My first posting was about how the affair my partner had was caught on tape. Now i need a sounding board for all my feelings.<P>Even though I know the A is over I constantly feel like I am competing against the OW. There are days everything seems fine and then something will be said and I remember what was on the tapes and I feel like I have to react in the same manner as the OW would or say what the OW would.<P>As far as love making goes we have tried but I alwats feel like I didn't match up to the OW or wasn't as exciting and fulfilling. I have the image in my mind of the two of them making love for 6 hours and how she joked that I could never be that good and how I had never made her feel like that. My question is how do I compete with those things or how do I get to the point that it doesn't matter.<P>When I try to bring up anything about the A the response I get from my partner is one of anger and then the same question over and over "when is this going to end. When are you going to let it go." That is followed by extreme upsetness and depression on her part and then the staement of "I can't take anymore of this, you have made me feel like scum and that I'm a vile and despicable person isn't that enough for you." I have never said any of the above things to her nor have I called her scum.<P>She says she understands that she hurt me but I don't think there is any understanding of the depth of my pain. For instance just a moment ago she asked what I was doing and I explained that I was typing a letter to post on this board. When she asked what this site was I tried to explain it was called Marriage Builders and it was a place for people to get support and helpful advice on how to cope with the A and how to move on.I also stated that when I was upset it helped to write about how I was feeling and her response was "Oh, what are you upset about today." I can't see where there is a need to even ask what I'm upset about today because once again when I try to tell her how I am feeling it only makes her mad or upset.<P>At one point she tried to say that the things said were never initiated by her or that she was only responding to things said by the OW. I finally got her to play one of the easiest tapes, if there is such a thing, and to hear her own words and to realize that her comments weren't in response to anything said by the OW that in fact she was the one who initiated the jokes at my expense. <P>I feel that she can never truely understand how much those words hurt or how deep the wound actually is. It's funny but the physical part of their relationship doesn't bother me that much, but the words that were spoken seem to haunt me daily. The OW even had the nerve to tell me that "You might have her back in your life but all I can tell you is that I rocked her world and that's something that you couldn't do nor ever will be able to do according to your own partner, you are an inadaquet lover who likes to think that you are better than you really are." The sad thing is that these words, though not exact, are essentially what my partner did say to the OW. So once again how am I suppose to erase those words or ever again feel sufficient in bed or anywhere else in my partners life.<P>I know that my anger stems from my hurt and the fact I was betrayed but dealing with it is difficult without getting into an arguement with my partner.<P>Trust is another big issue. If I queston my partner about something she says, she gets upset and says you don't trust me so how can you say you have forgiven me. I do feel I forgave her or I wouldn't be willing to work this out. If forgiving means forgetting, then I don't think I will ever truely forgive her then. To me forgiving means accepting what happened, not holding it against her, and trying to move on, but forgetting will be difficult since I got to be that fly on the wall everyone always wishes they could be. Here is one person one wishes they where never that fly on the wall in the first place. I wish that I had the pleasure of not knowing the details as I do and that all I had to know was that there was an A and now it's over but I can't change thase things and I don't seem to be coping well with what I do know.<P>I know that there has to be some kind of love there or we wouldn't be trying to work it out. I try not to think about the fact that the A ended not because they chose to but because they were forced to end it.<P>I have rambled on long enough I guess so I'll close here even though I feel there is so much more going on inside me right now.<P>Just hoping for some peace from all this and wanting it to go away. <P>------------------<BR>Healing in NC

