Resending a question sent on another forum that I didnt get replies to :<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum3/HTML/000233.html" TARGET=_blank>Confusion</A>

{copying over the question back here for convenience...}<P>i got married last year.my husband likes to watch porn...and i am not comfortable with it.....problem is he is not able to share it with me....i told him that we can watch porn together but he says that he's not comfertable with that because it was always been something he was doing alone and all of a sudden he cannot be so open that he can watch it along with me......so he tries to watch it when ever i go to sleep or i am not at home........it hurts....evrytime i go to sleep alone i am feeling that he is watching porn...that may be my insecurity......i try to find out next day that was he watching porn or not...and when i find that out i hurt myself.....all my feelings for him just go away.....i don't feel like wearing sexy clothes or do somwthing for him.....i know i should give time to him....so that he is able to share his personal life with me...but till then what should i be doing...how should i handle my expectations.....need help so that i am able to think in a proper way and i don't want to hurt our relation ....<BR>also i have discussed this with him..but everytime he tells me that hope i am able to understand why i do that.....still haven't got any answer for that......sometimes he do feel that he is not doing good at work...or he is not good enough... and then he is frustrated ....and watching porn might just help him to get out of it for a while....but i don't think this is the right solution....but for him it is....what should i do......<BR>

i am the husband who is the culprit here. <P>Agreed, I used to enjoy porn. Still do. But trying to stop it if it hurts wife. <P>However, at times, she hurts me. And call it spite, impulsiveness, or immaturity, I get frustrated and I dont stop myself anymore. In those moments, I feel its a fair thing to do. And I dont feel like investing anymore in the relationship and I feel cheated.<P>As to why I get hurt, I haven't been able to fully recover from an old affair of hers, but I have put in lot of effort, it'll take some more time. We two are very different personality types. She is very open and friendly with everyone and I am more possessive/jealous. It doesn't seem fair to me that she had relationships in the past and she continues to have friends, whereas I never had nor have any friends of opposite sex (just casual friends, not relationships) . <P>We had an arranged marriage and never really had a honeymoon phase, so to say. I sometimes question the benefit of this marriage. It will be a lot of work for both of us, but I dont see the benefits. I am not shying away from change, but thats my honest take on the situation. <P>Even if we quit, there will be wounds to heal and then get over it, and start all over again.......and still things may or may not work out........<P>It seems to be a lose-lose situation.

I think both of you could use counseling from the Harleys... You have to keep in mind one thing here. You can only control yourself... Trying to control somebody else will never work. If each of you puts aside your anger and concentrates on being a better person, I think things might change. David, is it Okay to hurt her because she hurt you? This is a normal reaction but let's be honest two wrongs don't make a right. Perhaps if you can calmly and considerately talk to her about the issues, you can address them together. As long as you are in the "she hurt me so I hurt her" mode you'll never get anywhere. Causing more hurt doesn't fix anything... If you could be a great guy even if she hurts you I think you'd be happy in yourself and you may see a wife more responsive to you. I'm sure there's things she can also work on... Helping you deal with past infidelities, earning trust, whatever... You both need to get counseling and get a plan to fix this before you end up caugt up in greater hurt like myself and many others here... Just my opinion... Crick

I have not had counseling with the Harleys, but I would suggest that you get counseling somewhere. There are plenty of places that charge on a sliding scale if money is a problem.<P>I agree that "you hurt me, I hurt you" is a recipe for disaster. The situation will only escalate and you will end up throwing nuclear weapons at each other.<P>David, was the affair before you got married or where in a committed relationship? If it is so, maybe you need to look at your reaction to Sonna having opposite sex friends.<P>Sonna, to err is human, to forgive, divine. David acknowledges that porn is a problem for him. It is up to you to be forgiving and help him overcome his addiction. That's what families do for each other.<P>Please do your best to work through this.<P>Good Luck

I had big expectations out of this marriage. I wanted the first few years to be the best time of my life. Things have turned out to be totally opposite. It seems like all work and pain and hurt to get this marriage to work. And I dont want to waste some valuable years of my life like this. <P>For my wife, I think, since this was not her first relationship, she didn't have too many expectations out of it. She had had a wonderful time that she can cherish all her life, whereas I cant.<P>So, its adding extra stress for me, not for her. I feel I put in all the effort to make it work, whereas she doesn't. <P>Plus, there is no spark between us. We are either fighting or "avoiding fights" - we are rarely in a love mode. I want to feel an intense feeling for someone, which is not there. May be I have gone too numb to feel anything. <P>Plus, we are so very different in every single thing. There is hardly anything that we like about each other. There are tons of things we hate about each other. I dont know how we are gonna make the two ends meet.<P>I think whats holding us together is just the fear of starting all over again, and the stigma attached to remarriage (esp. in our country)<P>Another thing : Instead of counselling, can someone suggest some good books to read. I have read Harley's books. Also, some other self-improvement books, and have really changed a lot in the past one year. But my wife hasn't budged from where she was. I feel, that both of us need to put in effort, but my wife doesn't care to do anything. She even refrains to read any book saying that books wont help, she can figure out by herself. <P>She hates being told what to do. And if you give her a hint of your intention to get her to do something, she will become even more rigid. I dont intend to change her all over. But I feel there is some basic responsibility that she needs to share. She doesn't work. All day she basically sleeps 12 hours, watches soaps and movies, is on the phone or chat or email and thats about it. <P>She is 26 and hasn't been able to figure out whether she wants to study or work or be a SAHM and she has been dillydallying this for past 1 year. <P>Everyday, I work 10 hours and then I HAVE TO entertain her, and she can still get upset on any little thing, so spend another 2-3 hours to fix the problem.<P>I am sorry, this is not my idea of having fun.