My wife still loves the OM.<P>She says most of what's needed in a marriage is supplied already by me: affection, tenderness, material prosperity, happy family atmosphere, I'm a good father.<BR>But for me, the essential part (what attracts a man to a woman and vice versa) which justifies keeping a marriage going is not there anymore.<P>I desire my wife intensely, but she has no desire for me any more and no longer finds me attractive. She feels with a big "L" for the OM. It's a basically physical thing, she's atracted to him, no longer to me.<P>She wants us to stay together and save our marriage, but I can't stay living with someone like that. She wants time to forget him. <BR>I don't believe she will ever let go, and am ready to divorce just because of this.<BR>Anybody else in the same situation?<P><BR>

Steve<P>Join the club. It is almost always the same for any WS caught in a romantic affair. The "in love" feeling is the "fog" referred to often in this forum and is usually short lived.<P>To compare that feeling with a long term love and commitment is unrealistic. Can you remember back to when you first met each other? Chances are that you were deeply "in love" back then. <P>This is what your W feels in this other relationship, but it is a fantasy and is associated with all the good times spent together, free of care and is short lived. <P>Love is hard work and commitment when all the difficult parts of a relationship like, finances, bills and other issues that you have to face with on a day to day basis together come in to it . <P>I would suggest that you don't give up on your W as she has at least made the decision to stay with you and try and make it work. In that sense you are far ahead of many on this board that are trying to achieve where you are presently at.<P>Regards<BR>Inlimbo <p>[This message has been edited by inlimbo (edited January 15, 2001).]

Steve - ditto what inlimbo says. You're way ahead of the curve, even though it hurts like hell. If she's meant the things she has said about wanting to save the marriage, ask her what things you need to work on to improve your part of it. Then do it. You're in the unique sutuation of having the answers to your Plan A efforts, unlike some of the rest of us whose WSs won't give us the time of day. The affair will fade and you'll be the winner, but you'll both have a lot of work to do.<P>Not to burst your bubble, I offer one caution - she may not be telling you the truth. Just be wary of this and react on your intuition, but not too quickly if you suspect deceit.<P>WAT

ditto ditto ditto!<P>It is going to take A LOT of work for your wife to come around... It has been one year since the discovery of the last affair.. meaning... i had an affair with the same guy off and on for 3 yrs. WE finally moved because i wanted to work on my marriage but yet, wanted OM. SOOOO, we moved 100 miles away. Unfortunetly, OM resumed contact in November. Which off set a few things, but I am doing much much better.<P>Anyway, time time time is what it takes and during this time you need to let her know you love her unconditionally BUT you are NOT goign to be a doormat for her to walk on. We betrayers have a hard time with boundaries and need to be reminded now and then where we really stand.<P>You can go bakc and read some of my stuff if you would like...it is under...mercy and m_ercy... see the ups and downs.. it is hard. <P>good luck,<BR>mercy<p>[This message has been edited by mercy (edited January 15, 2001).]

To Inlimbo and Worthatry: thank you both for your insight, I feel ashamed about venting my feelings like this when a lot of people are having it a lot worse.<P>Mercy: I will read up on your story. Thank you also for your honest WS account. I am beginning to understand the suffering of the WS now, particularly since last night.<P>Unfortunately, my latest conversation with my wife turned out really badly.<BR>I told her Sunday morning that I could not wait around forever until she made her mind up about whether she still wanted me or not.<BR>She had already stated that she wanted to save her marriage, and repeated her request for time.<BR>Last night, when I got home, I could sense there was something wrong. It seems that recommitting to her marriage has woken something up in her, as if she regretted saying so. <BR>She has entered a state of deep depression in which she says she "knows nothing about nothing anymore". No joy, no pleasure, no life, no feelings, just an empty nothingness.<P>She doesn't love me like before, all she has left for me now is certain "feelings".<BR>She is obsessed about me not trying to touch her. I tried just to caress her last night, nothing physical in the sexual sense, just to show I care for her, and she had a hysterical fit, shouted and cried, thrashed her arms around. She has a crazed look on her face, all this just because I tried to touch her gently.<BR>I just don't know what to do anymore.<BR>What if I decided to sleep in another room?<BR>Is this a big LB?<BR>We even talked about alternate custody for our 2 boys following a divorce, and got into an argument about where we should all live so we can have equal access to the boys.<P>I am very worried about her, and I'm just dying inside. I have stopped living, can't focus at work, thank God I still have my boys.<BR>She is in therapy at the moment. But she keeps talking about not having the courage to end it all, in case the boys find her first. The word is suicide.<BR>What am I supposed to do in a case like this?<BR>This is going beyond infidelity. Should I call her psychiatrist and let him know what is going on in her mind?<P>

Steve, I was a WS and I can relate to some of the things your W is going through. It sounds to me as if she's going through major withdrawal from OM, which is probably causing the depression.<P>She is still in the fog, so her mind won't be clear right now. Let me tell you, being in the fog makes one operate with less than half a brain - but that "in love" feeling will pass. The fantasy (and that's exactly what it is) cannot go on forever.<P>In my case, I was more depressed DURING the A (OM was married also) b/c deep down I knew it was wrong - lots of internal conflict there. Strangely, I'm not having a withdrawal problem; in fact, I feel a tremendous sense of relief that it's over.<P>Like your W, I tried to avoid any sort of physical contact with my H - but in my case it was while the A was still going on.<P>Your W needs help right now, both from you and a professional - keep encouraging her to continue with her therapy. My heart goes out to you both.

Susie,<BR>Thanks a lot for caring.<BR>I'm dying a thousand deaths here just watching all this going on. I just can't get inside her mind.<BR>I'd do anything to help her.