Healing,<P>What you are going through is par for the course, I'm afraid. You have the really bad fortune to have TMI - "too much information" vis-a-vis the tapes. Unfortunately, in some situations, the XOP will want to rub the betrayed's nose in it. I got a long letter from my H's XOW detailing everying, plus all of their emails. I found out that my H had been forwarding all of the emails I sent to him - TO HER! If that didn't take the proverbial cake! My H didn't have to do that to me. And your partner didn't have to respond to things said by the XOW the way she did. Remember that she has to justify in her mind that you were the "bad guy" in order to feel no guilt about what she was doing. And in both of our cases, my H and your partner, made us the "bad guys." <P>Remorse for some of us is a long time coming. It's very hard to work on being loving and eager to work on the relationship when there is that hurt or resentment festering. Just because you've forgiven does *not* mean that you won't get angry or feel hurt anymore, and your partner needs to understand that this is something that cannot be swept under the rug. The "feeling in competition" thing goes away eventually ... but not without a lot of craziness. For my H, it wasn't so much as the sex (XOW admitted it was fairly lousy), but the emotional bonding and the everyday life that they shared. Once, my H complained that I loaded the dishwasher wrong and went on a rant about it; I instinctively thought, "Did the XOW load the dishwasher better? Was she more methodical? Did she have a talent for stacking the dishes very evenly and neatly?" <P>See what I mean? Even the small, ridiculous stuff can drive you crazy, and it will from time to time. I wish I knew how to advise you, because this is so tough - the XOW in your case allegedly "succeeded" in something much more difficult to achieve than loading the dishwasher - sex. Sex is so intimate and personal, that when you feel angry and out of sorts, you *don't* want to try to "compete" or be wonderful, or meet your partner's needs, or do anything that you're supposed to be doing for a better relationship - and yet you know ... it must be done to salvage the relationship.<P>When you are able, perhaps you should talk to your partner about her needs, and how you can better meet them. Remember too, that good sex is largely perception - throw any two people who are attracted to each other and the sack, and the sex will be wonderful at first, because it's all new and fresh! I think that your partner is possibly confusing the newness of passion with the quality of what the two of you had. Give those two time to get sick of each other in the sack, and what do they have? Not much, as it sounds.<P>Please hang in there. You did not deserve this. You are *not* inferior. It's very hard, I know, especially when you feel like your loved one is still in the "fog."<P>blessings,<P>belld

HealingNC,<P>Okay if I read your post correctly..your wife/partner had an A w/ another Woman? Not sure if your M or F, but if a man I can see why that would be a HUGE blow to your esteem..to think that OW would make her feel more complete..that would be a blow to any man..and IMHO I think thats something you <BR>may need to get some counseling about for yourself, to work on the feelings that causes within yourself..only because of the deep insecurites it will cause..and you could become very jealous not just of OM but also<BR>OW that your wife becomes friends with you'll always be wondering..on either count..until you can work these things out...<P>Good Luck..

ThornedRose,<BR>The answer to your question is that I too am a female. Does this make it any easier to deal with the affair, no. Even though I am in a same sex relationship and most people chose not to recognize it as a true committment my partner and I had 11 years and 7 months together in this relationship and 1 beautiful daughter we were raising. Whether I am M/F it still is a blow to my self esteem as I am sure it would be to anyones. Knowing that the things you heard her say are the kind of things she use to say to you. You are correst that jealousy can become an issue and in fact it already has. I know that jealousy before an A is common in any relationship but that feeling has only tripled since she had the A. I do not know when or if I will ever be able to regain my sense of pride, dignity, or self esteem much less let go of my insecurieties and jealousy. If you have any advice on how these can be accomplished let me know please.<P>P.S. can you tell me what IMHO stands for, that is one abbreviation I don't know. <P>P.S.S. Have found out what IMHO means.<BR>------------------<BR>Healing in NC<P>[This message has been edited by HealingnNC (edited January 15, 2001).]<P>[This message has been edited by HealingnNC (edited January 15, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by HealingnNC (edited January 16, 2001).]

