Hi everyone,<P>It has been a couple of months since I have posted on this forum, but I still come here almost every day.<P>I wanted to let those who were so nice to answer me know what is going on. For the ones who don't know, you can check it out on the "Just Found Out" thread under unsure of what to do...I'm not married yet.<P>For almost 3 months I continued to have contact with my boyfriend over the computer. No phone calls, no visits, but we did talk online at least every 2-3 nights. He did not come to see me at Christmas, but did send an e-mail card and called and said he loves me and he missed me. On Christmas night I talked to him for a bit, but it upset me so bad that I cried for half the next day.<P>All this time, he was still seeing his new girlfriend. I failed one of my classes in school, because of all the turmoil. Finally, I just didn't think I could take it any longer. I had to take care of myself.<P>So, last week, I asked him to tell me how many times he had seen her in the last month, because I knew he had not seen me. He told me he had been seeing her a couple of times per week. <P>One of my friends had loaned me the book Love Must Be Tough. I knew that I had to gain my self-respect back, and not allow myself to go through any more anguish. So I wrote him a letter, telling him that although I love him, I am letting him go because he has made his choice. That he was the love of my life, and I would never forget the good times, and if someday in the future he wanted a life-long committment with me, that perhaps we could talk, but no promises.<P>A couple of days later, I received a response from him. He said he was not himself, had not been for a long time, and that he really didn't know who he was. He also said that he thought he had been ready to trust again and well enough to be in a relationship, but that he wasn't. He says he is going to resign his church, and get serious counseling.<P> He said he didn't know what would happen with his new girlfriend, or for him, but that he loves her.<P>He also told me that what we had together was the best thing he ever had in his life. That I was right to let him go. That he had been unwilling to let me go, but that he knew he now had to. That if I was serious about being willing to talk to him in the future if he wanted a life long relationsip with me again, that he would like to know how to contact me at that time, but since I told him I made no more promises on my committment to him, he knew I was not bound or likely to wait around for him.<P>He said he knew I didn't feel sorry for him, but that he wanted me to know he was crying, and that he hurt like hell. He said he loves me as well.<P>The reason I am relating all this is, because I would like to know your take on this letter? Is he trying to let me go, or is he just pulling away from me in hopes I will now move in towards him again. One of my friends said she thought he was either really depressed and needed the help or he was the best manipulator she had ever seen. I so much want to write him back and tell him I know he can get better, and that I believe in him, but my emotions are in such a state right now that I don't know what to do.<P>On a happier note, I am enrolled full-time in school again, and I am going to concentrate my all on finishing and doing what is good for my life. I am in counseling now, and I think I am going to like my counselor. I'm looking at it as an adventure, a gift to myself at 45 to finally know myself and why I make the choices I do. 2 months on St John's Wort have helped some. Whatever happens, I am now going to concentrate on what is best for me, not him. However, I am torn between just letting it drop and have him do what he has to do for himself, or giving him one last bit of encouragement.<P>I realize this is long, but felt the more info I gave, the better. What do you think?

ashygirl,<P>Let it drop. You cannot fix him and he doesn't want you to fix him. He may just want a little backup if his GF somehow falls through.<P>You are very right, get on with your life. This was not and is not the man for you. In my book you are still young so meet your goals and enjoy your life.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

ashygirl,<P>Your friend is right - the letter he sent you is a masterpiece of manipulation. He's holding out hope for you. He tells you there's a possibility. He flatters you about your having been the best thing for him, he appeals to your rescuer instinct and mothering need (he was crying - made you want to comfort him, didn't it?)<P>He's trying to "bridge" - keep you as a safety net. You're better off with "no contact" of any kind unless and until he makes a commitment. No contact with the girlfriend, couples counseing, exclusive dating with you for about 2 years to see how things go.<P>I talk a tough game but in real life I wimp out. So take my comments with a grain of salt.<P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess