Hi Everyone,<P>I kind of have been busy. I am working two jobs right now. Sad to say I need both of them just to pay for everything. Tony has not been working since June. How did I get so deep into debt?<P>Tony and I have been fighting for some time over the bills and his lack of even trying to get a part time job to help with the bills. If he does get money, say from his parents, I do not see any of it. He uses it for snowmobiling and skiing. <P>I know he is suffering from depression. He has Prozac to help but he will not take it. I also know that I have been major LBing of late. I have been really trying to support him through this awful time but it gets harder and harder when I am working all the time and he naps and plays video games and the like. <P>I feel like I should support him more but he just gets angrier and angrier. He has threatened suicide. I cannot help him with this. I have found a therapist for him and was helping pay for it and he stopped going. He probably did not like what the therapist had to say. I have no idea because he really would not talk about it. <P>I have been depressed and am starting to pull myself out of it. I just do not have the skills that he needs to help him now. He has some real major emotional issues. I worry about his threats of suicide. I really am not trained for this.<P>I love him but I cannot fix this. Only he can. I know a lot of his loss of self worth is because he is having a hard time finding a job and my LBs are not helping the situation. I am probably placing so much pressure on him. However, at what point does he try to seek help to get out of this? He missed the deadline of getting a job or move out. I let it slip because he was going to go back to school but he dropped that as well. <P>He mentioned the deadline to me today. It is as if he wants me to be the bad person in every way. When I mentioned he moves out for a bit and we date, he said he would think about it. I just feel like he a) does not want to work b) will never do anything to improve the situation between us over his affairs and c) will never defend my honor with his family. These are all things that are important to me.<P>I have also been thinking about something CL said. She said that is seems that Tony does this sort of stuff every three or so months. Just when I start getting my faith back, he rips it away. It is old. I want the time to step back and really think about where this relationship is going. I am tired of the same old stuff. It just seems that it never gets any better. <P>He has not been cheating and he really has been trying to meet some of my needs. I guess the job thing is really getting to me. I was so smug in my youth thinking that I would not make the same mistakes my Mom (dad cheated) and my sister (she supports her H) made. I guess I got them both rolled up into one. I have given up hope I think. I know he is hurting and I try...maybe not that hard...to help. <P>What else could I do? Alternatively, is the time apart just dating each other a good option to maybe try to rebuild the love? Please insight. I know I have rambled on.<BR>

As I recall, you are not married. You do not have children. You are living away from your own home and do not like the area. At least in the past, your BF has not treated you well. The relationship is not working now.<P>If you perceive you are making the same mistakes as your mom and sis, why would you continue along the same road?

Hi Faith,<P>This is the reason why I asked him to leave. I really think that we had started on the road to recovery and somehow we got on the access ramp to the bad area of relationship town. <P>I guess I am wondering if it is because he is very depressed over not finding a job and I was very stressed and depressed over finances. I am very annal when it comes to stuff like that. I do not handle stress like this well.<P>Another place I was working at my boss there found out her H was cheating on her. I really like her. Believe it or not the people at this place really were wonderful with me and I was my old wonderfully cute and funny self. Not this drab anger woman. <P>I now know that I have friends up here and I love my house. I found the old me once again. With this second job (which is through my own consulting company for me) they like me as well. I have seen the old awsome smart person that I am. <P>I think the problem with Tony and I is that I had to learn that I am not that invincable and he needs to learn to stand on his own two feet without running to his family all the time.<P>I think your right...I have hated living up here. I still find that I am not sure about life up here. I think I do not fit in. An x-coworker pointed out I just have not found the right people yet. She wants to introduce me to a group of her friends. I thrive off of having a lot of close friends. I had that all my life. I am also very picky. I try to find people that stimulate and challange me. They also have to have the same moral code I do. <P>Now that I am beyond long winded...my problem is that somehow I allowed myself to be stuck in victim mode. Tony has allowed himself to be stuck in I can do nothing right so why try. I want the time apart so we can date and re-find each other. I guess I am still not at the point that I can give up on this relationship. Just trying to get some breathing room so we can both decide what is best for us. I know I am lucky we have no children...and you may think that this relationship is nothing because we are not married but you know what I have four years invested in Tony through a relationship and a year as friend making five total. That is hard to walk away from.<P>I still am not sure what is the best outcome for us. Maybe we should quit and move on.

