Ivory,<P>I debated whether or not I should share this with you, and then decided that I should - because it's honest, and I have nothing to hide.<P>My H left me to live with the XOW in October '99 and stayed with her unti February 2000. During this time, as you would imagine, I was very depressed. Not only did I have to hire a P.I. to find out what the heck was going on, I was a mess - could barely function, much less think about my own future with my H.<P>And then this nice gentleman came along - er, so I thought. No, I didn't have an EMR with him. We mainly talked about my marriage and my problems and my loneliness. He became a good friend - my best friend, in fact. He had, in terms of qualities, everything I felt that my H lacked at this time - ambition, goals, dreams, optimism, sense of humor; he was easy-going, fun, energetic, spiritual, and looked like a younger Harrison Ford. He was my mirror image; I admired the same things in him that I admired in myself. He brought out all of the good qualities in me. I thought I could possibly fall in love with him; I relied on his company to make me happy. I felt that "tug" of temptation.<P>But then, he pushed it too far, and I drew the line. I apparently made the fatal mistake of saying, "No matter how attracted to you I am, and no matter if my H is living with an OW, I am still married, and it cannot be." The reaction? This wonderful, funny, sweet man turned sour as soon as he knew he wasn't going to get what he wanted - me, the "prize."<P>Was this a hard thing to do? Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes. I needed someone soooo badly! I was lonely, and I saw this as cutting out the only person that I had a connection to. And of course, I had unrealistic, selfish dreams that we could somehow be together if my H stayed with the XOW. <P>Today I'm so glad that I cut him out of my life - I cannot *tell* you how relieved I feel! My H and I are back together, after much faith-based counseling and heart-to-heart talks. We stumble a few times, as all couples in our situation do, but we're certainly better off now than we were before his EMR. <P>When I think back about this potential "other man," I cringe. What seemed to be a wonderful idea shames me to the core. See, it doesn't matter how this man made me feel - he knew that I was a married woman. He continued to press onward. He continued to try to "go there." Maybe not blatantly, but very subtly. I think that at times I was in a big of a fog as my H was in, and for this, I have only myself to blame. I'm just happy that my H wasn't around to see it, it would have killed him. <P>As more and more time passes, the less I think about this man. When I do think about him, I think about how he was willing to get involved with a married woman. I think about how he tried to sabotage my marriage when it was at its low point. I think of him as I would a predator. All of his nice qualities fade when I think about this. And I'm glad that I wasn't weak enough (stupid enough?) to fall for some big line of malarky about how we were "meant to be together." I easily could have ... but that little voice in the back of my head kept saying, "Don't do it! This is WRONG!"<P>I'm also ashamed of sharing private information with this man. I told him things that were none of his business. How could I ever expect that just because my H was telling my secrets to the XOW, that it was okay for me to do the same? Or that it would make things better? It only gave my H less of an incentive to come home (yes, I was honest about my friendship with this man). <P>I did "miss" him for sometime after I told him that we could never talk again or see each other. But now when I think about it, it's not him I missed, it was having someone to listen to me and treat me well. I missed being pampered and coddled and treated like a queen. But you know what? This could have been anyone off the street. He wasn't special. The only thing special about him was that he was available ... and willing. That we had so much in common just fooled me into thinking that he was unique - better. <P>So saying this, confessing this ... I really believe that your fog will pass in time. I believe that you will be able to let go. Once I took a step back and looked at the situation from an objective standpoint, I thought, "Whoa! This is not me! This is not what I want to be, or how I want to treat my H!" What I learned is that an OP is not a replacement for the happiness of a marriage, even if there is trouble in the marriage, and even if it were seemingly beyond redemption. I gave myself my own reality check: this guy was ... well, a man who wanted to have a relationship with a married woman, and who had no compunctions about it. I didn't want to be like him. I didn't *have* to be like him. I owed it to myself to be better, to rise above that kind of thing. And so I just did it.<P>One day, Ivory, I think that you will really see your W again - just as my H sees me again. He's holding me at night, tightly, and telling me that he loves me, and I sometimes hear the regret in his voice that he didn't give me the chance to fill the space in his life that the XOW did. But that's over now, and I forgive him. I forgive myslf for almost making the same mistake.<P>Forgive yourself first, and the rest will come a little bit easier. <P>belld
