W has been gone now for 6 months. We're just waiting for the court to set a hearing date. In a few months we'll be divorced...maybe!<P>The last update of my situation was: No hope for saving marriage, OM back in the picture, and I had started dating someone too! <P>Since then, W has been unusually nice to me! We've gone out a few times, gotten along fairly well, and our sex life has totally changed. We never really connected sexually until now! Whatever...<P>Anyway, she's having doubts about whether or not to continue with the divorce. A few of her friends have told her that she "needs to go through with it" for closure, or whatever. She seems to be leaning that way. She thinks that a divorce will kill off our old relationship and maybe we can start anew after that. I've made it clear that I consider divorce to be final. Once the judge says we're done, then we're done and I will move on with my life.<P>Dating the OW is a sore spot, too. Although I've only gone out with her once, my insanely jealous W constantly throws it in my face. Now, I understand she has a right to, but as she's still carrying on a relationship with OM, I feel it's a case of the pot calling the kettle black. Whenever I bring up OM, she says: "Its not like I'm the only woman to ever fall in love with another man." She knows what she's doing is wrong, but she justifies it because she's "in love." <P>I get the indication that things between them are not as rosy as they were 6 months ago, but she refuses to talk about OM to me. I know they're still in touch (I'm sure he called the last time I was at her apt., she got a call and dispatched whomever it was rather quickly), and I know she'll see him on her upcoming trip to Vegas.<P>Now here's my newest dilemma: She knows that every Wed night I go to the bar to hang out with my divorced buddies. We drink, talk, and dance with any unattatched ladies we can. That is where I met OW. Now, I've always gone home alone, and mostly its just harmless "guy stuff." Well, now W is asking "so why don't you take me there one Wed night?" One of her friends will be there this week (checking up on me, no doubt), and I'll be there Friday as well. Most of the people who I hang out with there (including bartenders, DJ's, etc) know my situation...needless to say, bringing W there would NOT be a good idea! Yet I know that taking her out drinking and dancing would be a good thing. She specifically wants to go to this particular nightclub...what do I do?<P>My friends at the bar are understandibly p.o.'d at my W...how could I bring her there and not have it turn out to be a disaster?

cjack,<P>I don't get it. The divorce is on and you are resigned to it right? You don't want to take your STBX to your watering hole. So in a word tell her: NO. She is off running around with OM let him entertain her.<P>If you want to take her someplace else take her there. But do what you want to do in this case. You don't have to be rude. You don't have be standoffish. But you need to set boundaries.<P>You don't feel comfortable taking her there because so many people know your situation. You could even tell her that. It might hurt her, but don't be forced into something you don't want to do. You will resent it, just as she would resent you forcing her into doing something.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

No offense, cjack, but your post has made me smile! This is a very interesting development! While I can't identify with a WS, I can identify with jealous women! The following is merely MY 2 cents.<P>Think about it - you've been Plan Aing her now for what, 6 months? She's used to having you "wait in the wings" while she stumbles through this fog that she's in. Then BAM - OW enters the picture, and she realizes that you are not going to enable her behavior - you can and WILL move on - with or without her. She isn't liking this one bit!<P>The thing is, CJack, if she didn't have feelings for you, she wouldn't care if you were dating. But her reaction clearly shows that she does still feel something for you.<P>As far as her accompanying you to your "hangout" (again, this is merely my perspective), I think that her motivation is a combination of 1) genuinely wanting to spend time with you, and 2) to scope out any competition and stake her claim. Trust me, I've done this (although MY style is to not even tell my H I'm coming, I just walk in looking the best that I can look!). Whether you take her with you or not depends on how you feel. If you're okay with it, and she's okay with the fact that she might get a chilly welcome from your buddies, then go for it. If not, tell it like it is.<P>As usual, my 2 cents ended up being the equivalent of a winning Powerball ticket Hope it helped a little bit!

