I am very angry tonight !!!! This road has been long and hard and I am very tired, needless to say. I have not been the best plan A person on this board, as a matter of fact I am the worst on this board. You all would be ashamed of me.<P>I cannot let this A go, I cannot forgive, and therefore, I cannot forget.<P>Every time my H looks or thinks about looking at another woman, my heart sinks and I just know he is thinking about his loss of the OW!<P>I am so tired of going down this road and I have not been very supportive of all of you lately, because my life ( I thought ) was on the mend and things were better.<P>My H quit drinking 3 or 4 months ago, after a couple of close calls with the law. DUI!!!<P>At last I thought, we are rid of the demon that has caused us such strife in our married life. The demon that clouded his perception of our marriage and was the cause of our demise.<P>My H is a singer and performs locally... after all the events he has done lately and done so well ( not drinking), he finally folded tonight and indulged himself to drink. I was devastated and the s---hit the fan....<P>I absolutely refuse to go down this road again with him.... I am guilty of beating him to death with the aftermath of the A, but I see myself as having tried to mend this marriage and make a go of it although, I still carry with me much resentment of what he has done to me and our family.<P>I just feel like I am worth more than he is capable of giving me. Maybe I am what Dr. Phil calls a "bottomless pit" character. But I have worked so hard to trust him once again and I feel like he has once again betrayed my trust and he thinks it is no big deal and it was a decision he made without me because he thinks that I and my MB site are too controlling of what he should and shouldn't do.<P>He says he is tired of my beating him to death and he can't take me being out in public with him anymore because I humiliate him so badly, I honestly didn't know I was doing this to him.<P>I think this is IT, I see no future with this man for me. I need and deserve more than I get. All I want is some attention and to trust him and looks like I want be getting either of those from him. His love ( big Al ) has returned to wreak havoc on us again and I will not go down this time.<P>How can I and where can I get the strength to let him go this time without the tears and fears of being alone? <P>Are any of you night owls out there?<BR>Cathy

Well, not a night owl, it is afternoon here. Just wanted you to know someone cared & was thinking of you. Try & sleep & think on things again tomorrow or the next day.

Cathy...<P>Only you will know how long your love will stay at a reasonable level.<P>31+ years is a long time...<BR>Alocohol abuse is a tough addiction to beat...<BR>...with an affair (or two) to juggle too.<P>Is he (and or you) in any counseling now?<BR>Any AA for him?<P>If he refuses...<BR>...and <B>you're</B> there...<BR>...it might be time to draft that Plan B letter.<P>Loneliness can be hard...<BR>...but staying together in an emotionally abusive situation... has to be harder.<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

Thank you Sing and NSR for responding to me.<P>I haven't been posting for some time now because I was giving this a rest and our situation had truly gotten better, albeit, my badgering.<P>I have burned all (literally) memorabilia from the A... phone bills, receipts, journaling, calendars, etc... I was in hope that doing this would help me put this behind me and as it all went up in smoke and ashes I asked the Lord to please help me keep the devil away so that I may begin to forgive my H. <P>H seems to think that I hound and badger him every chance I get... I personally am not aware that I am doing this.<P>H still does nothing to meet my EN's, maybe once in a while there is a glimmer of hope that he is trying, but not very often.<P>Then, I think, how many of his EN's am I meeting. NONE... He hasn't even filled out the Q. But, I pretty much know what some of them are, and the top two are not easily or quickly obtainable, so I'm sunk before I start. Me,lose weight and me, quit smoking are his key elements toward recovery.<P>We play a game, it's the you do what I want you to do and you be the way I want you to be and I will love you. WHAT IS THIS?<BR>We are both guilty of this dumb, immature game.<P>But, I honestly believe that if I were to become the slim, attractive person OW was for him (and she quit smoking) he would not stop drinking, so why should I bother?<P>I told him this morning that I would not go down this miserable road with him again...I am calling an attorney in the morning to see what my options are at this point.<P>If I am co-dependent, so be it, I will just have to learn how not to be and I will be fine. He will have to waller in his mire by himself, I will not be here to pick up his trails and pieces any longer. His alcohol will just lead him into another A and I can't do it again.<P>Thanks again for reading and posting. I have never gotten such a poor response from this board. Seems as though everyone is rampant these days.<P>Cathy<P>

Cathy,<BR>I haven't always done a perfect Plan A either, I just kept at it a long time.<P>As for your current situation, I'm not sure what to say, as I haven't dealt with alcoholism, except a little excessive drinking of my own during this last year--a poor coping mechanism, that started out as "a drink to help me sleep".<P>Ending your marriage because of the reasons you have given is completely up to you, we all have that point where we finally have to say "I've had enough". Of course, my H & I reconciled again after I got there, so I'm a bit fuzzy on "never again".<P>I can't remember if you ever did Plan B, or if you have separated before. If not, you may want to think about B before divorce. If the affair is still causing you such torment, you'll need time to heal whichever way you go. If you aren't in counseling, I strongly suggest it. Anger, even anger caused by a darn good reason, carried for a long time is not good for you, it leads to bitterness, despair, depression. And, if you do go through with your divorce, you don't want to carry the "dumb game" you've played with your H into your future.<P>Seeing a lawyer at this point is not unreasonable, your husband needs to know you are serious about this, and I believe you are serious. Just be cautious making any life-changing decisions while so angry, be sure you are doing what it is that you really want to do. I waited a month after our last separation to see a lawyer, didn't serve papers for another month. I'm glad I made that decision with a cool head, even though now, a year later & with my H, I no longer believe it was the best course of action for me/us at that time.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8