Hi,<P>I confessed to my wife 3 1/2 weeks ago about my one night stand with a woman (4 months ago) Also, with the onion layer told her about one other one night stand 8 years ago, and three women before we were engaged, but dating. Anyway....When I first told her she asked me if I still loved her and I said "yes, and would do anything to keep this marriage together." She forgave me and said she wouldalso try and work on it because she wants our family to stay a family. Over thenext coupel weeks we talked about things and everything we think we need to do to solve this and get on with our lives. We have beenposting here on a regular basis, and reading the material(which has really helped). I told my W about a week ago that deep down in my heart I really think this is going to work. I know it will take a long time, but I think we will pull through. I told her I miss the simple things like kissing her, hugging her, sitting close with each other on the couch, and just general nice conversations where we both laugh. She said she misses those things also,but just can't do that now because she is so hurt and feels as if I have shattered her entire life. At the end of that converstaion she said, "This probably will work out, but for now, i need time to sort my feelings." I understand and we decided to still talk about this and show how we are feeling. We still live in the same house, sleep in the same bed, wear our wedding rings, eat toghether, and try and handle everyday things with the house, work, and kids like we always have. We talked a couple nights ago and we both kind of determined things would never actually be exactly like they were before, but could be a different kind of good. Now, here is my latest problem. I know there are always going to be "bumps" in the road and bad days while we sort this out, but now I feel as if she is drifting away. She has told me that she is now thinking of all the things that have ever happened to us and how betrayedshe feels. It is almost like she is looking for something bad, kind of like "beating herself up" looking for things that were not great. She said the other night that maybe she would seem like a fool to take me back since she deeserves so much better. But, then she says how important it is for our children to be with two parents and she doesn't want to make any decisions right now, but wants to think things out. She then told me that she loves me, but not romantically now, and wonders if she will ever be able to even kiss me again. Her final statement of ourconversation last night was "I can never imagine a day without our kids, but if I am not going to be happy, it is not worth it." Then she reverts back to how she does not want to make any decisions right now because she is still grieving. I guess I kind of see where she is with all this, and for as much as I want this whole marriage and family to stay together, i don't want her to be unhappy forever. I really think I can change and be the man she wants and deserves. Sure, I have had my faults, but I know how to correct them now. She says she believes I will try, but wonders if it will last forever. She said she has been praying alot, and thinks that God will help decide for her what to do. So, since I have been praying alot also, have decided to increase my prayers forher and hope that God helps us through this whole deal. Any thoughts on why she goes from one extreme to the other so quickly?

I'll post more later.<P>The short answer is she is overwhelmed with emotions. When I said in the other post, strap yourself in for the ride of your life, I meant it.<P>Bumps in the road? Hah...you'll be dealing with far worse than bumps, my friend.<P>You have destroyed her world. The marriage that she thought she had is gone. Everything is unfamiliar and surreal.<P>She is living through severe emotional trauma.<P>I'm not saying that you shouldn't ignore what she says, but you honestly can not judge whether or not you will be "unhappy" the rest of your lives, right now.<P>You can believe nothing will be the same. That doesn't mean it can not be better.<P>Gotta go

Thanks,<P>We had a long talk tonight. I see a little more of how she feels. I think that we made some progress in our talk tonight, albeit it little in the long run, it was good for me to hear some of it. I have been working on my action plan of how I am going to change, and have a good idea of some more things I can put in my plan to help change my life.<BR>Have a great weekend, and thanks again! You are beginning to be a good friend and kind of a saver of my sanity.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by FaithHopeLove:<BR><B>I'll post more later.<P>The short answer is she is overwhelmed with emotions. When I said in the other post, strap yourself in for the ride of your life, I meant it.<P>Bumps in the road? Hah...you'll be dealing with far worse than bumps, my friend.<P>You have destroyed her world. The marriage that she thought she had is gone. Everything is unfamiliar and surreal.<P>She is living through severe emotional trauma.<P>I'm not saying that you shouldn't ignore what she says, but you honestly can not judge whether or not you will be "unhappy" the rest of your lives, right now.<P>You can believe nothing will be the same. That doesn't mean it can not be better.<P>Gotta go</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