JL, <P>Yes, the divorce is on, and I've been resigned to it for quite some time now. The problem is, she's suddenly NOT so sure about it! She says she's "testing the waters." In other words, if I play the game the way she wants, she might be more inclined to give our marriage another try. So I have to walk on eggshells, while not appearing to step lightly!<P>I won't be able to forgive myself if I don't take every single opportunity to save the marriage.<P><BR>CB, she always says she still has feelings for me. I know she does. The question is, are those feelings strong enough? They weren't strong enough to stop her from hooking up with the OM back in July. Now her feelings for him are too strong to let go. In addition, she always qualifies her statements with things like: "If we get back together, and it isn't working in six months..."<P>In other words, she doesn't want to commit too much! She wants to leave an opening so she can escape again as soon as things get rough. She wants to re-write the vows to say "until I get fed up again do us part."<P>And I DO want to spend time with her, but I feel I can't let myself get too attatched.<P><BR>Arrrrgggghhh!

I'm sketchy on a couple of things: first of all, who filed? Second, how long has she had something going on w/OM?<P>She sounds like a textbook WS to me, and I'm disappointed that a divorce is already in the works. Is a legal separation an option (seeing as she's already moved out anyway)? That would 1) keep the two of you married, 2) give you the opportunity to really go by the book and switch to Plan B. It sounds like you've been doing a great job of Plan Aing - maybe it's time to see if this chump can meet all of her needs. Is he local to her, or is this a long-distance A? <P>It seems like "Prince Charming" will most likely turn back into a frog sooner or later, and Plan B might speed up that process.

Well, lets see...she filed. OM came back into the picture in July. I say "back" because they had a "thing" back in high school. You know, there was that one person that you could've gone out with, but never did, and you wondered what would've happened...? That's who this guy is. She hadn't seen him since then, but claims the attraction is just as strong as it was 15 years ago. Whatever!<P>The Chumpster lives in Vegas, which is only a 5 hour drive (or 45 minute plane ride) from here. WS has a really good friend in Vegas who is constantly inviting her to spend the weekend there...so you see my problem! <P>As for Plan B, I tried it for a few weeks just after she moved out...bad move! It drove her away really fast. If I push her away she's way too proud to come crawling back. Even if Chump-boy doesn't meet her needs, she'd sooner rot than come back with her tail between her legs.<P>In a lot of ways, I see this like her own D misbehaving. D is very willful, and it is very hard to punish her effectively. You can ground her for a month, take away every toy and priveledge she has, cut her off from everything, and as soon as she's free, she'll go right back to misbehaving! She knows what she's doing is wrong, knows the consequences, and quite frankly doesn't seem to care!<P>My WS is just like that. She knows how much her relationship with OM hurts me. She says over and over again that she still loves me and doesn't want to see me suffer, yet she is unwilling to give him up, even for a while. Plan B would be a punishment to her, and like D being grounded, it would have little or no effect.<P>I think all I can do at this point is to continue Plan A until the divorce hearing. She's always wavered most right before a big step, like moving out, filling out the papers, filing, requesting the hearing, etc.<BR>I can only hope that when the judge asks "Is the marriage irretrievably broken?" I've given her enough reason to think it isn't.

cjack,<P>One more opinion.<P>The place you hang out is YOUR turf. She doesn't belong there. She set up this situation and you have a little "Secret Garden" where you relax and cut loose. I had one too, for awhile. (The study of an 80 year old Rabbi, helping him to write.)<P>I wasn't able to keep it secret for very long, and now my H knows about this time and they both have have met my family. They know nothing of our problems, that's my one way of keeping the connection with he and his wife a special safe one.<P>You're a young guy, and going someplace to drink and dance is normal for you. I agree with the others. Take her someplace ELSE to spend time on Plan A. She's being invasive. You need your privacy. <P>She doesn't belong at your bar. She's already decided she loves another man, and has filed for divorce. The bar is part of your new life, or part of your limbo life or interim life. No need to be rude or hostile, just deflect her from coming and suggest something or someplace else. It's a power play. <P>[This message has been edited by Bellevue (edited January 16, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by Bellevue (edited January 16, 2001).]

cjack,<P>If she wanted to just spend time with you, then it would not matter what nightclub you went to. Therefore, since she wants to go to this one, clearly she is invading your turf and has motives that include staking her claim and checking out what is going on with you. She is curious and jealous.<P>My opinion is that you tell her that you would love to take her out some night, but not to this place, because that is where you have been going to cut loose throughout this mess, and people there know about your situation...making it uncomfortable.<P>Maybe I should obtain a "place" like this. I feel like shaking things up sometimes.<P>Good luck dealing with it.