WhoDat: In my other post, I'm wondering if you can provide a bit more insight on my Plan A. I appreciate your help. Thanks.

Rick:<P>I'll try my best to answer you as soon as I can. Unfortunately, it likely won't be today, as I have several appointments, and I'd like to give the post the attention it deserves. My W also doesn't get too thrilled with me on the computer at home too much (mine started as an Internet Affair), and of course avoiding LoveBusters at home takes precedence. <P>I'll get to it first thing in the morning, and hopefully that will allow you to make the edits you alluded to, should you find that necessary.<P>FWIW, even if I <I>haven't</I> read all the posts and responses, I can pretty much echo anything K may have said to you. In over two years, I don't think we've disagreed more than 2 or 3 times, and those were very minor points.<P>More tomorrow as a response to the other post <P>------------------<BR>Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die

WhoDat: <P>Just stopped by to see how everyone's doing. Glad to hear you're being good about the computer. Hope everything's going well.

- hi there - oldtimers! -<P>Rick 37,<P>"pre-disclosure plan A" is very similar to plan A. It has the same objectives that plan A and plan B has.<P>I think the first indication of a situation with infidelity is the suspicion - and that is when it is the time to decide if you want your marriage to work - before there is disclosure, before you make any mistakes, before anything. Know what you want and where you are headed from the get go.<P>Then, when you have decided you want the marriage to work - that takes precedence over disclosure. Too many people get hung up on the disclosure thing - and it perpetuates the issues that left the marriage vulnerable to an affair - through lovebusting, and trying to demand some rights, and all of those other lovebuster tactics.<P>The second thing you do is to eliminate ALL lovebusters. So - this is where people error - they think it is time to get the truth. Restitution is on the betrayed's mind - and issues of trust seem to be paramount for the betrayed. They instead of making "Restoring Love and a marriage" they start thinking that getting to the truth is going to be the thing that helps them get their goal. What they need to do is work on restoring love and restoring a marriage.<P>1st the decision to establish the goal of restoring the marriage,<BR>2nd the elimination of all lovebusters,<BR>3rd trying to meet your spouses emotional needs,<BR>4th creating an environment of trust for the betrayer so that when the truth does come out - you are their number one support - and they in turn can be yours. <P>If you thought that the evidence you have is painful - the betrayal, all of that - believe me "D" Day, Disclosure day IS painful! But, with a pre-disclosure plan A you have prepared your marriage for that inevitable day.<P>It is the thinking of "on the goal, on the goal, on the goal". <P>TNT

trustntruth,<P>Thank you for clarifying the pre-disclosure Plan A. Can you tell me exactly what D-Day (discovery day) is? I thought it was when you discover an affair. Is it only when the betrayer admits the affair?<P>Thanks again. I'm talking to Steve today, so looking forward to that. I'll bring this stuff up too.

I suppose everyone would define it differently, but in your case - and in my case - I would define it as when they admit an affair.<P>After plan a for about a year my husband finally admitted to an "almost mistake". Wayward spouses will define affairs differently than the betrayed spouse. Look at the Monika Lewinsky affair!<P>If it walks like an affair, talks like an affair and smells like an affair, in my opinion it is an affair. And, with the Harley concepts - the betrayed spouse defines if it is an affair, not the wayward spouse. Because the betrayed has to deal with betrayal!<P>But - the affair is something you cannot put your energies in at this point. It is too much to handle. <P>Decide it was an affair, and then decide to restore your love and marriage - by implementing a pre-disclosure plan A.<P>That is the best advice I can give!<BR>TNT

Rick - I think our common struggle right now is obviously the continued denial of the affair by our wives. I don't know how to break through this other than to continue Plan A with no lovebusters until they finally see it. I'm pretty sure my wife thinks it wasn't an affair before separation because there was no sex. If there has been sex since the separation, she justifies it because she is separated. This is also why she keeps urging me to get on with my life - translation: start dating.<P>Neither one of us has seen any of the guilt characteristics described recently here by former WSs. Is it reasonable to use this as a litmus test for when they finally begin to face themselves and their behavior?<P>Dave