Let me bring you all up to speed...<P>Last week I posted that I had called him because I needed him to sign some papers so I could get cable modem service installed at my apartment. He agreed readily and the next day, while the cable guy was doing the install, came over. He asked only one question, and that was if I had to keep the service for any minimum amount of time. As an after thought, he added, "in case you don't like it or if you find you can't afford it or something." I thought it was an odd question at the time.<P>Later in the week, he called me at work. Seems he had a problem where the bank had put a deposit into the wrong account (the joint account I still use that still has his name on it) and he had bounced four checks. His solution was wanting to close the account. I told him calmly, no, that wasn't an option - that it was not right to disrupt my life because he had a problem with the bank screwing up. During the course of the conversation, he decided that he would talk to them again and see what they would do - that it wasn't necessary to close my account. Then the conversation turned to taxes. He wants to file single, and I told him that he cannot legally file that way because he is still married. He said "we'll see." After that, he conversationally asked me about the cable modem and how things were going with it. I talked a couple of minutes with him and then went to my office, so aggravated that I sat and cried.<P>Silly me, I decided to call him a little while ago and see how he made out at the bank. He told me that the bank president is looking into some things for him, including whether or not they could take his name off of the account. I was fine with all of that. Then, he asked about the cable modem again... I told him about my trials and tribulations with that, and then I was going to get off the phone when he suddenly said, "I was going to call you today anyway." I asked why. He told me he is going to see another lawyer tomorrow. That he was sorry to be the bringer of bad news but that he wanted me to know this. I was calm and matter of fact ... told him that he still did not have legal grounds for divorce in New York State. He didn't get aggravated or anything, was also calm... and somewhat apologetic.<P>He confuses the he!! out of me - first, we get close and then he drops the bomb that he is seeing a lawyer back in early September. Then I stop calling him and after 7 weeks, he calls me three times and comes to my job to see me asking me if I want his magazines. About every two weeks since he has found some reason to call me. Silly nothing things, generally. Now, he suddenly is working on divorce again?<P>I am numb... Actually, I am really hurting again, to be honest.<P>so ... that's the latest.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Hi Terri,<P>I'm so sorry you're hurting again. Speaking from painful experience, just know that's nothing's over until it's over. There have been countless times where I've felt, okay, that's it, it's over. I've tried to move on and get used to the idea, only to have another sudden twist in the rollercoaster ride.<P>I've finally gotten myself to a place where I can honestly say that no matter what happens, I know I will be okay. I guess a big part of me has detached. Sometimes, I find myself watching with a combination of amazement/amusement as my H continues to perform his waffling gyrations at a tremendous cost to his own personal happiness and sanity. He is obviously suffering, yet it is all self inflicted.<P>I have changed and grown so much throughout this whole ordeal. So, I suppose that is the positive side of this. I read something last week that for me, put things into better perspective. That is... we can't change other people, but we can change our expectations. I don't expect ANYTHING from my H, at the moment. <P>A therapist once told me to not try to interpret anything my H says or does. At the time, I thought that what he was suggesting was an impossibility. But, he was right. As hard as it is to do, we must take what they say and do with a grain of salt. They are confused, unpredictable, and, in my H's case, out of control.<P>Hang in there, Terri. Try to concentrate on you, first and foremost.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by terri:<BR><B>Then the conversation turned to taxes. He wants to file single, and I told him that he cannot legally file that way because he is still married. He said "we'll see." <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Just FYI, it is not quite that simple. He can file single if you have a separation agreement, and he can file as married filing separately, as can any married person. <P>Here's a link to the IRS regs:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.irs.ustreas.gov/prod/forms_pubs/pubs/p50103.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://www.irs.ustreas.gov/prod/forms_pubs/pubs/p50103.htm</A> <P><BR>

Mike C2: I am aware of the laws regarding filing status. There is no legal separation and no children. On the last day of 2000, he was legally married according to the laws of the state of New York. That's the defining factor of IRS marital status.<P>Sidney, I know just what you mean. I am feeling a little better now. I have spoken with people who have been to the brink of divorce and found a way to reconcile. My hope hasn't wavered for the last 28 months - but I am getting a little tired I think. It is not easy to be in this position. All divorce prevention programs are geared toward couples with children, and some of them are quite honest about the fact that without children to hold you together, the odds are more in favor of divorce than marriage. And the courts are less likely to require counseling or deny a divorce if there are no children involved. I think it stinks, but that's the way it is.<P>At least he warned me and didn't just have someone serve me. I suppose that's a good thing.<BR><P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

