After reading Not giving up's posting I was compelled to say a few things because of what she wrote i could have written myself, and i know alot of other BS'S Could have also, but does anyone have the feeling I have or felt the way I am feeling now?<P>It's been almost a month for me since the confession, and I am still hurt, feeling insecure, and even feel ashamed to be with my H,after what he did. I find myself fearful of the explanations of why I am still with him,one of my worst fears is someone asking me why are you still with him after he did such an awful thing to you? I could never do that.I would have kicked him to the curb!!! Well it's been a month like i said and I am not sure i even want to work out the marriage, I want to kick him to the curb, he doesn't deserve my love. I know it is best for all involved if i do stay, and I know God would want me to stay and work it out,But I won't be able to stay if I can't get passed these fears. I have to get to a point where i can hold my head up high, and be confident in my decission to stay if H doesn't start to make the marriage work.<BR> <BR>There are alot of reason why i want to stay, but not if he is unwilling to make the first move in backing up his words with actions, then i can't either.<P>I have to be happy and content,at the risk of sounding like a egatistical person, I can't get passed the fact he cheated on me, I was better than that, I did not deserve that, I always felt I was to good to be cheated on, I was a perfect wife and still am, so why should he continue to have my perfect love, while i have his tainted love? Why should i spend the rest of my life second guessing his love for me, or wondering if he will ever do this again, <P>Does anyone else feel this way or am i just totally loosing it? My husband is willing to make it work but is so clueless as to how, and as for me I am really hurt and stubborn I want him to figure it out on his own.I run the risk of loosing him for good, but at this point I really don't care. Just because i love him , it doesn't mean I have to accept what he did and it doesn't mean i have to work on the marriage first, I just can't do that.He will have to point the way if he wants me to even think about staying and trying to make the marriage work.Anyone else feel this way or have felt this way?

Rising Above,<P>I understand how you feel. Most of the BS who post here feel to one degree or other what you feel. BUT (you knew this was coming didn't you? ), if you have some idea how to start to heal your marriage and your H doesn't although he wants to, what the heck are you doing????<P>Seriously, this is really pretty dopey, don't you think? <P>First, a month is a very short time for any healing to start. So have some patience.<P>Second, no matter what your H does or doesn't do, you have to decide whether you want to be married.<P>Third, rebuilding your marriage is a team sport. You haven't gotten that idea at all.<P>Fourth, your marriage didn't get into the state it was before your H's affair all by itself. It needed the negligence of both of you and from your stated opinion that you were the perfect W, I can guess that you don't see your role in things. By the way, the data (your H's affair) suggests that there a few things about the marriage he didn't like. <P>Fifth, if you read here you will hear about Plan A. It isn't to get your H back nor is it for your H to get you back. It is for one or both of the spouses to examine themselves and see were they need to improve themselves, with regards to meeting the other spouses needs and dealing out Love Busters.<P>Have either of you taken the time yet to read His Needs Her Needs?<P>Rising Above, you are of course free to do anything you want with your marriage. You always were. You have total control just as you always have. You can stay married or you divorce. You can be happy or you can be sad. YOu can chose to work on your marriage with your H or you can chose not to.<P>Nothing I say will affect any of these choices. But before you make your choices, stop and think. Do it for more than a month, examine yourself, your marriage before the affair, the marriage you would really really like to have, the issue of children if you have them, etc. <P>Think RA think, and feel, and heal, and pray.<P>You just might find what you are looking for and the guidance you need to get what you are looking for.<P>I am sorry I cannot help you through this terrible time and I am sorry I can't show you the way out of it. But I do know there are at least two ways: divorce or rebuilding an even better marriage.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

RA,<P>I am sure that this has been the worst month of your life. But it is much too soon to for everything to be working out. Read SAA, this site, go to counseling, your H can't do this without a plan, & you can't either. Give it time & pray. <P>Prayers for you & you H as you begin the long road to recovery.<BR>

One month is such a short period of time to see a clear path in any direction. I struggled with many of the same questions as you. What will people think of me if I stay? What kind of example am I setting for my daughters? By staying with him does it make me less? The only decision I was capable of making was that I was not going to make any life altering decisions for atleast 6 months. That my frame of mind, level of trauma, level of shock and depression did not allow me to make clear decisions and I have truly appreciated everyday I gave myself. Give yourself time to find yourself.<BR>Joy<P>------------------<BR>"There came a time when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful then the risk it took to blossom"

Joyd,<BR>i fully agree that that no life-altering decisions must be made until the terrible trauma and its cohort of destructive emotions have started to settle.<BR>The WS is in a fog, but so is the BS in a certain way.<BR>Should I stay or should I go? Should I hate or should I love?<BR>We as BSs have our own battles.

Sweetie, what you're feeling is pretty typical for this early in the game. You need more time.<P>JL has made some very good points...so have the others. Affairs rarely happen in perfect marriages to perfect spouses. And, no, I don't care if HE tells you that you were perfect...Robert told me the same thing and he was wrong, too.<P>If you do this right, if you learn and grow, although a better marriage isn't a guarentee, if you guys are lucky like we are, it's a definite possibility. But I can promise you that YOU will benefit, no matter what. You will grow wiser and stronger and find within yourself a much better person that you didn't even know existed, no matter how good you truly are now.<P>As far as the other stuff. We have a 16 year old daughter who suffered tremendously through this mess. Robert's been home about a year now, and I overhear my daughter advising her friends on their teenage problems. I'm amazed at her strength and conviction. I'm amazed at the wonderful lessons she's learned. And I take credit for part of it. The BS wonder about "self-respect" and the respect of others. I can honestly and without reservation say that I have never felt better about myself as a person. I never knew I had such strength. My in-laws, friends, family, daughter, husband, who initially thought that I must have lost my mind, now BRAG on my strength, love and committment. My daughter is proud of me. I wasn't a doormat. I was a strong woman who stood up for what she believed in.<P>Honey, I didn't marry a jerk. I married a wonderful man who for many years was the picture of a near-perfect husband. He made an error in judgement. That snowballed. And cost a great many people, including himself. And he's not a jerk now. He is, and always has been, a wonderful man. And together, we are giving each other a life that we never really knew was possible.<P>You're a month after d-day, right. At that point, I was watching my hubby pack his bags to move in with the woman of his dreams. It's early yet for you.<P>No decisions right now, promise me. And, when the time comes, you do what's best for you. The easiest thing is to walk away. I wouldn't dream of telling you what the best thing for you to do is. But I can tell you, from this side of this ride, that there's a lot to be said for learning these lessons and fighting for your beliefs. I'm glad I did....I don't think I've ever been happier.<P>Love and prayers,<P>Lori

<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>