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Joined: Jul 2000
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Friends,<P>You know, I work with OW. I've always been very up front with her, telling her there is no future with me after I decided my marriage was worth working on. For awhile OW and I had gone our separate ways, and I was pretty depressed for several weeks. She had found a single fellow and decided to persue that relationship. After about two months I was beginning to reconnect with my wife and realize the value of my marriage, despite all the crap we have put each other through. My wife has done a 180 degree turn in the past year in behavior and attitude, and I am changing for the better, too. After the relationship split, I thought OW and I could be "just friends" at work, and that seemed to work for awhile.<BR>Now her single guy relationship has ended and guess who she wants to take up with? Me. <BR>I've told her that I'm not a fall-back guy on a string, that I am working on my marriage and that I am putting distance between us. She doesn't seem to hear this and is as persistent as ever! My in-love feelings for her have diminished considerably and I don't want to take up with her again, but the temptation is always there, especially when I am feeling low. I am comfortable in "just friends" mode and can keep things at that level just fine.<BR>I'm a "sweet and kind" person, so it is hard for me to get cold and nasty, but that may be what I need to do to keep OW at bay. It is really depressing at times to realize that I've got myself into a situation that seems to just on and on...and on....and on... just like the Energizer Bunny!<BR>I see firsthand the value of the "no contact" rule. A year since affair #1 after having moved to another state, that relationship is dead. The ending of affair #2 is a slow sometimes painful process. I am going to do my darndest to avoid ever having another affair! Thanks for listening. <P>Rockaway

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Rockaway,<BR>My H broke off & resumed with his co-worker OW 3-4 times and at least 2 of the times they started back up coincided with her breaking up with some other guy. It made our marriage extremely vulnerable. 3 years after his affair began, we've been back together 8 months and are still struggling with, among other things, the promises (I want our marriae, I love you, I'll be faithful, I'll tell you if there is personal contact) he made during the earlier reconciliations & then broke, which said now have little meaning to me.<P>If you let her use you as a sweet guy with a shoulder to cry on, you are in big trouble. Would you rather hurt the OW's feelings or devastate your wife? That is the choice you are making as you allow the OW to be persistant, not whether you are a "nice" guy or not. Tell the OW once more, "I love my wife, I want my marriage and I cannot have any relationship with you outside of the work we have to do together". Say it brusquely, harshly if needed, the OW is obviously not hearing, or not respecting what you've said. And stick to it. Get up and leave or hang up the phone if the conversation ever turns. Better she thinks you are a creep than you putting your wife through anymore.<P>Your wife is a peach (meaning a sweetie) if she's allowed you to be friends with the OW, and tell her what is going on, it will help you be accountable.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8

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Rockaway,<P>Honestly? If it were me, I'd find another job. I've seen firsthand what happens when affairs end in the workplace. It affects everyone around them, not just the two involved - the tension is almost palpable. I went through this last year when session was at its peak, and thank GOD that my boss fired one of the people involved in the affair to restore order to the workplace.<P>Changing jobs is not a bad thing. I know that it's difficult ... but if you want a peaceful life, then it would probably be better, not just for you and your W (and the XOW), but for everyone you work with.<P>belld

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[QUOTE]Originally posted by rockaway:<BR><B>I'm a "sweet and kind" person, so it is hard for me to get cold and nasty, but that may be what I need to do to keep OW at bay.</B><P>a job change might be called for. Losing even half your income isn't as bad as losing half your assets in a dovorce [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>You know, one little step you can take is to tell the OW that you reported your conversations back to your W. She probably unconscioulsyy feels that she is driving a wedge between the two of you by once again having secrets. Pop that illusion.<BR>

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Dear Rockaway,<P>Haven't been around at all - trying to get some time aside to Cradle in God's Rest. Was thinking about you and had a feeling - so decided to check in after a haitus.<P>I think that OPs don't get the message because of the past associations so they think they can wear down your resistance after a while. You really have to put your foot down and cut off all contact with OP.<P>You have gotten great advice already. I think what Lor has said about the feelings of your wife vis a vis OP is really true. You would need to guard the heart of your wife like a bull dog and growl at whoever tries to steal from your marriage.<P>Sometimes, you can pray for specifics such as hedges of protection around yourself, your wife such that no lover can get to you or your wife and vice versa. Also circumstances will not be present to enable an affair. Perhaps you can pray for the Lord to remove her from your workplace or a job for yourself.<P>I have an instinct that you are a nice and sweet and easy-going guy with a ready smile and twinkle in the eye (in fact that was in my mind when I was thinking about your situation) but it is alright to DEFEND your honour, not compromise your integrity and Protect your wife, make your child proud, by fleeing a snare or temptress' pit (please read Proverbs 4 -6).<P>Rockaway, I wish you godspeed and strength and wisdom to ride out life's difficulties. It can be real easy to fall again because there are many people out there who are lonely and wanting some company - any nice company - so we have to be extra careful. I do get propositioned and sometimes by anxious mothers who want to marry their sons off - makes me laugh a bit now that I feel all rejected and such - but bottomline is what DO WE WANT for ourselves and most importantly, let us not destroy the temple of God and defile it again (our bodies).<P>Hey, Rockaway, invite Jesus into your heart again and again and into your workplace so that you can feel His peace and His strength. <P>I will check in again soon now that I have posted some things. Things have not been the best between WS and I but on the spiritual front, God has been faithful and I am delighted to know that He cares. <P>I pray that you fulfill your destiny as I pray that I fulfill mine as well. I am a Deborah and Rebecca so if I am closer to God, I can do much much more than I am currently able to. Do you know the gifts that God has graced you with? If you put your mind on such things, it will be easier to not be deceived by the evil one.<P>God bless you <BR>Love<BR>from weep.

