Background -- my husband and I have been married 18 years and have two children (12 and 9). My husband was involved with another woman (engaged) right before he met me and she broke it off, but never really resolved it for him. He asked me to marry him about 6 months after that -- I thought he was over her. 2 years into the marriage, he starts pulling away from me emotionally -- won't talk to me -- doesn't share his feelings (even though I knew something was wrong). We went to counseling because I threatened to leave. Come to find out we problem solve very differently because of our backgrounds.<BR>At any rate, it seemed to help. Run forward to the year my dd was born -- a lot of issues came up because his parents came to stay with us for 16 weeks during the tail end of my pregnancy and the birth of my dd. They treated me like I didn't exist, insisted on his doing things with them and not include me, told me that me and my children were a burden to him and that if weren't for us he could move home with them, etc., etc. He did nothing -- said nothing to them. Later told me he had written a letter -- but I didn't see it. <BR>For the next 6.5 years we didn't have sex -- not because I didn't want to -- I really did -- he didn't. I initiated it a year and a half ago and we had sex one night. Then nothing for the next 1.5 years. <BR>Around Thanksgiving he tells me he doesn't love me, thinks he never did love me, married me because he was "lonely". Then tells me he doesn't want to have sex with me because of the way I look. I know my comfort is food and so when he pulled away from me, I went to my comfort -- I've put on about 50 lbs. But I've always been heavy. Side note -- his brother did this to his wife a year ago only told this woman (who'd had both breasts removed because of two bouts of cancer) that it "bothered him that she didn't have breasts". <BR>I have asked my husband several times if he is having an affair -- I figure if he isn't getting it from me than he must get it somewhere -- its unnatural to go that long -- isn't it? He's always said no.<BR>The last two or three months he's been coming home late, not calling. I asked again and his response was "don't be ridiculous" -- not the usual "no".<BR>Yesterday a friend told me that she met a woman who worked with my husband. She's divorced, drop dead gorgeous and wealthy from what my friend said. She asked her how she knew him and she said she works with him and that she "loves him -- he's so funny, kids around with me all the time, calls me this nickname because of the perfume I wear that he says makes me smell good enough to eat, is very caring. I know all about his kids, including their b'days, etc.". I'm thinking -- is this her? Is this the woman who's sleeping with my husband? He never calls anyone a nickname -- not even his children. He's not outgoing in any way shape or form, and he's not one to kid around with people -- except when he's in love (or should I say lusting) with them. <BR>Is he having an affair? Should I confront him? Ask him if he knows her? He's never mentioned her name to me -- he's talked about a lot of his coworkers -- male and female -- but never her -- why? How would you approach it? <BR>I'm in counseling (have been since I found out he doesn't love me a month ago). He said he was going too, but I found out over the weekend he hasn't even gone yet. We are scheduled to go to couples counseling on the 30th -- but he has said he doesn't think it will do any good. <BR>I'd appreciate some advice. TIA

Hi Heatbroken,<P>Sorry you have to join us here, but welcome anyway. Read all you can on this site.<P>I don't know if he is having an affair, and I have gotten very suspicious so I would say if you suspect it may be true. We have all heard I don't love you any more and denial is always their first reaction. I would keep trying to quietly investigate it. But the plan A they talk about here can work no mattter if he is having an affair or not. Read about it and consider ordering the book Surviving and affair from this site or a book store.<P>I think the counseling is a good idea and hopefully he will talk there. Keep posting here.<BR>Lora

Welcome <B>Heartbroken18</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>You have a lot to learn...<BR>...mostly about yourself!<P>MB counseling may be a good alternative to your current counseling...<BR>...maybe you want to consider a change.<P>Stay here for the moral support.<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

Welcome BrokenHearted:<P>Just wanted to let you know that the "I don't love you" and "I never did" are all part of the process. After you're here a while you'll see that for yourself.<P>My WH admitted months after his A that he thought that at that time but realized later that that wasn't true. He never stopped loving me, he just needed some way to explain himself to himself and it was a quick justification of his A.<P>I would think that it is highly probable that he is having an affair but that doesn't mean the marriage is over...it just means that you've got some work to do on it and now is the time to start. After you've read the material on this site you'll be better informed about how you might proceed. Either way this turns out...affair or not...you need to start working on your marriage because it's not the kind of marriage you need either way. <P>Welcome again, and I encourage you to read all the posts and participate as much as possible....you'll be learning in the process. <P>Angels and Prayers ~ Faye