeping you on the outside...this is good.<P>Work on taking things one day at a time. Worrying abt the future is a fear-based reaction, and it interferes with "being here and now." It isn't necessary to have a guarantee right this second, in order to enjoy being with her today. And, right now, learning to enjoy each others company, building love units in Harley-speak, is what is needed. Really, if you get right down to it, none of us have a guarantee that we will still have our mates. or our children or friends tomorrow, much less 6 months from now. All the more important to make today count.<P>Hugs--<P>Kathi

I just found another post you made recently, so I'm going add-on here. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>It has been 2 months since then (I admire you for making a year!) and W is in limbo. The EA was really nothing more than an escape from reality for her. She is dealing with a lot of depression and guilt about<BR>things and would really benifit from some counseling.<P>She has told me that she wants to stay. I have been doing the plan A for myself and for her pretty well, but she is still on the fence. She told me that she had to deal with her own problems before she would be able to deal with ours.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>My H also had a EA, and I think depression & escapism fed into it. Two months after, he was just starting to deal with the fact that he had a lot to deal with, if you know what I mean...<P>So, at two months, I am not at all surprised that she can't promise you anything...my H couldn't either.<P>She is right that she has to do some internal work first. Do keep up the Plan A, support her and let her know you do love her...I think all that really helped my H have the will to go for the work he needed to do. <P>Hope things will work out as well for you as they have for us...<P>Kathi

OK Bill. You and your W are in my prayers. I do not have the same situation really, as my W is committed to the marriage, for what that's worth. I do know about anger, and feeling like you're going backwards. I know also about feeling that you hate your W. I go through that too. <P>I think we hate what our Ws have done. We hate that our ideas about our marriage have been shattered. I know I work on opening my heart to my W as a person who has made some serious mistakes, and is sorry. I struggle sometimes with separating the person who I love, from the behavior that I hate, and I can imagine it's very tough when you seem to lack a firm commitment from her. <P>From what you've posted it sounds as if your W wants your marriage. I think you've gone above and beyond the call of duty changing yourself, meeting her needs, in the face of an EA, at best, and a lacxk of complete commitment from her. Isn't that the way of these things though. Life is just not fair sometimes.<P>I just offer you my support, and let you know that I have slipped far worse than you into LBing, and I sometimes think it was meant to be. Something has to shake the WS from the fog, half-hearted attempts, and continued contact with the OP just don't seem to do it very often. <P>I pray that you begin to get more back for what you're putting into your marriage.<BR>Dave

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> <BR>Right now I hate her! I wish she would die.<P><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Bill, I am sorry for your setback, but when you said that comment, did you ever stop for a minute and think she may feel the same way?<P>As a WS, who thinks she is in recovery, sometimes I wonder, I hate myself, and wish that I would die. Maybe she feels the same way. Most days, the only thing that keeps me alive is that I don't want to destroy my two kids.<P>PJ<P>

Kathi - Thank you for your prayers. The circle of people who are praying for W and I is growing daily, and gives me hope. You are right about her being honest. We have been VERY honest most of the time lately. She has given me most of the gory details of the EA/Phone Sex. A person who I have been talking to said the same thing. Being at the point of honesty is real important.<P>I have been working at getting to day at a time, and my record has been about two days. I'm really trying.<P>Funny how when you do get into enjoying the day, we both wind up having a REAL good day. Intimacy has been hotter than ever. we go out together and laugh and have a good time. It is really kind of strange. It's almost like we are back years ago before most of our difficulties began. I want to stay in this kind of relationship (and I think she does too).<P>Dave - thank you for your thoughts and prayers! You may be right about an occaisional LB not being bad (depending on what it is). An reminder now and again about what I feel may shake her feelings up a little. After a pretty poor morning, we went to church (we were already over the morning crap), came home and had lunch (some nice conversation and laughter), left the kids with a babysitter and went out.<P>While out, we shopped for things to decorate OUR home. It is so strange how W wants to make our home nice, plan future events (in some cases over a year out) then come home for some terrific/loving/passionate intimacy while during the same several hours discussing uncertainty, her previous thoughts of leaving me etc. The honesty, good company, intimacy and overall warmth are too good to be true. <P>She would be an idiot to leave (me too!).<P>Dave, did your wife EA?<P>Bill

One of the things about all of this now that I am not completely understanding is that my wife says she cares for me but otherwise is numb. It's not that I can't understand that she is numb, what I mean is that quite a bit of the time we are REALLY happy together. We are working together as parents better than before, we have intimacy more often and it is much more passionate than before (I'm moving this up on her EN questionaire that I guessed at), we are far more open and honest than we have been before. She sure doesn't seem numb.<P>If this were a brand new relationship (and I guess it really is isn't it) I would be head over heels (I am!) and I think she would be too. Maybe I should liken this to courtship and falling in love again??<P>Ladies, have any of you been where my wife is. Did numbness ever turn back to love for you?<P>Bill

No, I guess I didn't think of it this way. I know she has felt this way in the past. She has told me recently that she really didn't think she would have left (while at the same time not comitting to staying) even after telling OM that after the first of the year she probably was. Guilt over her children and her growing knowledge and ownership of her part in where we were could very well be making her feel this way. <P>I really don't hate her, but it felt like it at the time! The good new is that love and hate are a lot closer together than love and indifference!<P>Bill<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by PlainJane:<BR><B> Bill, I am sorry for your setback, but when you said that comment, did you ever stop for a minute and think she may feel the same way?<P>As a WS, who thinks she is in recovery, sometimes I wonder, I hate myself, and wish that I would die. Maybe she feels the same way. Most days, the only thing that keeps me alive is that I don't want to destroy my two kids.<P>PJ<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>