Well last night was my D-day. Luckily I have been coming to this site for over a year and was prepared somewhat for this. The following is a letter I wrote my wife this morning. I need help and encouragement that I'm heading in the right direction. I will have to delete this post soon, I don't want her to read it here first. thanks for understanding.<P>Ray<P>****,<BR>First of all I want to tell you that I respect you telling me everything last night. That took a lot of guts. Thank you for your honesty, your actions are going to help me become the totally honest person I want to be.<P>Secondly, your comment about not wanting to leave me this morning touched me. I can see you are hurting as much as I am. You seem very remorseful. I didn't get this feeling from you 5 years ago.(PA, one night stand) <P>Do not preceive my calmness or "niceness" about our marriage problems as me not caring. I've changed a lot in the last year, you just havn't taken the time to notice. Getting angry, yelling, believing in an eye for an eye doesn't help anything. It only drove us deeper in the hole. I feel that my actions had a lot to do with driving you to other men, you didn't turn these affairs physical until after I confronted you about the warning signs I was seeing. Maybe if I would had handled then in a more caring way they would have never happened. Facing my faults and changing them was a commitment I made to myself a while ago. I still believe I can be the father, friend and husband you wanted to marry. The man who will do anything for his kids, the man who likes to have fun, the man who's not afraid to jump in the car and go on a spotanious trip with you. I am completely devoted to my family now. I realize I am very fortunite to have children and a family to care about.<P>I'm going to have issues and questions concerning the last 5 years that only you can help with. What did these guys have that I don't? You knew it was wrong, was it a matter that you just couldn't stop it? I wanted to fill these needs, I was trying to fill these, why wouldn't you let me fill these needs, why did you look elsewhere? You said after *****, you learned from your mistakes, all awhile you were still searching for physical and emotional contact from multiple men. This has gone beyond a one time mistake or fling, it's a repeated habit. You've had emotional affairs in additon to the physical ones our entire marriage. How can you assure me there won't be another? These are just a few of the questions I have to deal with. I will deal with them the best I can without angry outbursts, unfair judgments or retaliation. <P>I want to work through this, but I can't do it alone. I need to see a commitment to curing your problems.(addictive behaviors) You said you had enough feelings for me to work on the marriage this morning. I'm counting on your honesty that you want to work on yourself and our marriage and that you will take the steps needed. <P>Comments please!!!<BR>

Remarkably good letter. A few lovebusters I am highlighting below:<P>[QUOTE]Originally posted by Raysofhope:<BR><B>I've changed a lot in the last year, you just havn't taken the time to notice.</B><P>I would just simply state that "I think I have chaged a lot in the past few years" and maybe give some tangible examplkes.<P><B>What did these guys have that I don't? You knew it was wrong, was it a matter that you just couldn't stop it? I wanted to fill these needs, I was trying to fill these, why wouldn't you let me fill these needs, why did you look elsewhere?</B><P>Iknow you want asnwers to past events, but you may be able to get them by asking positive, forward looking questions. "What can I do to fill your needs in the future?" You can always come back later when the dust has settled to get specifics.<P>My thoughts are with you. Hang in there!<P>Mike<p>[This message has been edited by Mike C2 (edited January 17, 2001).]

First of all I admire your rational reaction to your situation. My situation is very similar to yours in that my wife has had multiple affairs over the past 13 years of our 18 year marriage. You are not capable of making a rational decision at this time as whether to stay or go. Your emotions are driving you and your thinking and decisions today will not be the same tomorrow. Both of you should get on Celexa(antidepressant) for at least 6 months. Both are in need of professional counseling. Your wife truly does not understand what she has done as no rational person would do this. She is likely codependent which can be remedied through professional counseling. You need to change because you were not meeting all of her emotional needs. If both of you change, it can work...but it takes time. My recovery is still underway...I am not 100% sure that we're going to work, but we're both committed to try. My resentment is the most painful emotion that I have ever experienced. But Dr. Harley says that it will pass in due time. Read by posts from a couple pages ago to get my entire history.<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Raysofhope:<BR><B>I've changed a lot in the last year, you just havn't taken the time to notice. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Definitely omit that sentence - you're talking "down" to her, and that could be a huge LB.<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Raysofhope:<BR><B>What did these guys have that I don't? You knew it was wrong, was it a matter that you just couldn't stop it? I wanted to fill these needs, I was trying to fill these, why wouldn't you let me fill these needs, why did you look elsewhere? You said after *****, you learned from your mistakes, all awhile you were still searching for physical and emotional contact from multiple men. This has gone beyond a one time mistake or fling, it's a repeated habit. You've had emotional affairs in additon to the physical ones our entire marriage. How can you assure me there won't be another? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE></B><BR>This paragraph to me also sounds accusatory, and like you're trying to educate her. Trust me, that will only alienate a WS further.<P>It's like smoking - you can tell a smoker about the hazardous health effects of smoking, you can show them pictures of clogged lungs, but it won't do you a bit of good (just ask the Surgeon General )<P>Definitely start on Plan A, and assure your W that you will be there for her. Do let her know (in a NON-LBing way) that you don't approve of her actions, but your first priority has to be working to meet her needs. Best of luck to you!<P><p>[This message has been edited by Carolina Belle (edited January 17, 2001).]