I had kinda hoped to get some responses to this... but I'll just update again.<P>I am doing ok. Am deciding whether or not for me at this point in time a true Plan B is possible, let alone advisable. There are so many "plans" out there espoused by so many different people who care about marriages. Tough love, loving your lover back, doing something different... different, huh? About the only thing I can try different is to agree to a divorce. I think I have done just about everything else.<P>A friend wrote to me:<BR>"My advice is to be the T I know you are and send him off to FL with all the grace that is so much you." I have no say in his choices now, all I have is how I deal with them. How will I look in his eyes, how will I look in the eyes of the "world" and how will I look to myself... of all of these the first and the last are most important to me. And, truly, of those two, the last is what I have to live with. Standing up for what I believe in with dignity and grace. I will have to see what his grounds are, but I know this: I will not sign, but I will not make it horribly mean and messy, either. Perhaps, if I have the courage and the strength, I will make a statement for marriage and against divorce. Perhaps I will be able to help someone else in the future via the manner in which I deal with the lousy and painful situation I have been forced into?<P>I can only pray that I don't sink into nasty bitter meanness. I can see how easy it is to let the hurt become what drives you, and to allow the anger of others to become your anger... I hope I can escape that pitfall, and would like to ask for the help of all of you if you see it coming. The sad part of this, is that the most common grounds for divorce that attorneys use in situations like mine is "cruel and inhuman treatment." I might be deluding myself with the belief that my husband won't want to say mean things about me... I guess I will find out how much he doesn't want to do that, huh?<P>I don't want a divorce, but I also don't want to become a bitter, lonely woman married in name only. It is a fine line to tread between those two paths.<P>Thanks for reading...<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Terri,<P>Sorry, I don't think you will grow into a bitter person, your post don't ever sound that way. <P>Not much in the advise way today, I am in a totally bashing WS mood (sorry to any WS that post/lurk here, you want to work on your marriage, its the others), I think we should all go to Plan B & never see/speak to any of them again. Sorry, didn't mean to go off.<P>You are a wonderful person, you will be all right, you will be happy & if you become divorced however much against your will you will still be the same wonderful person that you are.<BR>

Sing,<P>Thank you. I look around me and I see the people that have "someone" and it is sometimes astonishing to me... And I look at slug (well, I try not to, but sometimes, there she is, larger than life ... oh, no - that is just life-size!) and wonder how on earth could ANYONE want to be with such a vulgar, selfish, mean-spirited person. Obviously my husband is insane...<P>But I am not. <P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

I really don't know what to say, but I felt that I needed to respond. I don't suppose salt is an option for you, is it... <P>The only advice that I can give is to try and not lose yourself during this whole ordeal. You've done what you can do for your marriage, now take some time for yourself. That way, no matter what the outcome, your self-esteem will be higher and you will be able to handle it. My escape is reading (Johanna Lindsey provides a wonderful escape! ) Find an activity that you enjoy that you can "lose yourself" in.<P>I'll pray for a happy ending for you!

Thanks, CB, every response really does help, as I'm sure you all know.<P>I am doing ok. I have committed myself to teach an Introduction to PCs class at the college where I work for the next 5 Saturday mornings, and THAT will keep me very busy. I have always ?wanted? to teach, but never finished my BA, so I am lucky to have this opportunity. If I ever get my degree, I would be considered more qualified to teach and might actually do more of it. As a part time (adjunct) instructor, however, I have a little more leeway in education level.<P>At any rate, I am doing ok ... better every minute of every day... keeping busy and occupied.<P>And, let's face it, the fat lady hasn't even made it to the theater yet... so she ain't ready to sing!

Hey terri<BR>I've been thinking of you!<BR>I started to post to you yesterday but my computer went on me.<P>Just wanted to tell you that your H is not the only one that is insane. <P>Everyone that meets the bimbo (including H's stepmother) says "sl#*t...I better keep my H away from that." She is one of those really transparent ones.<P>My H still sees her as a poor needy little sick thing. Still cares.<P>The only thing I can figure is that someone has to be blind to these bimbos. Otherwise they would just melt away. <P>Have you ever read Gary Zukav? He seems to think that we all have a purpose and something to learn on this earth. What do you suppose the purpose of these beings is????<P>You are doing great terri. <BR>

Hi, Wassie, Long time no see! I thought that was a GOOD thing for you, but I see not as good as I'd hoped...<P>I wish I could "beam" the slug online so you could all experience what my husband has replaced me with... I am NOT exaggerating one little bit when I say she is awful. Lazy, dumb, and about as self-centered as they come. I am overweight, but I don't even think I look as bad as she does... AND she has these huge dark circles around her eyes and her voice sounds like someone sandpapered her vocal cords. She HAS to smell like cigarettes all the time, because she smokes like a chimney. And you canNOT convince me that she has truly given up her slutty, alcoholic, druggie ways permanently. Someone like her just does NOT do that unless they really have something going for them ... and somehow I just don't see the Doughnut shop as "something"!<P>OK ... enough venting about slug (it's very relaxing sometimes, though!). I hope that things get better for you Wassie... this infidelity stuff really really SUCKS! <P><BR><P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

terri, could you email me, sweetie?<P>belldandy112@yahoo.com