belldandy, <BR>Yes i would have to agree that I do suffer from TMI but don't know how to stop it from playing over and over again in my head. I also know how it feels when all that you sre doing is being shared with the OW, my partner did the samething and made it a joke with things being said like "I can't believe she is doing all this now." or "She just doesn't get it." I understand that it hurts when you pour out all your feelings to the one you love and they treat it with such disrespect. I an sorry that you also had to go through the same thing.<P>As for being the bad guy I will honestly say that I was not perfect throughout these years. No I never cheated on my partner but I did have an issue with temper getting out of controland will admit that I have ven hit my partner on 5 or 6 different occasions. The thing that gets to me the most is that it was 2 years after I found help for my anger and had not raise my hand to my partner that the A occurred.<P>Remorse is something that my partner has honestly shown and I believe she is doing all that she can to repair the damage done. The trouble with the healing lies with me, I can't just forget that all this happened and move on like it never hurt. That is how she choses to handle it, but at least she is trying.<P>Sex is the one thing that this person apparently did succeed in doing better than I. As a little background about this OW. She had no job, lived in a trailer in her parents backyard, which they owned, had no car and had little need of one since she had lost her license for tickets she never took care of. She had close to 40 felony charges on her record and had even spent time in prison. A mental committment and diagnosis of Bi-Polar Disorder for which she took daily medicine. I in contrast have a steady job, own my vehicle clear and clean, built a house a few years ago with my partner, have never been charged with anything and in fact was a Deputy Sheriff for 10 years of our relationship. This is the person I found myself playing second fiddle to. How does that suppose to make me feel when the person you are being thrown away for is trash. The answer to the question is that you feel pretty low if this person is a better march for your partner than you. Did my partner know all these things in the begining, no she did not, but still it hurts.<P>My days pass with continual ups and downs and this seems to drive my partner crazy. In her words she just "wants some normalcy" But what is normal anymore I can not say. There are days when suicide feels like the only option but I go on for the sake of my Daughter. D-Day was one that did drive me to almost kill myself but instead I turned to my partner to accompany me to get help and of all things she brought the OW with her. I know that she now regrets that decision but the damage was done. <P>Moving on it seems is a lot easier for the one who does the hurting, than for the one who is hurt. But it seem that I am the one that has to have to soak it up because I was the one not meeting her EN but what about my EN. It just seems like we give them a crutch to lean on so that they can always say "If you had been meeeting my EN I wouldn't have looked elsewhere." Well my EN weren't being met either but I chose not to go looking for someone else so why is it that they did.<P>If this letter sounds bitter it probably is due to the fact that I am bitter, hurt, and angry.I knew that the hurt and anger were there but now I see there is also bitterness. As I sit here writing this I can hear her whistling downstairs as she cooks and I think how can you whistle or what is there to whistle about. I too would love to be able to whistle again.<P>[This message has been edited by HealingnNC (edited January 15, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by HealingnNC (edited January 16, 2001).]

HealingNC,<P>What they did to you is disgusting. I would be horribly crushed if I had a video or tape of something like that. What made you think to have surveillance anyway?<BR>It's not a competition. You are who she has been with for nearly twelve years and you two share a child together. I don't think there is any competition. Its just ugly what they did to you. Truly, you are better than that. I think those things were said in an effort to make themselves feel better about what they were doing. Wayward spouses usually have a whole list of things that are wrong with the realtionship. This is how they justify the A. Please stop beating yourself up. They are the ones who sould feel ashamed for what they have done to YOU.<P>take care,<BR>cleo

Cleo,<BR> To answer your question about survaillence. I did not know to have it done, if you read my answers to some of the other letters you discovered that I had been a Deputy Sheriff for 10 years. It was this same department that brought the A to my attention. The OW was being investigated for dealing in illegal drugs so her whole house was bugged. Friends that I had from the force are the ones who first called me to let me in on the secret and to allow me to get my partner out of the OW grasp before my partner got into something that she didn't even know was going on. That is also the reason that I have trouble with the whole A. My partner did not end the A by her own choice instead she was ripped from the place she felt the happiest.<p>[This message has been edited by HealingnNC (edited January 15, 2001).]

Healing,<P>I'm sorry I somehow missed that explanation in one of your posts. I thought I had been keeping up. I am very sorry that you had to find out in such a public manner. <BR>More often than not the A is ended because someone finds out about it and exposes it. Most don't end an A of their own free will. In the book, SAA, Harley says that after being exposed most affairs die a natural death within 6 months. I would not dwell on the way things ended for your partner and OW. She could have chosen to stay with this OW if she was so happy. Instead she is trying to work things out with you. Take it for what it is. I could have beaten myself up thinking that my H was being a martyr for his children. That is the initial reason that he stayed. He felt he owed it to his children to try and work things out with me. He did tell me that he had always wanted things to work with us but didn't feel that would happen. We are now into 6 monts of recovery and things are going much better. He does love me. I know that. It is hard sometimes. I don't care how he got here though. I am glad that we are able to work things out and have the tools to do that. <BR>Have you gotten the book His Needs/Her Needs? despite the name, it definitely sets the groundwork for a healthy loving realtionship.

