I have to say something. I am still reading SAA, I am the WS, and have been thinking a lot about how this all happened.<BR>I feel I am totally responsable for what happened. I have been married to my wife for 14 years next Aug, it will be 14 years since our first date March 1. <BR>It was love at first sight. God, I can only guess, brought us together because we needed each other.<P>I was going to write my life story here, but it sounded to sappy and one sided. I don't want to sugar coat stuff I want to get things fixed. <P>I screwed up because I didn't tell my wife that my needs were not being meet, because of that I went looking to have this void filled. There are a lot of "THINGS" involved that I don't want to go into because it sounds like I am coating it with sugar. <BR>Yes my wife has Lupus. <P>I am the bad guy it is my fault. I am just a piece of ****. <BR>I need to rot in hell now. <BR>(Yes I am angry writing this. and crying.)<P>P.S. Yes I am angry at myself. <p>[This message has been edited by solarbath (edited January 16, 2001).]

You are not a bad guy...just human & fallible, like the rest of us. If you were a bda guy, you wouldn't be here now, and you wouldn't be upset with yourself...<P>Hang in there--<P>Kathi

Went back to look for your previous posts, but did not find other references to your wife's condition. Don't know how badly she is affected, but I do know that dealing with a spouse's health problems adds stress...<P>Fill us in a bit, if you'd like. Keep posting. How is your wife handling the knowledge of the affair?<P>Article you might find helpful: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/print/mbi5007p_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/print/mbi5007p_qa.html</A> <P>

solarbath,<P>Go to these sites...<BR>...read some of the books...<BR>...seek out a counselor/pyschiatrist/minister/priest... whatever...<P>Forgiveness references...<P><B>Web sites..</B><BR><A HREF="http://www.divorcebusting.com/forumlinks4.html" TARGET=_blank>Forgiveness is a Gift You Give Yourself</A><BR><A HREF="http://forgivenessweb.com" TARGET=_blank>The Forgiveness Web</A><P><B>Books...</B><BR><OL TYPE=1><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/034541344X" TARGET=_blank><B>The Art of Forgiving :</B> When You Need to Forgive and Don't Know How</A> by Lewis B. Smedes <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0060674318" TARGET=_blank><B>Forgive and Forget </B>: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve</A> by Lewis B. Smedes <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0785282556" TARGET=_blank><B>The Choosing to Forgive Workbook</B></A> by Les Carter, Frank Minirth <BR></OL><BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/003000.html" TARGET=_blank>The apology letter from my husband</A>…..Crushed…..5/18/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/003319.html" TARGET=_blank>Forgiveness.....</A>…..just_me…..6/5/2000<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/006615.html" TARGET=_blank>How to rebuild my spouse's trust?</A>…..redman…..8/23/1999<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/000274.html" TARGET=_blank>Things my husband did to rebuild trust</A>…..HGBrawner…..3/17/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/002831.html" TARGET=_blank>on knowing the "truth" </A>…..loveWASblind=lWb/popeye…..5/9/2000<P> <P>Jim

Kam,<BR>Ok, an overview of our marrage. I am very hesitant on telling this. I have my wifes take on our life. She says she was happy, so I guess I was doing something right. <P>Anyway, A week after our first date, her mom died. That kind of set the tone for the next 12 years. She was diagnosed with lupus 3 months after we were married. Then went in for seven surgeries the next year for a reoccuring problem. on the 6th surgery I was on the way to see her at the hospital, and was in a motorcycle accident and ended up in the same hospital. We were both out of work and on heavy pain meds at home for a month. Our bank account grew, and we really had one of the best times of our marrage that month. <BR>She started taking prednizone for her lupus after her blood work showed problems. She gained 60 lbs in 8 months and cried that she didn't even know how she was looking at. When I first met her she was health, took care of two kids and a house and yard on her own. Within 4 years of our marrage, she was disabled from work. She can walk around and do quite a bit. she is not an invalid. But the frustration I know from the injury to my foot from my accident, I know she is a lot more frustrated than I. Her limitations are far greater than mine. She has expressed her frustrations in ways, and taken them out on me. I have good coping skills to deal with it, I am able to stuff a lot of stuff. I didn't see or know that it was depleating my "Love Bank". I didn't even know I had one. I know it hurt. We always leaned on each other through shoulder replacement, back surgery, Childeren Services poking through out life. <BR>I have been thinking of this for sometime and figured that it was at our 10 year anniversary that was a turning point for me. I asked her to go out for our first date, and she said she didn't fell like it, Then again for our wedding anniversay and again nothing. I got my feelings really hurt and didn't tell her. I do remember suggesting we go out, but didn't push the issue, because I was putting her needs before mine, and if she had felt ok, I knew she would have wanted to celebrate it also, It was 10 years after all and that is a mile stone in anything. Well it hurt me more than I thought, but I stuffed it to, figuring she had a good reason. <BR>I didn't realize how it would effect me. Then when she would lash out at me with frustration. I took it a little more personal. When I started haveing to wash dishes to cook dinner, only one mopping the floor, the started taking the laundry over. I just let it fester, telling myself it will be alright. I can do this. <BR>At 12 years I found the internet and that I could be interesting to women, and they listen, and I got pleasure out of it. I talked to a lady who was close to where I would be going for a trip. I figured no one will find out. Well it turned out that I was having other problems also, impotents. So I couldn't even get it up to do anything with her. <BR>So without the actual physical act. I feel so cheated because of the crap I am taking for it. <P>The worst part is I feel I will have to compromise and give up more to make this work. It will make out relationship better, but I will still be missing things in my life. This is not about sexual full fillment, it is about needs being met. I turned to a sexual outlet because I know I can find instant gratification in it. <BR>I will never have my wife as a recreational companion that I want. That is one of the things that kind of got me thinking of someone else. I saw couples at soccer, they ask where is your wife. "She is not feeling well and stayed home". I wanted so badly to have a spouse to do things with other than watch TV with. I spend time with her. We watch movies and TV, but I want so much more out of life. <BR>I do hope couseling will help us get some where close to that. <P>

Wow, your marriage has had a lot to deal with. Can't even beging to imagine all the health problems you & w have dealt with. Whatever the cause tho, unmet needs do tend to deplete you & cause problems...so does just "stuffing" those negative feelings. You & your wife need to learn better ways of relating, and how to creatively meet needs. <P>Do I take it from your post that you & W are seeing a counselor now?

Yes, <BR>That is just a breif of all the stuff that has been thrown at us. I am her second husband. Oddly enough she cheated on her first husband, and has no understanding of my position. <BR>We have both been in individual couseling for about 5 months or so, and start marrage couseling this week I hope. <BR>I have learned a lot, and more just pours out. I was talking tomy wife online while I wrote my last post and realized how much naming out son, hurt me. I told her before that I wanted to name him Sam After my GF, Dad, and Brother, since there is a tradition that is dieing in my family of naming a child Sam R. (insert last name here). <BR>She named him Keanu, because of the actor, and that is what we called him when she was carrying him. He was 3 months pre mature.<BR>I let her name him and didn't put up much of a fight about it. <BR>I seem to do that a lot. But compromise myself. That is a learned thing, Had to learn it to get along growing up in an alcoholic family.<P>Thanks, Kim<p>[This message has been edited by solarbath (edited January 16, 2001).]