This is my first time trying something like this, but I am desperate for information and have nowhere else to turn. First of all, before I get bashed, I know "I" am the bad guy in this deal. I have been married for 9 1/2 years. About two years after I was married I had a one night encounter with a person who I did not know. She performed a sexual act on me after I was at a party. I have never seen this woman again in my life. I felt bad for several days after, but put it out of my mind thinking it was a bad mistake. So, on my life went, great marriage, everything you could possibly want including a recent new home purchase, beautiful children, great jobs, cars, and a few extra bucks in the bank. My wife had always referred to me as "Mr. Bad Judgement" because I was known to go out a little too much, and have a little too much fun. I never took the name serious until about 3 1/2 months ago. I was at a party for a person who had recently left my place of employment. My wife was out of town with the kids. I came to the party late, just to make an appearance, but ended up staying to the end. After the party several of us went out to eat, all friends and it seemed innocent enough. The woman who had the party asked me to drive her home, and I thought nothing of it, since we were good friends. Well, we got back to her apartment and she invited me in, and I thought what the heck, I could have one more beer. She then invited me to stay since it was late and I had quite a drive in front of me. I decided to stay, and the next thing I know we were kissing and she performed a sexual act on me. When this was over, I felt so disgusted that I did this that I left. My wife came home the next day and I had trouble looking her in the eye. Well, I confided in a friend about what happened and he said it may be best not to tell my wife. I agreed, but as time wore on, this event began to eat at me like you would not believe. I was short with the kids, took off work, slept whenever I could, could not eat, and generally felt terrible. Well, we moved into the new home, went on vacation, and life seemed to be good, but I could not handle this situation. I did not know what to do, it is all I thought about. I went to see my priest, cried my eyes out and told him what happened. I told him that if I told my wife, I would be out, and my marriage and family gone. He told me that there would come a day when I would have to tell her, but I had to be ready, and if things were going to blow up, maybe I should figure out exactly what to do before telling her. He gave me some bible readings to look over and I read them. I felt forgiven from God, but not totally because my wife did not forgive me. How could she?, she did not even know. Well, this eventually took over my life, and I had to tell her. I broke down and cried, and told her everything that happened including the first time. The first thing she asked me is if I still loved her, and I told her I do and will do anything to save our marriage. She said she forgave me, but would have to sort feelings out before she decided what she exactly wanted to do. She said her main concern is to keep our family together, and although it will be difficult she is willing to try. As we talked about this and read information, the "onion layer" began to take effect. I told her about three women I was with before we were engaged over thirteen years ago. All were one night deals, nothing more. I had never told her about these women unitl now, and felt I had to tell her because I did not want any secrets (we were dating at the time) She took this hard and now feels her whole life with me is a lie. I guess I don't blame her. We are committed to staying together, and are going to do everything in our power to do so. We still love each other, but she has doubts if I will ever cheat again. I tell her it won't, and for the first time in my life, I feel like the biggest loser to ever walk the face of the earth. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me, I know I did wrong. Here is the problem I must deal with now. I respect her wishes that she cannot be close with me at this time, and that we need to take time and let the hurt heal. We are still in the same house, sleep in the same bed, eat meals together, and talk regularly about how we are going to try and make this work. She now tells me she feels she was "cheated" in life and wonders about how many chances she had before we were married to meet other people, but she was in love with me. Now she wonders if I am, or was ever the man for her. She tells me we have alot of time invested in this marriage and she does not want to just throw it away, but right now she can't trust me. One time she said she feels "forced" into trying to make this work because of the kids. Now I am really confused........she appears to want to make it work, and so do I, but sometimes I don't understand what she is saying. She says she has so much hurt inside that she has to think everything through, even all the bad things to make sure she can do this. In closing, although this may be hard to believe, I really feel like a different person now. I don't like who I was, and will do anything to change. I love her with all my heart, and in a matter of fact, she is the only woman I have ever loved. The thought of her with another man sickens me, but then look what I did to her. The way I felt was so bad, that I would not wish that hurt on my worst enemy, but I inflicted that hurt on the one I love the most. If anyone can help shed some light on this for me it would be greatly appreciated.

