Hi, ya'll. I've been reading about posters who have LB'd while doing Plan A; but to my mind, some of them were just being honest.<P>I can't remember who posted this, but one poster said that he told his W that he had a lot on his mind because he didn't know if his W was going to stay with him - apparently, she's waffling and indecisive. To me, if presented nuetrally and without blame, this is not an LB. Wouldn't anyone feel worried, if they were working on the marriage whole heartedly, but their spouse admitted to not knowing if they would stay? Admittedly, I told my H after the EMR that I thought he should know that at that time, I didn't know if I wanted to stay in the marriage or not, and that a lot would depend on how the next few months went and if he saw or contacted the XOW again. I did not mean to coerce him; I was just giving him honesty - the same honesty that he denied me. I was telling him what was in my heart. I know that he didn't like hearing it, because he reacted to it with vitriol. But I cannot help that he didn't like what I said. I wasn't going to lie about something so important.<P>In other words, why is honesty a LB? I know that there are some circumstances where you just don't go there. But if your WS asks you what's on your mind and you tell them the truth (not meaning to offend) and then they get irritated or angered by the answer because it's not what they wanted to hear, to me, that is not a LB. It's the WS who is LB'ing, not the BS.

I have to agree with you Belldandy. I guess if honesty is a LB, I have LB'ed during our entire recovery period and plan to continue. I can't be dishonest about my feelings and hope to God my H has learned to not be dishonest about his feelings also. Had he been open about his feelings and thoughts from the very beginning, I would have no need to be here. <P>Harley says "Honesty" is one of the most important elements in a marriage. I guess there's a time, a place and a way of expressing everything but I don't see how it can possibly be a LB.

Honesty is NOT A LOVEBUSTER. I think if it were, Harley wouldn't tuck it away under his Four Rules for a Successful Marriage. In fact, Harley recommends a level of complete honesty that many counselors disagree with.<P>But HOW you deliver your honesty can be a lovebuster. You need to be very careful to refrain from disrespectful judgements, angry outbursts, and selfish demands. It's especially hard to do this when dealing with a wayward spouse during an affair for two reasons: the first is that it's very natural to lovebust when you're hurting, and the second is that the wayward spouse may be viewing the betrayed spouse in such a negative light that EVERYTHING is a lovebuster.<P>If your honesty is being perceived as a lovebuster---work on delivery. Not suppressing the information.

Remember, it's the partner who determines what is an LB, honest or not. I've delivered a few painful truths lately, and believe me, they were received as big time LBs. Perhaps the delivery could have been smoother, but still would've been LBs because it was not what she wanted to hear.<P>WAT

worthatry,<P>That's the rub, isn't it? Even if you present the truth in an unoffensive manner and as kindly and gently as you can, it is a LB for the WS. For the longest time, my H didn't even want to talk about the EMR. If I expressed my feelings, or even if I went to another room to cry, he would get angry. So I would wait until he was gone and then have a good cry and just "vent" to no one in particular. I'd write letters saying what I *wished* that I could say to him. <P>I know that most WS are not like this ... but when you're dealing with a bordeline personality, anything you say that they don't want to hear is perceived as hostile criticism, and you become the "bad guy" all over again. Not only did I have to walk on eggshells, I had to wear five layers of socks. Bites.<P>belld