I didn't mean to sound like your relationship meant nothing just because you were not married or didn't have kids.<P>What I was getting at is that you have no legal ties, and without kids, there are less people to consider.<P>Four years or five years is a long long time, but 50 years is longer. Can you do this for a lifetime?<P>If this is not working for you (and if you consider BF is not standing on his own two feet, you can even question if it is in his best lifelong interest since maybe he needs to stop depending), then it may be time to look at this objectively, setting feelings aside.<P>It would hurt very badly to end this and I know you love him, but the investment you made in terms of how you have grown and changed can not be taken away from you whether you continue in this relationship or not. In those terms, not a day has been wasted.<P>I hope I did not offend you, that was not my intention. I wish you the very best!

[Pahakissa1:<P>"How did I get so deep into debt?"<BR>You answered your question in the previous sentences. Were you just being rhetorical?<P>You can't rescue Tony. He needs more than any mortal being can provide, and even if you were a psychiatrist with the compassion of Mother Theresa, the humanitarianism of Albert Schweitzer, and the looks of a Playboy centerfold, Tony would be angry in general and specifically with you, and depressed and disloyal. You do so much for him, and he resents being dependent on you. The benificiary of constant caretaking and charity resents the obligation. He bites the hand that feeds him.<P>"He has threatened suicide." You're right, you can't help him with this. He either will or he won't, but if he does it won't be your fault, and if he doesn't, it won't be to your credit.<P>"I have found a therapist for him and was helping pay for it and he stopped going."<P>Jeez, do you help him get started in the morning by breathing into his mouth too? <P>Two examples from my own life:<P>1. Found an orthodontist for a minor relative, took responsibility for all the financial stuff. Child's mother neglected and failed to keep appointments, likewise never returned calls to orthodontist. Wasted all the money which could have repaired the child's bad bite. Child's mother resented my bugging her, became verbally abusive, hung up phone on me. <P>2. Old boyfriend - I found a counselor, we went together, I paid. We committed to weekly sessions. (couples counseling). He promised to attend every one. 5 minuts later in the car told me he had no intention of missing work if called in at last minute; the therapist would just have to understand but he wouldn't tell her so himself.<P>By the way, he wasn't grateful either.<P>You are doing too much. I did too much. I infantalized both people and they resented me. Tony has to do the work, take the medication, look for the jobs, himself. <P>"He probably did not like what the therapist had to say. "<P>Probably.<P>Time apart, good idea. Let HIM pursue you. Let HIM make the plans, find the entertainment, and court you. <P>Good luck. I sense you are a compassionate and giving person. You are also sensitive. This isn't a good situation.<P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

Faith,<P>Sorry I did not mean it that of way. Sometimes it just feels that I have invested a great deal into this relationship for it to be reduced to nothingness. <P>I have no idea why I am having such a hard time letting go of this relationship. You are so right that it is not good for Tony to not have the ability to not reley on his own devices. I have tried to curb my assisting him and let him make his own decisions. Thank you so much for your advice.<P>Bellevue,<P>Yes I was just being retorical when asking about how I got so into debt. I guess I should be thankful I am not thousands of dollars in debt but it does feel scarry.<P>I think you are right about Tony's anger being over my helping him to some degree. He has also placed me in that position. If I do not assist him than he runs to his Mom and tells her how I am not helping. <P>At one point his Mom told me I had to balance his checkbook for him because he was in school. Now mind you at the time I was working on my masters and working full time. I just laughed and said he could do it. Well he bounced a lot of checks but hope he learned a lesson.<P>I do try and take a step back but when he cries for help I do try. I think he might use it to manipulate me. I see him do it to his parents. He has cut down on this with me a great deal because I walk off. I should be stonger though. <P>This is why I think we need time apart. I need the distance from each other. I would prefere he move into an appartment but he would not do that...he would move home to his parent's. <P>I am also very sinsative. I think this does not help at all. I take a lot of stuff personally which might have never been ment that of way. Tony is really sinsative as well. This combanation does not help.