it's been almost 7 months since dday and only now do I seem to be having a great amount of difficulty getting through each day. My H has been supportive and loving, saying and doing all the right things, but lately I have been feeling nothing but empty inside.<P>Before the A started, I was very depressed. My H knew that I had episodes of depression in the past, but he had never witnessed them. Apparently one of the factors leading up to the A was the fact that he felt frustrated that he couldn't make me happy, he felt useless, and I guess the OW was easier to make happy, and provided him an escape from me and my depression.<P>So I'm depressed again, and I'm scared to let him know how much because I'm afraid he'll find her or someone else to help him get through it. I've also recently had a baby, so I think post partum has something to do with it. I just feel like my life is over, that I've made all the choices that were allotted for me. I'm basically living for my children, making sure that they have a happier life than me. Honestly, if it wern't for them, I would not be here.<P>My H told me today that there seems to be a good chance that he'll get to do a lot of travelling with his new job. I'm trying to be excited for him, but I just know that it will lead to trouble. One day he'll come back from a trip and tell me that he's leaving me. I honestly don't know how I'm going to get through him being gone-before the A I had trouble with him going away (reminders of past hurts by someone else), so what am I going to do now? I have visions of him asking her to go with him.<P>I feel so incredibly lonely. I stay at home all day, do the same old thing (cleaning the house, taking care of my children). I don't go out because he takes the car to work. My friends don't have kids, so they don't come by. Instead they invite my H out to dinner or movies while I stay home and take care of the baby. Today he also told me that a friend of ours (male)wanted to go out to dinner with him tonight. He said that his wife didn't feel like going out, so how about getting a night out with the boys together? The problem here is that recently we found out that this friend also had an A around the same time as my H. Our friend doesn't know that we know (it's complicated). It kills me that my H would want to have anything to do with this friend since we found out. I'm scared that this friend will be a bad influence on my H, not to mention that going out with him REALLY hurts my feelings, especially since H knows how sensitive I am about A's.<P>So I have yet another evening by myself, to think of nothing except how my life is nowhere close to what I envisioned for myself-even a couple of years ago. I want to give up. I've gone through enough in my life. I'm just so tired of giving it another go. You hope for some breaks, but when they never come you get sick of trying so damn hard. At this point I don't really care anymore. It can't get much worse than this.<BR>I'm sorry for the rambling on, but I just don't know what else to do. I don't have anyone I can talk to about this, including my H. My parents know about the A but they think everything is fine now, and they change the subject if I try to talk about it. They get all uncomfortable. I don't want my friends to know because I feel humiliated beyond belief. Everyone always thought that our marriage was perfect. I can't even talk to my psychiatrist because he retired and it's going to take about six months at least to get in to see someone else.<P>I'm sorry, I just feel like I'm at the end of my rope.