Get help for you & your wife. Read all the sites here. Get some of the books.<P>You have to understand that your wife most likely feels as if her whole world was built on lies. The hurt, the pain, the disillusionment is hard to describe.<P>Read about Plan A & try to do it to your wife, take the EN questions, & answer. <P>Good luck.<BR>

Welcome <B>opdam</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>But read everything else too.<P>You should consider <B>not just sitting back</B>...<P>Consider<BR>1. A couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$95US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A> (888-639-1639)!<P>2. <A HREF="http://www.retrouvaille.org/" TARGET=_blank>Retrouvaille</A> or <A HREF="http://www.wwme.org/new.html" TARGET=_blank>World Wide Marriage Encounter</A><P>You're not a "bad" guy...<BR>...you made a mistake!<P>God will forgive you... becausw you have asked it...<BR>Your W may too... put the best chance for her to forget it... is a real strong Plan A...<BR>followed by apply the other 2 rules of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage</A>.<P>Stay here... ask... read... post!<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

Maybe I can help you understand more about your wife.<P>My own H's short affair began when a friend of a friend of a friend met my H in a bar and ended up kissing him. <P>We are now two years into recovery and doing quite well.<P>Like your wife, I knew I HAD and I WANTED to keep the family together. The affair struck out of the blue in an otherwise very solid and happy marriage. Of course there is always room for improvement, but I don't think either of us thought this could ever happen to us. At the time we were married 16 years.<P>I was completely devastated, even though like you, it was not a classic full blown affair, but like yours, extremely poor judgement taken way too far.<P>My H was also completely remorseful and horrified that he did such a thing. I have to admit, although I never seriously considered ending the marriage for a minute, I had some feelings of imprisonment and anger that I HAD to make this work, given how unfairness of the situation.<P>Luckily I tackled this like I do many things. I prayed and then went to the book store and armed myself with knowledge. In the book sleeve of SAA (one of the books here), this web site was listed, and it saved my sanity.<P>Although Surviving an Affair and other books are very very good and MB concepts are for every marriage, the book that most helped me understand my H's affair was Private Lies by Frank Pittman. Most other books were more about longer emotional and physical affairs. My H's affair didn't fit, and it sounds like yours does not, either.<P>Even with absolute commitment and hard work, it took a lot of time. I didn't even begin to feel like myself for almost 5 months. And it took close to a year not to think about the affair 24/7. It sounds like it is possible that no one in your real life or family knows about this. Acting like nothing is wrong is exhausting, although you probably know that.<P>One thing my H did that made all the difference was he did not go out to the bar with his friends anymore. Actually, over the years he rarely went, but when he did, he usually drank too much.<P>He believes this never would have happened it he were sober and obviously if he had not met a stranger in a bar. Although when she called him at work, he made a horrible decision to meet her again, he said every time he did meet her, it was at a bar and he drank heavily. He eliminated the bars, drinking and he was very careful to be accountable for his time and whereabouts.<P>Have you thought about what you can do to show your wife you are committed to a name change to "Mr. Good Judgement"? <P>I think my H first made these changes for me. I think that now he sees himself differently and he stays out of the bars because he does not see that type of behavior as appropriate for a married man, a father, a responsible member of the community or a Christian.<P>Hope this helps...take care!

