I'm here under an assumed name for a reason. I really need some help from everyone here.<P>I am a BS who has been posting here for quite some time now. Recently, I have found myself strongly attracted to someone I work with. I have tried to fight these feelings, but aparently without much success.<P>This person has been a friend to me in my struggles with my spouses infidelity and has been a shoulder to cry on and a sounding board for when I am confused. This past week, I made the mistake of mis-interpreting something they said, and I ended up telling them what I felt for them.<P>I know this was a major mistake. I truly wish I could undo this mistake, but it's too late for that now. This friend was very shocked by my revelation, and basically spurned my advance (thank GOD). I am deeply embarassed by the whole situation, which is why I am posting this under an assumed name.<P>I do expect to be blasted for this by everyone here. But more importantly, I need your help. I will not tell my spouse about this incident, so that suggestion will be ignored, but how to I get this out of my system? How to I get myself back on the right track of working to rebuild my shattered marriage without causing harm on my own?<P>PLEASE HELP ! ! ! !

I hope you don't beat yourself up over this. If someone were to give me a hug now, I'd melt. As a BS, you get vulnerable. I'm sure that is normal. Luckily, your advance wasn't reciprocated, so be thankful.<P>The feelings of being embarressed will pass. I would just suggest not using this person as a sounding board anymore. Talk to someone else. As for getting the feelings our of your system, I think that can only come by not continuing to rack up units by talking to this person.<P>Good luck, but don't be too hard on yourself. Alot worse things can happen. We all do things we regret. This will pass.

I won't blast you, I think almost any BS finds themselves vunerable to any kind of affection/ateention someone shows us after the affair is discovered. I think it is because being betrayed makes us feel some less than good enough, BUT I will say no more discussing the problems in your marriage with anyone of the ooposite sex, That is a huge no no , it's one thing on an open board, where we all can help keep one another accountable , but face to face ? Nope don't do it.<P>How do you get over it ? By looking at it as something that happened to help open your eyes. And by putting your efforts into spending time with your spouse (if possible, don't know if WS is home or not) and talking with him/her as much as possible communication does build bonds.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Deb<P>Hepatitis C, Please educate yourself ! <A HREF="http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In" TARGET=_blank>http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In</A> memory of a very dear friend <A HREF="http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp" TARGET=_blank>http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp</A>

Hmm taking it from my view, yeah I agree...if you want to discuss your marriage do it with someone of the same sex. I know you may want insight from the opposite sex, but that's what forums are there for. <BR>However if you do decide that you have had enough and start looking for someone new, never ever ever go for sympathy, it's not who you are and it's something you should resolve before getting into another relationship.<BR>

Rick37, <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Luckily, your advance wasn't reciprocated, so be thankful.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I am thankful, believe me. If my advance had been returned .....<P>The thought scares the heck out me.<P>Bozos_ Deb, Thank you for not blasting me. You are one of the "old timers" whose advice I have always valued.<P>As for spending time with my spouse, I do frequently, and in many ways our marriage is stronger than ever. Sure we still have work to do, but all in all we are doing surprisingly well. Thants why this latest incident has me so worried.<P>How could I have gone through so much, and then turn around and open myself up to being in the same place my WS was in? It's scary.<P>Mid, <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>if you do decide that you have had enough and start looking for someone new . . .<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> I don't think I was consciencely looking to do this. In fact I was a bit surprised when I told this person what I did. It sort of shocked me even as I was saying it. Sounds confusing I know.<P>Thanks you all for the advice so far. I am looking forward to reading more.

