I just posted a response to Bill Uphill and it got me thinking. How should I handle her lies, especially the obvious ones?<P>Yesterday, our girls were off school and I was off work. She had to work, so I called her and suggested that I could bring the girls and meet her for lunch. She said that it wouldn't work out because she was going to the camera shop on her lunch. She only gets an hour for lunch, and the camera shop she was talking about is 45 minutes away from her work. I knew that she didn't want me to meet her because she spends her lunches on the phone with the OM (EA, he lives in NY, we're in PHX).<P>I've been just letting that stuff go, figuring that if I call her on it, she'll just get mad (calling her might be a disrespectful judgement?!?). There are times when she'll come home 2-3 hours late from work and admit that she was talking to him. I usually thank her for her honesty and leave it at that.<P>But what do y'all think?<BR><p>[This message has been edited by wld (edited January 16, 2001).]

wld - I think this is on of those no win situations. If you call them on every one, you'll just drive them further away. If you let them slide, they honestly think they're fooling you and they keep going. <P>I'm not sure if you can apply the same rule to all lies. If you are absolutely sure a lie has been told, I think you should calmly say that you know that's not the truth, do you want to reconsider what you said? You absolutely cannot confront in an argumentative way. One thing for sure, lies beget more lies and they have no scruples about lying about lies. <P>My wife told lies and stories that a child wouldn't believe and most of the time I just let her dig herself deeper. Once in a while I'd call her on a lie that I was absolutely sure of and she still held on to it.<P>If she's "being honest" sometimes with you, I'd be suspicious. Could be she tells you some truths to make you think she always does, but it sounds like you already figured that out.<P>See what others have to say.<P>WAT

One of my concerns is that if I call her on it, she'll lie on top of the first lie and dig it really deep. Currently I can't find a positive to calling her on it, so I'm planning on letting it go. But if there is a positive, I should know about it and consider it. So, anyone else have some input?<P>------------------<BR>Bill<BR>~~~~<BR>Remember the truth that once was spoken, "To love another person is to see the face of God."

No win situation, as WAT called it, is a perfect statement. I have faced the same dilemma since June, and have no tactics that are a good fit. Call them, they are mad and deny completely. Don't do it, and they just keep lying. Either way, the lies continue.<P>I think you could call her on an obvious one the odd time, as WAT said, very politely and calmly. But if she denies it, not much you can do. And she'll deny.<P>I wish there was a better answer, but I don't have it. Especially in your case, because your wife admits and talks about the OM situation. In my case, and WAT's, OMs are only friends, of course. Nothing being admitted in my case at all. And not a day goes by that I don't think of laying my snoop data out on the table. But I haven't yet.<P>Good luck.

WLD<P>I go along with the others here. I am constantly lied to in my situation and I wonder at times if my W honestly thinks I believe some of the whoppers she comes out with.<P>Whatever you do don't challenge her, remember, she is in the mode of trying to make your relationship difficult hoping that you will LB, by challenging her you give her a chance to be angry at you. This then gives her so much more justification for her A. Unfortunately you really have to walk on eggshells.<P>If you truly want to get her back you have to play the game. The end result will perhaps be worth all the holes in your tongue in the end <P>Just be quietly dissapointed each and every time you know you are being told a lie. It does get easier to as I can attest after 5 months of constant being lied to. Remember she knows she is lying so you challenging her isn't going to change that. Let her have the guilt. What do you have to achieve?<P>Colin

wld,<P>I found that I could say more to my H when he lied to me with a look than I could have expressed in mere words. Your W knows that you don't buy it, is my guess; our reactions as BS's give us away, even when we don't say a thing in response to the lie.<P>belld

Dear Bill,<P>Hi. You are certainly coping with a lot now. I just had a long confrontation with my oldest son, about just this issue - he lied to me. Very different but also very similar.<P>I wasn't sure how to cope with it at first. But once I called him on the lie and asked him for a response, my path became a little clearer. (My wife was a big help here). I told him that I wanted to trust him, but that I couldn't trust him with a lie like that between us. And then I told him that he would need to explain himself in order for me to trust him again. No shouting, no accusations. But I did lay out the truth.<P>I don't know if this would be right for you, in your own very different situation. But you could tell her, when next she lies to you, that you don't believe her, and why you are unsure of the truth. And then tell her that you want to trust her again, but that you can't do so while she contacts OM and lies to you about it. Your trust is up to her to earn.<P>Be careful with this advice. I am just thinking here. But I disagree, philosophically, with all the people who avoid uncomfortable issues because they are 'love busters." Many people ended up in affairs because they couldn't communicate, and keeping your own doubts a complete secret seems to me to contribute to the problem, rather than alleviate it.<P>StillTrying<P>

Here's my paranoia ( ) - my H lives in NY and gets involved via the computer with out of state women. Last September a woman from Indiana called our house, they'd been chatting up a storm for 3 months. Do you know any details of this OM. Isn't it awful that I'm thinking this way?<P>About your question, I have let things go at times when I know my H is lying. I need concrete evidance before he acknowledges the truth so I choose not to go there - at the moment at least. I've just become so disappointed in my H. I do tell him all the time he's created this mistrust in me and he needs to deal with it and prove himself (those times I do call him on it).<P>Other times I tell him what I know and even if he continues to deny it at least he knows I know. I hate for him to think I'm that stupid at times to believe his crap.<P>I hate lies so much!<P>Good luck to you!<P>------------------<BR>"People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built." ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

Free2BMe,<P>The guy she's seeing is a photgrapher in NY (Long Island) and his wife (whom I've met) has divorced him. But he lives in her house (in the basement, a good place for him).<P>inlimbo,<P>I think you're right about not creating more reasons for her to justify her stuff.<P>Thanks<P>------------------<BR>Bill<BR>~~~~<BR>Remember the truth that once was spoken, "To love another person is to see the face of God."

I agree with the others here. She won't listen anyway.<P>Just to put in my two cents, I asked my stbx if it bothered her that she had spent months lying about pretty much everything.<P>Her reply? "Not as much as it bothers you."<P>No working with that one.<P>Good Luck

wld: PHEW! My H is the farthest thing from being a photographer.<P>Grandpabri: I'm sorry your STBX said that - I can imagine it really hurt.<P>Good luck and God Bless Everyone!<P> <P>------------------<BR>"People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built." ~ Eleanor Roosevelt