Thank you so much for this info. I was hoping someone like you would post. The situation where mine were "one time" deals was confusing to me. Everyone talks about "affairs" and pictures long love affairs. I never loved any of these women, and never had a desire to see any of them again. Maybe I could ask you one other thing, since you seem to be quite helpful. My wife says she just can't be "with me right now." Not only does she mean that in the sex department, but she said she can't even kiss me because all she pictures is me with another woman. I understand that, and I am willing to wait as long as it takes. Did you feel that way at all?<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by FaithHopeLove:<BR><B>Maybe I can help you understand more about your wife.<P>My own H's short affair began when a friend of a friend of a friend met my H in a bar and ended up kissing him. <P>We are now two years into recovery and doing quite well.<P>Like your wife, I knew I HAD and I WANTED to keep the family together. The affair struck out of the blue in an otherwise very solid and happy marriage. Of course there is always room for improvement, but I don't think either of us thought this could ever happen to us. At the time we were married 16 years.<P>I was completely devastated, even though like you, it was not a classic full blown affair, but like yours, extremely poor judgement taken way too far.<P>My H was also completely remorseful and horrified that he did such a thing. I have to admit, although I never seriously considered ending the marriage for a minute, I had some feelings of imprisonment and anger that I HAD to make this work, given how unfairness of the situation.<P>Luckily I tackled this like I do many things. I prayed and then went to the book store and armed myself with knowledge. In the book sleeve of SAA (one of the books here), this web site was listed, and it saved my sanity.<P>Although Surviving an Affair and other books are very very good and MB concepts are for every marriage, the book that most helped me understand my H's affair was Private Lies by Frank Pittman. Most other books were more about longer emotional and physical affairs. My H's affair didn't fit, and it sounds like yours does not, either.<P>Even with absolute commitment and hard work, it took a lot of time. I didn't even begin to feel like myself for almost 5 months. And it took close to a year not to think about the affair 24/7. It sounds like it is possible that no one in your real life or family knows about this. Acting like nothing is wrong is exhausting, although you probably know that.<P>One thing my H did that made all the difference was he did not go out to the bar with his friends anymore. Actually, over the years he rarely went, but when he did, he usually drank too much.<P>He believes this never would have happened it he were sober and obviously if he had not met a stranger in a bar. Although when she called him at work, he made a horrible decision to meet her again, he said every time he did meet her, it was at a bar and he drank heavily. He eliminated the bars, drinking and he was very careful to be accountable for his time and whereabouts.<P>Have you thought about what you can do to show your wife you are committed to a name change to "Mr. Good Judgement"? <P>I think my H first made these changes for me. I think that now he sees himself differently and he stays out of the bars because he does not see that type of behavior as appropriate for a married man, a father, a responsible member of the community or a Christian.<P>Hope this helps...take care!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Yes and No<P>I was consumed with the desire to keep my family together. I was a little different position than your wife. You confessed months after a one time event. I discovered H just as he was ending the affair himself. Of course since it was a bit murkier, I didn't know what to believe. I have to say I Plan Aed him before I even knew about this sight, but that was out of sheer fear that my family might break up, not because I took the betrayal so well.<P>Privately I was extremely angry. If I felt safe enough to express that with my H, (like your wife may), I believe I may have acted much differently.<P>On the other hand, maybe out of my extreme distress, I reached out to him sexually. Maybe part of it was all desire to keep the family together, but I do think it went beyond that. We both seemed to need the physical contact that went way beyond words. These encounters for so emotional for me, I would usually cry immediately after, although I tried not to let H see me.<P>I am sure everybody responds differently and situation is a bit different. Hope that helps.<P>You didn't answer if you had thought about staying out of the bars or party scene.

<BR>I have thought about the part about staying out of bars and party scene. I think that I will be able to do this. My wife has already told me, it is not as if she never wants me to have fun again in my life, but I have to prove to her, which she said will take a long time, that I can be trusted again. So, I guess the answer is Yes, I can give that life up. My wife is not convinced yet that I can just change, she can't see how anyone could change "just like that." For some reason I really feel in my heart that I can change. It is almost as if the quote "you never know what you have until it is gone" is really true. I didn't lose everything I have, and hope I don't, but I now see how fortuante I am. I even told my wife the things I miss the most are just holding hands, hugging, kissing and simple things as that, so in the mean time unitl she is ready, I just give my kids extra big hugs. I tell the kids that the hugs are big giant monster hugs and they think that is pretty cool. thanks again....maybe I will post more as this goes along <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by FaithHopeLove:<BR><B>Yes and No<P>I was consumed with the desire to keep my family together. I was a little different position than your wife. You confessed months after a one time event. I discovered H just as he was ending the affair himself. Of course since it was a bit murkier, I didn't know what to believe. I have to say I Plan Aed him before I even knew about this sight, but that was out of sheer fear that my family might break up, not because I took the betrayal so well.<P>Privately I was extremely angry. If I felt safe enough to express that with my H, (like your wife may), I believe I may have acted much differently.<P>On the other hand, maybe out of my extreme distress, I reached out to him sexually. Maybe part of it was all desire to keep the family together, but I do think it went beyond that. We both seemed to need the physical contact that went way beyond words. These encounters for so emotional for me, I would usually cry immediately after, although I tried not to let H see me.<P>I am sure everybody responds differently and situation is a bit different. Hope that helps.<P>You didn't answer if you had thought about staying out of the bars or party scene.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