What Now,<P>I agree with the other posters here. However, I would like for you to think about something else. You now know how easy it is to become emotionally attached. Someone above mentioned that you should never share you emotional issues with someone of the opposite sex. I agree EXCEPT in the case of your spouse.<P>Since I don't know your situation as you are incognito, I will assume that you are in recovery. If that is the case you need to consider the issue of honesty with your spouse. This is the one person where confiding in someone of the opposite sex is not only allowed be encouraged.<P>So think about talking to your spouse about your weakness right now and how you need their help.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

I know, all too well, those feelings of vulnerability. I have recently started a new job in the last 6 months, and it has brought me into contact with a number of very atractive men. Now before the affair, sure, I would have noticed how gifted these men were, but I wouldn't have had any further thoughts one way or the other.Now I find myself easily thinking further. It's disturbing.I often wonder now,if I will always be more vulnerable to these kinds of feelings since I have experienced betrayal by my H.So Now What, you took the next step and expressed your attraction. I don't think you'll find anyone here ready to cast the first stone.<P>H and I are well advanced into a wonderful recovery. I love my H. I would never want to hurt my H. I seek no revenge. It was difficult to tell me H I had these feelings and that I was finding myself vulverable. He understood. The conversations that resulted have been a part of what has helped us to build a stronger and better marriage than we had before. I don't know where you are in your journey through all of this, but if you are in recovery, do tell your H.<P>When you mentioned your feelings of embarrassement, I cringed inside imagining how I would feel. I thought what would I do to dispel the feelings of uneasiness that might have resulted between me and my friend.<BR> I thought I might apologize and say how wrong I had been, and that I realized that my mistake resulted from what I have been dealing with in my marriage, and that I am thankful that my friend, is friend enough, to have put me in my rightful place.<P>In your post you "thank God" that your revelation was spurned by your friend. From that, I am going to assume that you are a believer.The only advise I have in addition to the wonderful advise you've been given by the other posters here, is, to stay in prayer when you find yourself having these kinds of feelings.The Lord will never leave you or forsake you. God's blessings to you and H<BR>

what now,<BR>If you are an oldtimer, you know I've been through this.<P>You said: "I will not tell my spouse about this incident, so that suggestion will be ignored, but how to I get this out of my system?"<P>Well, darn, having been in your shoes, and several steps farther, since the guy was pleased & enthusiastic, not shocked & spurning...I'm going to say it anyway. <P>For me not giving you this advice would be like saying it is ok for a WS to continue contact...bad advice!<P>In my opinion, that's the best diffusion for the situation. If you don't tell, you aren't accountable, and more than likely, unless you have a really good grip on yourself, which your "surprise at your actions" leads me to believe you do not, you'll take the next step...if not with this guy, someone else.<P>Did you think it is easy for a WS to be honest? Nope. How many times have you seen betrayed spouses saying "if only they had told me when they started to have those feelings"? The dishonesty begins pretty much right where you are.<P>Ignore me at will, but I had to say it. <P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8

I don't think there is anyone much more vulnerable to and affair than the bw who has had everything their world turned upside down by the one person who should be most loyal to them. Your ego has been shot to H### and stomped on, and finally someone you respect and admire seems to appreciate and care about you. I'm glad that the person you were attracted to was in fact someone of such character that they did not encourage you.<P>Sometimes I have thought that my h would benefit greatly by my becoming involved in an ea just so he would STOP TAKING MY LOYALTY FOR GRANTED!!!!!! Unfortunatley, he's right and I would never do it.<P>I think you should at least tell your spouse that you were tempted - and when you get down to it that's really all it seems to have been. It could help him/her empathize. It could even relieve some guilt if that's been a problem. I hope it helps your spouse appreciate what a precious and cherished thing a good relationship is.

what now,<P>I won't blast you. Everyone can be vulnerable given the right set of circumstances.<P>You may ignore me , but I do agree with some of the others on this board that you really should seek out and get the support you need from your spouse. This is what makes a marriage healthy and strong.<P>My wife went through feelings of attraction towards another man at work. She tried hard to fight these feelings, and was fearful of telling me. It ended up becoming an affair.<P>I wish every day that she would have had the courage to come to me before it happened. I feel like I could have helped her (and us) avoid the pain and misery that has ensued.<P>Sometimes the greatest source of strength you can have is the person you come home to. I think sometimes it's easy to forget that. <P>I think your question about getting yourself back on the right track cannot fully occur until you are open and honest with your spouse about all of your weaknesses. Remember, marriage is a partnership. It's sharing. It's a life-long journey.<P>Ask yourself, if your spouse was ever subjected to this situation, wouldn't you hope that he/she came to you?<P>I wouldn't be angry. I would be grateful. It would make me love her so much more. <P>-HD