I wish I could fly to where you are and talk to you both. I'm a BS, and if you have read any of my posts, my wife is nowhere close to deciding to come back to me. But I can say that if you are both willing to work on your marriage, then that is half the battle.<P>It is all about two people that want the marriage to work. It sounds like you two qualify. If my wife could be where your wife is now, I'd be really happy. I'm not saying that anything else that has happened is not important. But when I see two people that are still together and they both wish the marriage would work, I am very hopeful.<P>Has she read SAA and HN/HN, and have you read them too? I think they would help you both very much. I'll leave it at that for now, but let us know what the latest is with you. Take care.<P>

Rick,<BR>Forgive my newness to this whole topic but what is a BS? I know I have a BS in Criminal Justice, but don't know what you are referring to. <BR>This is only about the third time I received a response from a man on any topic. I am confused right now because I am beating myself up right now, trying to rack my brain thinking if I have everdone anything else wrong, or didn't tell her everything about the times I told her. Today I was working on a list in my mind about how I am going to change my lifestyle and I thought of some untrue things i told her the other day in response to her questions. Some of the questions from her were quickand I made an immediate (wrong) response. Now today when I told her she just looked at me and shook her head and said "I know there has got to be more." This really confuses me because it is as if I try to manufacture things or make myself goofy thinking about these things all the time. Then, the things that have bothered her, that I have talked about, i try and think of other things to say about them, kind of like beating a dead horse. Today I told her that I have actually thought, "maybe I shouldjust let you go, you don't deserve someone like me, I have destroyed your life." Then I think about this and it makes me physically ill not being with her or seeing her with another man. Anyway, a response from you would sure help. I have one buddy I talk with, but he is just that a buddy, and has never been through this, but is a level headed straight shooter Christian man who happens to be my best friend for the past twenty years. Also, what is SAA HN/HN ? I figure they are probably some books from this site, but my eyes get tired searching all this stuff.<BR>Thanks<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Rick37:<BR><B>I wish I could fly to where you are and talk to you both. I'm a BS, and if you have read any of my posts, my wife is nowhere close to deciding to come back to me. But I can say that if you are both willing to work on your marriage, then that is half the battle.<P>It is all about two people that want the marriage to work. It sounds like you two qualify. If my wife could be where your wife is now, I'd be really happy. I'm not saying that anything else that has happened is not important. But when I see two people that are still together and they both wish the marriage would work, I am very hopeful.<P>Has she read SAA and HN/HN, and have you read them too? I think they would help you both very much. I'll leave it at that for now, but let us know what the latest is with you. Take care.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

BS is betrayed spouse. The kind of information you want (names of books etc.) can be found if you go to the Just Found Out... forum, and look for the post (you don't have to search...it is visible right away) from NSR called "General Welcome for All New Builders". This leads you to the description of everything you might want to know.<P>The books sound really good for you two, because you've both said you want it to work, but there is just questions as to whether it is possible. That is where the books are great, and so is even one session with Steve Harley. It is possible to fall back in love again...many success stories on here from those that have done it. So I'd suggest getting Surviving An Affair and His Needs/Her Needs from this website.<P>You'll learn alot from them. Also, from the home page of this site, download the Love Busters questionnaire and the Emotional Needs questionnaire. You should both fill them out and discuss them, if you wife is open to that. You'll find lots of stuff on MB, as you know already. Instead of beating yourself up over things that have happened, start working on making things right. Easier said than done, but you have to start somewhere. Given that you are both together, you are in a good position to make your marriage wonderful. Good luck.

Welcome <B>opdam</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>The <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>Welcome</A> post can help you out alot!<P>As far as some of the <B>acronyms</B> check out ===> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000557.html" TARGET=_blank>Acronyms, Smilies, UBB Codes</A>...<P>By The Way (BTW)... <B>BS</B> has been used around here to stand for "Betrayed Spouse"...<BR>...I personally prefer <B>FS</B> for "Faithful Spouse"...<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>So much to learn...<BR>...give yourself some time....<P><B>You are not alone</B>!<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>