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Sorry,I don't mean to be rude, but "sweet and kind" and 2 affairs? I don't get it.<P>Seems to me that you can either be "sweet and kind" to your wife, and end the contact, OR be "sweet and kind" to this other woman, who is NOT concerned about being "kind" to YOU or Your wife. <P>I don't see how you can be nice to them both.<BR>It's your choice.<P><BR>

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Friends,<P>Thanks all, for your replys. Have been busy with guests and have not had much time to read and post. This will be short as I have to go to work soon. Will reply more in-depth later to Lor and Weep.<P>GodAlone -<BR> I should have explained myself better. "Sweet and kind" is an image, a facet of character that I have and project and that many people, especially women, pick up on and gravitate to. Much akin to Clint Eastwood's "tough guy" image, or Sean Connery's "suave and sophisticated" image - it is just a facet of who they are.<BR>Having said that, you are 100% correct in saying that I should save the sweet and kind for my wife by being faithful to her, and that is indeed what I am working hard at doing. My point is that one of the fallouts of my affair with a co-worker is that it is hard to manage rebuilding when co-worker is persistent and I find it difficult to be "mean". But you and others here have made it clear that that is what I will have to be and I intend to follow the straight forward advice that y'all give.<BR>Thanks for your support. I covet your prayers.<BR>I will respond to weep and Lor and others later.<BR>Rockaway

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Friends,<P>Thanks all, for your replys. Have been busy with guests and have not had much time to read and post. This will be short as I have to go to work soon. Will reply more in-depth later to Lor and Weep.<P>GodAlone -<BR> I should have explained myself better. "Sweet and kind" is an image, a facet of character that I have and project and that many people, especially women, pick up on and gravitate to. Much akin to Clint Eastwood's "tough guy" image, or Sean Connery's "suave and sophisticated" image - it is just a facet of who they are.<BR>Having said that, you are 100% correct in saying that I should save the sweet and kind for my wife by being faithful to her, and that is indeed what I am working hard at doing. My point is that one of the fallouts of my affair with a co-worker is that it is hard to manage rebuilding when co-worker is persistent and I find it difficult to be "mean". But you and others here have made it clear that that is what I will have to be and I intend again to follow the straight forward advice that y'all give.<BR>Thanks for your support. I covet your prayers.<BR>I will respond to weep and Lor and others later.<BR>Rockaway

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Lor,<P>Thanks for sharing your back-and-forth experience with me. You begin to feel like a tennis ball being smacked back and forth after awhile, don't you! Trust is indeed an issue with us, and my wife is trying very hard to be loving and trusting, inspite of my relapse a month or so ago. Makes me want to try very hard to earn her trust back. She's on eggshells everyday when I go to work, wondering about contact with OW. Another relapse would be disasterous, and would spell the end for us and I don't want that.<P>Weep -<BR>Thanks for checking in with me. "Cradle of God's Rest" - I like that - very soothing and peaceful feeling!<BR>Guarding my wife's heart... any continued involvement with OW makes my wife vulnerable to an affair, too. She has said that there is a man at her work that she is attracted to because of his sense of humor and that it would be easy for her to create situations of contact with him. Although she has cheated before, I think that she really wants to be faithful to me and wants me to give her good reason to be faithful. So you are right. I have to guard my affections and by so doing help her guard hers.<P>You must have some extrasensory gifts. You described your precognition dream of your baby's birth accident, and your instinct about me is right on the money [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] I've been told quite often that I have a "warm, friendly eyes and a wonderful smile." It is interesting - my sponsor friend also encouraged me to read Proverbs 4-7 this week.<P>I will pray for Jesus's presence at my work place and in my heart. I will pray for hedges of protection. I am thinking of writing another "no contact" letter. If I do, pray that I will have the conviction and strength to not be deterred from it.<P>My wife and I are going to a Retrouvaille weekend the 2nd of Feb. Sounds intense. Have you ever heard of Retrouvaille? It is a program presented by the Catholic church to help couples in very troubled marriages. Our therapist strongly recommended that we try that experience.<P>The following weekend I'm going to take a break from all this and get in a few days of skiing at Breckenridge and Keystone. That is something I'm looking forward to! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Sounds like you are doing somewhat better, not quite so depressed and hopeless and angry and bitter. I have been praying for you as well. Please don't allow your bitterness to lead you to do something harmful. That is a real danger. I know. I've been there, done that. It's not good. <P>Hang in there. Let me know how you are doing. <P>Rockaway

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Sounds like you and your wife are really trying. <P>I hope your retrouville weekend brings you closer, and gives you and your wife the tools you need to resist temptation.<P>Thanks for sharing a little more of your story---<P>


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