Cleo,<BR> I have all the books SAA, HN/HN, LB, G&T, Marriage Insurance, Your Love And Marriage. I am trying to work my way through them starting wiyh SAA. I know my partner wants things to work out and is giving it her all. <P>Sex was a big issue for us before the A with me always ready and her saying that she didn't enjoy sex. Then to hear that she really does and to hear how great a failure I was at it literally makes me nauseas to my stomach. I try to let go of what was said but just can't seem to. She has apologized for the things said but has not said they weren't true just that she is sorry. I feel that what she is sorry about is not what she said but that what she said was caught on tape and that I heard it. How do I go on knowing that I am such a failure in her eyes. And in my eyes as well now.<P>There are days when suicide seems the only answer but with a child in the picture that would be selfish I tell myself over and over again. I guess I am lost in a cycle of insecurities, no self esteem, no dignity, embarassment, and failure. <P>------------------<BR>Healing in NC

Healing,<P>You sure do have an arsenal with all of those books. <BR>Have you ever read a post by Worthatry or Rick37? They analyze just about everything their spouse says. They have gotten a lot of good advice from people here. It might be worth it for you to check their posts out. <BR>Maybe you should have a talk about what she likes during sex. If you are open to it, why not try some of her suggestions. I know that after 11 years, you kindof get into a routine. I wasn't really interested for a lot of years. We got stuck in a routine blah blah blah. Since the A, things have spiced up a bit.I don't know why and I'm not going to try to figure that one out. Suffice it to say that things are much better in that department. The HN/HN book addresses sexual fulfillment as one of the emotional needs. If that is the need of hers that wasn't being met, then go learn how to meet it. I beat myself up about him not feeling loved by me and emotionally disconnected. Obviously OW met those needs for him. What I did was to learn what made HIM feel loved. It was different than what made me feel loved. I was trying to meet needs that were important to me while the needs that really made him feel loved were not being met. <BR>If you are feeling suicidal then you should be seeing someone. Make sure there is someone that you can call if you think you are going to hurt yourself. You know the drill, being a deputy.<BR>take care,<BR>cleo

Cleo,<BR> Took your advice and looked up things posted by worthatry and Rick 37. They were of some help, thanks for the suggerstion.<P>As far as talking to her about her sexual needs she is the one who said she didn't want to experiment not I. But I guess that just applied to me because with OW there seemed to have been a lot of experimenting. Sexual needs were never an issue for her, she always said she was satisfied with the way things were. It was my sexual needs that were never being meet.<P>I did try and talk to her last night about my feelings of being second best or feeling like the only reason she was trying to work it out with me was because she could not have the OW. Her words to me were "If the OW had been all that she portrayed herself to be I would probably be with the OW but she wasn't everything she said was lies and I cann't live with that so this is where I want to be." Don't know if she really thought that would make it better but she doesn't see how that is interpreted by me as saying yep you're second best. The only thing I do know is that after she said that statement and I had my cry a feeling I can't describe has come over me. It's not one of anger, upsetness, hurt, depression or any of the others I have so often felt in the recent past. It is more of a feeling of ok so now I know where I stand in your life, second best and always will be. If the person that she thought she had really does ever come along I guess that means she will leave me for that person. I think I now just need to fiqure out how much I am willing to give or if I am even willing to try anymore.<P><BR>------------------<BR>Healing in NC<p>[This message has been edited by HealingnNC (edited January 17, 2001).]

Dear HealingnNC:<P>Feeling like you are competing with the OP is normal. Many of us experience this. <P>"...and then something will be said and I remember what was on the tapes and I feel like I have to react in the same manner as the OW would or say what the OW would."<P>You're talking about "triggers". Many of us experience this. And I particularly do think about what the OW would do or say when things come up sometimes. My reaction to these thoughts is resentment and anger, and a "I'll be damned if I'll do what SHE would do. Even if I did, it would pale in comparison to her actions or reactions." In our case, the OW is an EA who is some kind of a paragon of co-dependant and takes all kinds of responsibilities for other people, suffers all manner of impositions and loses sleep and endangers her health, because she 'doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.'<P>Sorry, this is your thread and I was venting.<BR>Just wanted you to know all betrayed partners have a lot in common.<P>"love making" - I can't comment on this, because there is no such thing in our lives any more.<BR>Your partner's response about "when is this going to end. When are you going to let it go." is pretty common on the boards. I have heard it from my H. "Let's just get on with our lives. Concentrate on the good we have and not dwell on the negative. I should never have told you the truth. You'll never get over this." <P>They don't want to face the damage left in the wake of their affairs. <P>The "I can't take anymore of this, you have made me feel like scum and that I'm a vile and despicable person isn't that enough for you." is either how she feels about her actions or is an attempt to manipulate you into feeling guilty for being hurt and making your need to resolve things the reason for her pain.<P>"I have never said any of the above things to her nor have I called her scum." Of course not. It comes from her guilt.<P>"I don't think there is any understanding of the depth of my pain."<P>No, nobody who hasn't been betrayed can really get it. That's why so many of us are here. We support each other.<P><BR>The "Oh, what are you upset about today." could be her denial or it could be an honest attempt to establish a dialogue. But if she gets upset when you try to talk about the affair and your hurt from it, I don't see what you can do.<P><BR>"At one point she tried to say that the things said were never initiated by her or that she was only responding to things said by the OW."<P>This sounds like "in the fog". <P>"I know that my anger stems from my hurt and the fact I was betrayed but dealing with it is difficult without getting into an arguement with my partner."<P>I think someone else here posted a suggestion for counseling with a Gay and Lesbian center in your area. It's impossible to discuss the affair and the relationship without getting into an argument, unless you have a trained counselor as a neutral third party.<P>Sorry, and just a note of hope: If they ended it because "forced to", your partner could have decided to choose the OW rather than you. Once it was out in the open, if she really loved the OW there was the door. She chose you. <P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