I'm guessing you are pretty young.<P>It also sounds like your definition of "having fun" is partying.<P>Does this really define you?<P>I'm being serious here. What would you miss or lose if you stopped going out? Your image? An escape from real life bills and worries? Your friends?<P>Do you like your image of a partier? Does it fit with your definition of a H or a father?<P>Are you currently still going out? How often? Are you drinking enough to be under the influence?<P>Is this working for you?<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by FaithHopeLove:<BR><B>I'm guessing you are pretty young.<P>It also sounds like your definition of "having fun" is partying.<P>Does this really define you?<P>I'm being serious here. What would you miss or lose if you stopped going out? Your image? An escape from real life bills and worries? Your friends?<P>Do you like your image of a partier? Does it fit with your definition of a H or a father?<P>Are you currently still going out? How often? Are you drinking enough to be under the influence?<P>Is this working for you?<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

In regards to my age, I am 33. I guess that I would not miss anything by not going out, and I would still be able to keep my friends. I think that I never went out to escape bills or worries, I had always went out because I was following along with the crowd, "everyone went out." <P>The image of a party person does not fit my image of a H or a father. I now see that I was not being responsible by being this type of person. I can't seem to find a way to explain how I feel in regards to this type of prior behavior. I now feel that I was living two lives, trying to be a "normal" husband and father, but not giving up times of going out.<P>I recently went back to third shift, so the going out has pretty much ceased. In addition we live "out of the city" now, so to go drive 40 minutes into the city to drink beer has not really been too appealing. In regards to being under the influence, I would have to say more so than not I had my fair share of drinks. <P>In regards to the question "is this helping?", If I understand it correctly, all the things I have looked on in this site over the past few weeks have made me think several things. I have to change my life because I don't like the person I was. I am now embarrassed at who I was and what I did. I feel like I was leading two different lives, and I am not proud of it. I have tried to make some sense of, or think of a way that I can explain to my wife that I am willing to change. She said she believes me 50%, but wonders how someone can just "flick a switch" and be a new person. I tell her it is going to take time for her to se me to change, just like it will take time for her to go through her thoughts about everything else, but i have to start somewhere.<BR>The last time I went out was just before Christmas, four days before I spilled my guts to my wife about everything. I met up with a friend who was in from out of town, and recently divorced. We went "to the city" and to a place we have been going for 15 years. We had about four beers and went home. Right now, to be honest, I don't even feel like going out. I just can't see myself in that type of enviroment anymore. This is not to say I will never want to go out for a few beers with my friends, but the regular trips need to stop. Regular trips were defined by meeting a certain bunch of guys one night a week (stsopped since back on third shift), also when I was on second shift I would stop all the time after work, just because everyone else did.<P>So I guess that is it on the party end of my story. I don't know if there was ever an "image" I wanted to maintain or lose, maybe I just didn't realize this lifestyle affected everything that I now feel is really important.<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by FaithHopeLove:<BR><B>I'm guessing you are pretty young.<P>It also sounds like your definition of "having fun" is partying.<P>Does this really define you?<P>I'm being serious here. What would you miss or lose if you stopped going out? Your image? An escape from real life bills and worries? Your friends?<P>Do you like your image of a partier? Does it fit with your definition of a H or a father?<P>Are you currently still going out? How often? Are you drinking enough to be under the influence?<P>Is this working for you?<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

opdam<P>I think you are on a huge growth curve right now <P>I understand your disconnect. I think my H had it, too. He didn't go out often, except right before the affair. Hmmm...<P>It sounds like maybe your wife had/has two images of you, too. If she called you Mr. Bad Judgement, was this in reference to your party life?<P>It sounds like you are influenced by your peers. That probably means that you are a fun loving, friendly, outgoing extravert who likes being around people and who likes people and who likes attention. Is that true? Or you mention shift work, maybe this is truly the culture of those around you. I don't think it could be "everybody". My dad worked shift work and I can't even picture him in a bar.<P>Can I ask about your wife? Did you meet her on the job or around the party scene?<P>I think the image you have of yourself is changing rapidly. You are clearly defining what is important to you, and how the party scene distracts instead of enhances who you are and what you want for yourself. Some people don't grow as much in a lifetime as you have in a few weeks!<P>Give some thought to how you want your life to look and feel. Jot down how you want to see yourself and how you want others to see you.<P>If you do stop going out, you might not lose your friends, but your relationship with them will change. I bet their home lives are not all that happy if you really looked at them. <P>It doesn't really matter if you wife thinks you can change or not. Undoubtedly the changes you do make, will influence your relationship. I can not help believe that as you change how you think about yourself and what you really want for your life, that your relationship will change for the better!

