Hi,<P>I have had one other post here. I recently (three weeks ago) confessed to my wife about a one night stand which occured about three months ago. In addition to one other one night stand 8 years ago, and since I confessed everything, three one night stands whiel we were together before we were engaged.<BR>We have decided to work things out and there were some other issues such as I told her that I used to go in chat rooms and chat, it felt harmless to me. In addition, I would look at web sites with nude pictures,the kind amateur people send in. I didn't like the way I felt in the chat rooms, kind of like it was not me in there, but another person. i made a decision at one time that some of the topics discussed in sex chat rooms, although at first were funny, appeared to be of a "wierd" nature, ones I am not interested in. So, I basically stopped going in, with the exception of goin in to talk with some of the "normal" people I met, just for something to do. I also would look at the amateur web sites, and continued todo so. I did not think much of it,as I would have those windows open when I was doing work on the computer and would look at them while I was waiting for things to load and items to print. Well, my wife decided to do a search on all the web sites I have visited and although they were only a few actual sites, the times were numerous, and she was furious. She just blew up and Ihad no answer for her. I told her that I didn't mean anythingby it, I was looking. I guess Ididn't realize unitl today how terrible it is to do something like that and how much it can hurt somebody. Now she tells me, "I'm working through trying to save our marriage,and if I can do that, then Ihave to work through this." She is taken aback, and rightfully so, that she feels I am some type of sex addicted person. The thing is that I find her very attractive, and having an outstanding fgure that sheworks hard at. She now feels "how can I share my body with a person who looks at other women withtheir legs spread ona regualr basis?" I am going to talk to her tonight again and try to find a solution because I did not know this hurt her so much, if I did, believe me it would not have happened. I thought it was innocent, but obvioussly not. Any help on the topic is greatly appreciated.

No help, but you seem have the right attitude and it seems like you are headed in the right direction.<P>Your poor wife, she must of been going along, thinking she was living a nice life and in the last month has been blown out of the water.<P>What you must believe is that your marriage can be even better than before now that YOU are willing to make that happen!

opdam,<P>I haven't read your first post but I'm sure on that one you were urged to read ALL the info on this site to build a stronger, happier, more secure marriage. Please be sure you do that. Tell your W exactly how you feel about her, about the marriage and your sincere wishes to rebuild it. Have her fill out the Emotional Needs questionaire. Find out what she REALLY wants and needs. I think you may be suprised. We so often assume we know our spouses well enough to know what they want,,but do we really? Ask HER what you can do to assure her of your sincerity. And when she tells you,,LISTEN. And follow through. Good luck to you and keep on posting!

Just a question. If you really thought there was nothing wrong with pornography and that it would not hurt your wife, why did you hide it from her and not openly share what you were doing?<P>I suspect it was for the same reasons that you hid your unfaithfulness. Because you DID know that it would hurt her. Anytime you are doing something you have to hide, it is something you shouldn't be doing.

I have thought about this very much the past two days, and have now determined that this is the right answer. It is something I should not have been doing, and there was really no reason to do it. Everday something happens in our situation and it makes me think even more and usually after a few days I make some kind of sense of what I did wrong, and the things I will do to correct it. Thanks for the words.<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by peppermint:<BR><B>Just a question. If you really thought there was nothing wrong with pornography and that it would not hurt your wife, why did you hide it from her and not openly share what you were doing?<P>I suspect it was for the same reasons that you hid your unfaithfulness. Because you DID know that it would hurt her. Anytime you are doing something you have to hide, it is something you shouldn't be doing.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

I have asked her what I can do to show her that I am sincere. She has said she believes that I am really going to try, but right now she feels as if I have destroyed her entire life. She says she has a long life in front of her, and does not want it destroyed again. I have told her "you fell in love with a part of me, and when you found out about the other part of me, it ruined you. I am going to give you that person you fell in love with and hope that you this can work." Deep down, I really feel she wants this to work, but I understand she has many things to think about now, good and bad. I am making a new post today with another question, so any help is appreciated. Thanks! <BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Nerlycrzy:<BR><B>opdam,<P>I haven't read your first post but I'm sure on that one you were urged to read ALL the info on this site to build a stronger, happier, more secure marriage. Please be sure you do that. Tell your W exactly how you feel about her, about the marriage and your sincere wishes to rebuild it. Have her fill out the Emotional Needs questionaire. Find out what she REALLY wants and needs. I think you may be suprised. We so often assume we know our spouses well enough to know what they want,,but do we really? Ask HER what you can do to assure her of your sincerity. And when she tells you,,LISTEN. And follow through. Good luck to you and keep on posting! </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>