I am probably grasping at straws, but here goes.<P>My W is trying to decide whether to re-commit to our marriage. She has agreed to stay (for now) as she is sorting out many personal issues and does not want them to influence her decision.<P>We have 2 girls (9 and 4), a nice house, 17 years of history (14 1/2 married), typical debt load (still trying to dig out) comfort with one another, friends together, and many common beliefs and ideals.<P>How much weight do you think she will put into the current situation in addition to whether she can love me again (she had EA that she recognizes as an escape)? We have not had the best marriage the last 3 - 5 years. When d-day came, I made a 180 and re-evaluated my life and priorities. I have changed. <P>She cannot afford to live on her own. She loves and does not want to give up our home. She is very concerned about the effect of her leaving on her children. She is afraid of losing our friends. And I am (at least for now) comfortable for her.<P>How much weight do these things have on a woman? I could live with her staying for the wrong reasons, because I think that time and effort can restore her feelings for me, and the longer she is here, the longer I have to show her the new me and give her the love and support that she needs. I have never abused her, and have always been faithful, so these are not in the mix. <P>I know it is too soon to get a comittment from her, but it does not help the anxiety. I have really got to start sleeping at night.<P>Is time the best thing I have going? Or do you think if she decides that she won't ever have those feelings for me that she will leave anyway. I'm doing my best to fulfill her EN's and avoiding LB's. I am having to work hard to take the pressure off.<P>I may never ride another roller coaste again!<P>Bill

Hi Bill,<BR>I could have written your post myself.<BR>It is maybe time to stop talking to your wife about the whole thing, just get on with a normal life and pretend the whole thing never happened.<BR>I know it's hard, I'm going through the same thing as well. My W doesn't love me like before, not love with a big "L", but has enough feelings left for me to try and forget it all. I have pushed her to the verge of a nervous breakdown with my continual questions and anxiety. <BR>You see, I can't stand the idea of dangling on a thread for months waiting for my W to get herself together. But I've got to go home tonight and stop talking about it, no matter how much it kills me.<BR>Be patient, only time will heal. If your W wants to forget, allow her the time to forget. This will not calm your anxiety, but think of your children and say to yourself you've got to be patient at least for their sake.

Bill and Steve,<P>I have been in those same shoes and eventually, my W decided to try. If you research some of my posts you will find very similar threads both in W's behavior and your frustration and impatience. Quick history...D-day 4/99 - 2 days after affair went physical; I moved to apartment for 4 months 5-9/99; divorce filed 9/99; EA continued until about 4/00; divorce died due to lack of prosecution 11/00. <BR>As examples of what you might be in for look at:<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/003688.html" TARGET=_blank>Good news...of a sort(depends on your point of view)</A><P>and<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/004039.html" TARGET=_blank>Listen to lostva and Sheba, they are right, you know....</A><P>and<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/004338.html" TARGET=_blank>I guess I'm in recovery, but I'm staying in GQ</A> <P>You guys can do this....<P>--DeWayne--

Thank you so much for the encouraging story. I needed one.<P>I have about decided today that one of two things is going on. Either she is sweeping everything under the carpet and just moving ahead with life with me because she does not want to leave and does not want to deal with things at least right now, or she is waiting to be sure that when she makes the committment to stay, she is sure.<P>Her mother and I are nearly certain that she wants to stay. Her mom says that she is sure that W still loves me.<P>Pray for me that I can let go of the negative and live today.<P>Thanks to you all!<P>Bill

Steve,<P>Thank you for your response!<P>Whatever you do, do your best to LAY OFF! Every time I start down the road to discussing the relationship, my W retreats. I honestly think that continual pressing will/would push her right out the door.<P>I have agreed with her that I will not bring up "the relationship". She has start and stop authority for this subject. I have goofed a time or two and lost progress as the result, but for the most part, we are just living day to day, and there have been improvements.<P>Don't forget the work that you must do on yourself and your wife's EN's. Watch the LB's, especially pressing. Slow and steady. As a wise person here told me - PTC - patience, time, consistency.<P>Bill<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Steve E:<BR><B>Hi Bill,<BR>I could have written your post myself.<BR>It is maybe time to stop talking to your wife about the whole thing, just get on with a normal life and pretend the whole thing never happened.<BR>I know it's hard, I'm going through the same thing as well. My W doesn't love me like before, not love with a big "L", but has enough feelings left for me to try and forget it all. I have pushed her to the verge of a nervous breakdown with my continual questions and anxiety. <BR>You see, I can't stand the idea of dangling on a thread for months waiting for my W to get herself together. But I've got to go home tonight and stop talking about it, no matter how much it kills me.<BR>Be patient, only time will heal. If your W wants to forget, allow her the time to forget. This will not calm your anxiety, but think of your children and say to yourself you've got to be patient at least for their sake.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Bill and Steve,<P>I too am in very similar shoes. My W says she's working on herself, not our marriage. She has shut me out of her life for the most part, but she hasn't left...yet. I don't know when or if that (leaving) will come, but in the mean time, I spend every hour of every day guessing. Here's what I'm doing.<P>I'm plan Aing like crazy, trying to deposit as many love units as possible (even thought the bank is closed). I also went to the library and picked up "Surviving an Affair." I asked my wife if she'd read it and to my shock and amazement, she said yes!?! She hasn't picked it up yet, but I'm sure if she does, something's gonna give. Reading this book was eerie. Willard Harly practically quotes us (my W and me) on those pages. It was quite and eye opener. <P>I don't pester my W about her relationship with the OM (an EA). I don't even call her on the lies that come up all to often, lies that are painfully obvious. Stuff like, "I can't meet you for lunch because I'm going to 'Store X' on my lunch" even though she only gets an hour for lunch and "Store X" is 45 minutes from her work. I'm just holding off and waiting to see if she'll come around. It's not easy, but what do I have to loose? I'm working on me and becoming a much better me. If she decides to work, we're gonna make it, and have the most incredible marriage in the world. If she decides to leave, it'll tear me apart for a while, but not as bad as if I hadn't been improving myself. Sooner or later something's gotta give.<P>So, go get that book! READ IT! Let her see you reading it. Then, if think it's good stuff, ask her to read it. Tell her you liked it and think that it will not only give her good marriage info, but it'll give her a much better insight on what you're doing and what you've learned about yourself.<P>Good luck. My prayers are with you.<P>------------------<BR>Bill<BR>~~~~<BR>Remember the truth that once was spoken, "To love another person is to see the face of God."