Healing,<P>Everybody thinks their OP is their soul mate. Mine sure did. That really hurt because, in the past, he said that he felt like he was meant to be with me. Well needs weren't being met and home and she stepped in. All of the sudden, she is the woman hes in love with. <BR>My H did read HN/HN and understands why he did what he did and that she could have been anybody. The A wasn't as special as he thought. He said these words to me. Maybe it would help her to read this book also. Right now, you can't expect for her to be jumping over joy about the your relationship. That will take time. She has been getting her needs met elsewhere. She may be going through withdrawal. <BR>If sex wasn't one of her needs, then there was something that this other person filled and your and your partner have to figure that out. Use the ENQ. When she falls back in love with you, you won't be second best and my guess is that she will be very remorseful for what she has done. BTW,most other people are not what they seem and our spouses realize that at some point. Don't put too much weight on what she said. If you both are working on things, her feelings will change. <BR>I realize that this is a hard pill to swallow and some days are really harder than others. Just follow the MB principles and do Plan A!<P>cleo

Bellevue,<BR> Please feel free to vent on my thread anytime you feel you need too. I don't own the market on needing to vent.<P>I know she guilty for she has told me this on several occasions and she has realized the pain she caused even as she says "I never meant to hurt you." She has addmitted that what she really means with that statement is that I never meant for you to hear the words I spoke.<P>There are gay and lesbian counseling centers but I feel that our problem is better addressed in the heterosexual world ( to coin a phrase). <P>I do know that there are so many people here with the same types of emotions and feelings and that is a god thing for those looking for support but also a bad thing to know that there are so many hurting from the pain inflicted by the ones we loved the most.<P>As for the door being open to choose the OW that is the one option she never had. The OW was looking at possible jail time and for my partner to have stayed would have also put her a great risk of facing the same thing. She ended the A so as not to be arrested and charged with anything, she did not end it because I knew. Once I found out about her and OW what she told me was that she still wanted to try and work things out with me but would also be dating OW at same time.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Healing in NC

Cleo,<BR> She says that I am not second best, but I don't know if I will ever believe it. As far as happiness goes she also says that she is very happy now and committed to working on our relationship and making it work. I know that she has said she is determined to see me smile again and to make up for the hurt she caused. I don't feel that she is the problem with working it out I think it is me. I am the one having trouble getting past all of this. <P>She has even returned to our bed with much excitment but I only feel like a failure when the love making ends. I just feel like I wasn't as good as the OW and in fact I guess I know I'm not thanks to the tapes.<P>If I could have one wish in all this besides that it never would have happened it would be that the tapes had never existed. Maybe it would be easier to deal with if I hadn't a first hand accounting for myself. At least that way she wouldn't be trying to convince me of things and the whole time me knowing that she told the OW something totally opposite. <P>As far as the tapes go she does know they exist and has even played one herself.<P><P>------------------<BR>Healing in NC

