hello to all,<P> I havn't posted in a while but lurk occaisionally. D-Day was April 19th: after many tears etc. husband asked for a separation in Aug. The day after, I gave him a "no contact letter". Husband rents a room and leads a marginal life. Affair partner had his baby in Dec. I do not think they are together but they could be.<P> As all here, I had been desperate. In the months between April and August my Plan A was a desperate and almost smothering Plan A. Plan B has only allowed my husband to scapegoat me further. <P> However Plan B allowed me to heal. Aside from a melt down right after Xmas I am doing well. So well in fact that I called husband about son's therapy the other day which in the past I would have given one of the kids a note to give to him.<P> Then I gave him a letter which explained to him how I had been feeling and how I still wished for a reconsiliation but would not wait forever. I have spoken to him 2x since and he was very nice but never said anything about the letter. <P> Now my dilema: I almost feel like I could go back to Plan A now and maybe the intense emotions have subsided enought to slowly reconnect. On the other hand it could be all my imagination. He has lied many times and has a deceptivily "nice" quality. He is someone who has never taken a charge of his life and is foundering still. Do I want this person back? <P> I am amazed at how clear-headed I feel. I gave him the choice one last time and if he does nothing in that direction then I guess I'll have my answer. Or I could be the nicest ex-wife in the world and figure he'll return someday. Or I could be the biggest dupe in the world. Or I could go out, start to live my life just for me, and my children, be cordial but distant to him and try to get on with things. The ball is in his court.<BR> <BR> Any opinions? I know I havn't been a good correspondent lately but sometiimes the healing process means avoiding the painful past for a while. I am so much better now.<P> Kris<P>

Hi Kris...<P>All the old-timers are comming out of the woodwork in the last few days...<P>I just moved to Plan B myself...<P>It never hurts to take an inventory...<BR>...find out where your H is at!<P>...and re-evaluate the situation.<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

Jim,<BR> Thank you for your response. I'm sorry to hear about your own troubles. You have been a great source of comfort to me at times. I guess we're on to a new chapter.<P>One of my dilema's is that I don't know where my husband is at (figuratively as well as literally). I don't know if he knows. I have a growing feeling he has been unhappier in the marrige longer than he says. <BR>My other dilema is I am getting to the point that I'm not sure if I really do want him back even though it goes against all my values and principles (but so does cheating on your wife)<P>Any one else out there?<P> Kris

Kris,<P>Based on what you've said, the ball is back in his court. I wouldn't make any attempt at Plan A again---he needs to come to you with a willingness to reconcile.<P>Having said that, I think you still should wait until after next Christmas to do anything concerning "moving on"---so no dating, no filing for divorce, etc. Give your Plan B at least a year to work.

K - Do you really mean it? At least a year? My attorney told me to file for divorce so I could protect my assets (I make more than he does, have the better pension etc.)and my child support because the OW's child (his) was born around X-mas and in my state who ever gets to the court first wins. I have 4 children!!!! ages 6 - 14.<BR> This being said, I am a take charge kind of person and he is not. This being said, I think he may have strayed before and I just never found out about it. Also he says he has been unhappy for about 3 years. Why did I think everything was OK from his actions? It will be very hard to regain trust.<BR>again I am at the I'm not sure if I'm better off or not stage. I did file the beginning papers for divorce (order to show cause) so my child support amount would be locked in in case the OW files.<BR>Also his life right now is so easy. Go to work, take the kids out on a Sunday afternoon for all sorts of fun times. No H.W., no household chores, no responsibilites just prolonged adolescence. <BR>Plan B has enabled him to tell people that I'm so stubborn and I've locked him out of our lives etc. Not true but he has to take the action now and that is not his strength.<BR>Well thanks, I don't know where I'm headed and could use all the advice I can get. It's time for me to come back to the board I guess.<BR> Kris<BR>