My wife does have two images of me. She always saw me as a husband who had some faults, but was generally ok. Now she feels as if the person she knew was a fake, and that she and the children never really knew who I was.<BR>You are exactly right, I love to be the center of attention and am friends with everyone I meet.<BR>In regards to shift work. I am a police sergeant, and my hours have been crazy for the last 12 years. Different shifts, holidays, weekends, you name it, I've worked it. There is a culture in this profession which is unlike others, as I am sure many other professions have their own culture also. The wierd thing is, very few of my close friends are in law enforcement. I would go to say as far as that the only time I associate with people from work, outside of work, is when we go out. My wife hates anything to do with police work, and is actuallyencouraging me to get out. This job has done nothing but ruin our lives together. I am graduating with my Masters degree this summer and have actually began tolook for other jobs. I am actually now seeing that, although many people have good lives doing this job, the people who don't have good lives far outweigh them.<P>In regards to meeting my wife. We met in high school, 16 years ago. She is one year younger than I am. We have been a couple since then, although she says the image of all our previous life together has been shattered and we have a long road ahead of us to try and repair the damage that I have done, and start over.<P>I also have found that praying alot helps. I am a Catholic, and do not consider myself a extremeist or something, put praying has surehelped. I see how people say some days things seem to get better, but then in a flash of light some days things seem terrible again. So, I keep my hope alive everyday, even through bad days.<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by FaithHopeLove:<BR><B>opdam<P>I think you are on a huge growth curve right now <P>I understand your disconnect. I think my H had it, too. He didn't go out often, except right before the affair. Hmmm...<P>It sounds like maybe your wife had/has two images of you, too. If she called you Mr. Bad Judgement, was this in reference to your party life?<P>It sounds like you are influenced by your peers. That probably means that you are a fun loving, friendly, outgoing extravert who likes being around people and who likes people and who likes attention. Is that true? Or you mention shift work, maybe this is truly the culture of those around you. I don't think it could be "everybody". My dad worked shift work and I can't even picture him in a bar.<P>Can I ask about your wife? Did you meet her on the job or around the party scene?<P>I think the image you have of yourself is changing rapidly. You are clearly defining what is important to you, and how the party scene distracts instead of enhances who you are and what you want for yourself. Some people don't grow as much in a lifetime as you have in a few weeks!<P>Give some thought to how you want your life to look and feel. Jot down how you want to see yourself and how you want others to see you.<P>If you do stop going out, you might not lose your friends, but your relationship with them will change. I bet their home lives are not all that happy if you really looked at them. <P>It doesn't really matter if you wife thinks you can change or not. Undoubtedly the changes you do make, will influence your relationship. I can not help believe that as you change how you think about yourself and what you really want for your life, that your relationship will change for the better!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

You know I was going to ask if you were HS sweethearts, but I thought maybe you would have been married longer. You waited until you were finished with college?<P>I can relate to the feeling you do not know your H. It happened to me and it was far harder to get over than the actual betrayal.<P>It is like you can not make this "thing" fit in your brain. Then it was hard to believe ANYTHING he said, because I truly didn't know what he was capable off. <P>My H has never abused me in anyway. He rarely even gets angry and when he is, has never even been remotely verbally abusive, yet not long after I discovered his affair, we were going on a drive and I became fearful he was taking me to a remote place to kill me. Talk about irrational, but mentally and emotionally digesting this stuff really scrambles your brain.<P>Although he obviously knew what he was doing wasn't right, I have come to believe he truly didn't consider my feelings. Of course that is hurtful in itself, but I believe that somehow the betrayer does seperate these things in their mind. Additionally I don't think that my H could have understood how devastating this was to me. <P>Even though he is completly remorseful, he still doesn't understand the depth of the pain or the emotional turmoil that I went through and that still affects me today.<P>I am posting not so much that YOU understand, because I don't think you can, but so you are at least aware of the depth of your wife's pain. Don't even try to tell her it wasn't that bad.<P>You shattered her world.<P>You can build a better marriage, but it will take lots of time, lots of commitment and lots of work.<BR> <BR>