Dear HurtinginNC,<P>Well, no the Betrayers don't want us to hear their intimacy with the OP. But like cleo said, the OP met some need your partner had. She needed that met so much that she risked your relationship for the pleasure it gave her. People in affairs aren't saying to themselves "Let's see: What would really frost my lover's nuts? I know! I'll do xyz for my affair partner, when I haven't done it for spouse/lover for years!" They just get caught on a wave of their own gratification. The fallout, like that from nuclear testing, can harm the faithful partner and the relationshkp for years to come.<P>And yet, even if they aren't consciously intending to hurt, there has to be SOME recognition that were the affair to be discovered, hurt would be inevitable. Otherwise, why the secrecy? My H hid letters he was writing to his ladyfriend for years until I snooped and found one. He knew deep down I would not approve, so never shared them with me as he had shared so many other innocent letters to friends.<P>There's a disrespect and contempt to this hiding and cheating toward the partner. <P>I just re-read some things you wrote and I realize that the choice to go with the OP really wasn't so clear cut, as your girlfriend would have "gone down" with the OP who was being surveilled. Sorry. Leapt before I looked.<P>But it wasn't completely impossible. Had she really loved the other woman, she might have sacrificed everything for that woman. Is that any consolation? Maybe not. <P>Anyway, sorry for your pain.<P>By the way, you mention you have a child together. By adoption or by birth? Which one bore her if by birth? What is your legal status should you separate? Having a child involved makes it more important to stay together and co-parent, just as if you were a hetero couple. <BR> <BR>-----------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess<p>[This message has been edited by Bellevue (edited January 17, 2001).]

You said that she told you she planned on dating the OW? Is that still the case? It conflicted wtih your next post which said she was committed. <BR>Have you considered some counseling for yourself? I know that it will take some time for you to get over the initial shock and pain but in the meantime, this could help you a lot. If you haven't already, you should give it some thought. <P>Did you read up on Plan A? You might not feel like doing it, but it does help you to feel better about yourself. It did for me and many others here.<P>cleo

Hi,<BR>Just wanted to offer my support Hurtninnc. I was touched by how you said you could just about get past the sex, but it's the hurtful things that were said that are so hard.<P>In my case it's pornographic "stories" my W wrote about her trysts that, I think, will haunt me forever.<P>I shared on another group, that for the betrayers, once they get past the "big lie", all the details of the A are meaningless to them. Those "extra" things they did to "spice up" the sex destroy us, but they mean absolutely nothing to them.<P>I'm 4 1/2 months into this, and going through a rough period. Yes those same things continue to be stumbling blocks to rebuilding our marriage. I have no idea what our spouses can do to make up for such a deep wound, but my W has no clue. I've told her time and again the things that matter, yet she has no answer as to "why" she wrote what she did, or what she got out of it, or of the OMen in general. <P>Like you, my W threw away our life for someone who I would describe as "trash". Not trash in the same sense you describe, but a real unattractive jerk. An [censored]. I allowed her to carpool with him never in my wildest nightmare thinking she would ever be attracted to him. I never knew what a s*** my W was. She went on to have sex with her friens H, and got into cyber-sex with a third man who was total trailer trash. If I showed you his picture you'd laugh. I cry when I see it....<P>You're not alone...take care<BR>Dave

(edited January 17, 2001).][/B][/QUOTE]<BR>Bellevue,<BR> The easiest question to answer is that I am the biological mother of the child involved here. Legally it is my partner who has no footing to stand on regarding the child, but I would never keep her from seeing the daughter she has raised, if it ever came to that.<P>The only thing I can say about my partner is that she would have never given up everything and gone down with the OW. My partner has a good career with a good income plus her parents support. If she had choosen OW she would have lost job and parents support, both of which she would never risk.<P>I still feel that she really never meant to hurt me but the fact is I did get hurt. Yes there was thought given between partner and OW about me finding out. There is a conversation where they discuss whether they feel that I know about the two of them or not and at no time do they discuss telling me that's for sure.<P>You used the term "Years to come" and that is a scary thought. I know that this will continue to affect me for years to come whether we work it out or not but the thought of having to remember this for years and years is not a good thing. I only hope that in time the hurt associated with those memories fades so that the memories are just that, memories with no emotional impact. <BR><P>------------------<BR>Healing in NC

Cleo,<BR> Sorry for the confusion about dating OW. That was something my partner said right after I first found out about the A. As for now the OW is totally out of the picture and has even moved out of the state. My partner at this time is committed solely on making our relationship work and in fact has gone out of her way to achieve that goal. I too want this to work but realize that it will take time and that things just cant get back to normal like nothing ever happened. I also realized that I don't want things back to normal or the way they use to be since that helped set up the situation in which an A could be possible or even considered.<P>I have taken the big plunge today and set up counseling sessions starting 01-25-01. My partner has even agreed to joint counseling if that will help. So if nothing else I'll at least begin to get a handle on the emotional rollarcoaster I seem to have bought a season pass for.<P>I am reading plan A as suggested and will take it all into consideration. Thank you for the advice.<P>------------------<BR>Healing in NC