NO response required, just trying to get this garbage out of my head. 6 months into recovery, today is just awful. I don't hate my H. But I don't like him either. Everything he says seems to fall on deaf ears, I try to pull myself out of this funk but all I can do is look at him and think who in the H*** is this man. I try to remember why I fell so hard for him, and all I can do is remember that all of that was a lie. I feel used, he uses me for sex, he uses me for income, for stability. His biggest fear is being alone. My biggest fear is that I won't have security. I thought I had it before, now I know that I really didn't. We have been together for three years. I didn't even know this man. He swears he has changed, how am I to know. He says he is worth the gamble. I don't feel he is. I am tired, worn out. First he kicked me and my son out of our home. No warning, just decided he didn't want to be married any longer, then filed for a divorce, then had an affair, then wanted a reconciliation, before I found out about the OW. Of course I loved him and thought ok, he had worked thru what ever it was that caused him to act this way, then found out about the A. I was already back in the house, miserable, broke, then he had a nervous breakdown, He spent his vacation with OW I spent mine wiping spittle from his mouth, spoon feeding him, and holding him as he cried. He is on meds, going to counseling, we both are in individual counseling, He is the model husband. LOving, caring, remorseful. It is me. I don't like to be around him. I love him when he is gone, when we have to spend time together I go thru such immense anger that I could throttle him. I want to run so badly. Anywhere away from him. Is this normal? Is there any normalacy to any of this insanity? I have read until I think my eyes are going blind, done all of the self talk. Talked to him, which helps me but hurts him so badly he cringes when I start a conversation, am very careful not to lb even though I think it. I am very supportive of him and tell him what a wonderful man he is. When it comes to telling him I love him I seem to freeze up. Sex is ok,(was great before) as long as I don't think of what I am doing. I am so afraid that I am numbing my way thru life. I try not to hold a grudge, try to be forgiving, it sounds so good in theory but d*** it is so hard to do in real life. I read all of your post and feel so inadequate. I know why my H did what he did, it really didn't have anything to do with me, He was abused as a child, teen, and adult. I have compassion for him, I want what I felt before, romance, love, friendship. Ok, well thru for now. I am very thankful to have somewhere just to write my thoughts down. Jenni

You do have a lot to be angry and hurt about. It will probably take some time & lots of talking it out to do this, and your H probably cannot be the only venue for this...maybe not even the main one of he is still somewhat fragile.<P>I'd strongly suggest you start seeing a counselor (or minister)...someone who can be your sounding board and listen to you, let you work some of this out.<P>Other good things to do with anger...get a bunch of cheap plates and break 'em, punch pillows, tell God how angry you are with your H and what has happened (He is big enough to take your anger, trust me), pound nails, dig up a new flowerbed...you get the idea...<P>Hugs--<P>Kathi

Kathi<BR>Thank you so much for your kind words, I don't think my pain has ever really been acknowledged. I haven't told but one person about the A. Lots knew of the nervous breakdown, as it was evident. I don't feel this way all of the time, I am going to a counsler, usually when I feel like this my appt. isn't for awhile. Thru out all of this we have lost all of our family, mine all live thousands of miles away and I would not want them to know of the A. and his are the very ones that inflicted the abuse on him as a child, and then foster mother as a teen and young adult. (barring his Grandparents who know but are up in age and I won't ask them to bear the burden of this). We have no friends anymore, his nervous breakdown scared most of them off. Going thru the breakup and the A and the reconciliation has cost us thousands and thousands. Some days we coast a long fine, I worry so much about it happening again, worry about pushing him out of my life, he seems so happy right now. Why can't I forgive and forget and be happy too? How on earth do people hang on and let go of the resentment? Thank you so much for letting me know that it is ok to hurt. I do honestly appreciate that. Jenni

Jenni,<BR>The love/hate, pushme/pullme, hope/anger/resentment feelings you are having are completely normal. On top of the being kicked out of the house, threat of divorce, affair, you have also had to take care of the man through what must have been a very scary time.<P>You get through this one day at a time, sometimes just an hour at a time...step by step. Let go of the past, let go of the resentments--difficult & ongoing, at least for me, but it is what you need to do to heal. <P>Do things you enjoy. It is amazing what exercise or physical exercion can do to help alleviate stress, like Kam says. Can you try some neutral, yet fun stuff with your H? Movies, going out to eat, hikes or snow-sports (depending on your location).<P>I'm concerned if he is cringing when you talk to him. In the early days of our bad times, my H actually developed an aversion to both me & our house...every time he walked in it was a scene. After awhile, he wasn't walking in, had moved out. And about that time I discovered a Plan A type of behavior.<P>You aren't inadequate. You've been through a very bad time.<P>Your H, despite his bad childhood, also made a bad choice in having an affair and how he treated you.<P>Anger can be a phase you pass through, or you can hang onto it and become bitter. It's really up to you. You have to handle your feelings whether you & your H stay together or not. And anger will crop up more than once, but if you concentrate on angry thoughts, you will stay angry. If you concentrate on the good things you mention--he's loving, caring, remorseful--you may find your emotions switching around.<P>Just this week I became very angry with my H. But, I'm taking the advice I was given here on MB, which is pretty much the advice I'm giving you, and I'm picking myself back up and releasing that anger & the memories that triggered it.<P>I wish you the best.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8

Lor<BR>Thank you for the advice, today is much better. I just feel like I have lost the faith in "forever". I have explained to him many times that I am not blaming, or angry I just need to talk once I talk I feel so much better. I know I have to let the anger go and am trying to on a daily basis. He has no and I mean no idea of how much anger and resentment I feel towards him at times. It is so much better now then it was even a month ago. I have hope that I can get thru this and someday feel at least a fraction of the love that I once felt for this man. I have started going to the spa whenever my job allows me the time and you are right it helps tremendously. I feel guilty doing things without H, and miss getting out and about. Little by little I try to incorparate activities that I enjoy. He pretty much hibernates in the winter and doesnt' like me to do things without him. It seems all of the things we once loved to do he is no longer interested. He is content with watching movies at home, and napping, I miss the active side of my life. Right now I am so afraid of turning to someone else, anyone else because I know how vunerable I feel. So instead I turn here. Thanks for the wishes and the advice and for letting me vent. Jenni