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by what now:<BR><B> <BR> I have tried to fight these feelings, but aparently without much success.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This is why you need the back up/quality control/reality check/deterrant effect of sharing this with your spouse!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B> I will not tell my spouse about this incident, so that suggestion will be ignored</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Why? What are you afraid of? What do you think will happen. Is it physical abuse? Abuse of another kind? Negativity towards the friend? (After that friend rejects you?! I don't think so.) Fear your spouse will go out and "up the ante" with another A? Are you afraid you will be knocked off the moral or loyalty pedestal you think your spouse has you on? What is it?<P>Or do you want to keep your OP a secret from your spouse so you can keep your options open? Seeing what may develop? Secretly hoping something will develop? <P>I can guarentee you, if you keep going this route, it will eventually. <P>These are strong feelings you are dealing with. All your "OP" needs to do is stop resisting and you're done for.<P>Dr. Harley specifically says to prevent an affair (if you are vulnerable, and yes, we BS's are!) you need to tell your spouse of any attraction towards another person. Do you think you are somehow excempt or above this rule? <P>Your spouse is your partner, hopefully your best friend. Your recovery depends on honesty on your part, too, not just your WS!<P>So could you tell us your reason why you refuse to do this?<P>Aloha,<P>L<P>P.S. BTW, been there, done that--told my H about this male masseuse I <I>use</I> to go to who told me he had fallen in love with me. (Never attracted to him until he poured out his heart to me--only <B>then</B> did he start to make my knees go weak!) It was one of the most intimate discussions my H and I ever had. My H needed to see my weaknesses, too. And then he gave me his strength in how to deal with it. So I identify with the "pedestal-knocking" fear.<P>And my H does all my bodywork now.

Dear What now,<P> You don't me & I certainly don't know you because I am new here so to speak, but just a little insight on my part I am the one who had the A with the OM & my husband became very popular with other women in general just as friends so I assume I guess the pain & hurt turned him to other women for support because his EN weren't being met by me & then I hurt him by having an A. <P>But I think why I had an affair is because of my low self-esteem & my EN weren't being met by him. I would just say think of how you felt when your wife hurt you would you like her to feel the same as you did??? I don't if my insight would help but I thought I would post !!!! And remember Take care & be strong !!!!<P>------------------<BR>Tamai

What Now<BR>I am so glad I read your post, I just posted a new post almost the same, the OM is my ex-husband. I know all too well the feelings of what you are going through. I had told my H a few weeks ago that I was feeling drawn to my ex. He was not overly concerned, figured I had had my ex for over twenty years why would I want him now. I am reluctant to bring it up again, all of the things that were posted are the reasons. "this is diferent" (isn't it?). After all he is my ex, not a stranger, and my H is the one that had an A. I find my self rationalzing it and it makes me sick. My God how does our lives run amuck so easily. My H is also being wonderful now. I try not to use my ex as a sounding board, as I just try to stick to talking of our sons. Once in a while he will find me when I am feeling down and will weasle his way into a discussion of our past history. Of how much he loves me etc.etc. etc. I am afraid he is making more love deposits then my H is right now. As my H feels that he is the most wonderful man in the world, except for the A which he reasons was caused by his childhood.(which it was but that doesn't lessen the pain to me). So I will stay atop of this post for all of the good advice that anyone offers. My heart goes out to you. Jenni

It's an easy trap to fall into, so don't beat yourself up too badly. I don't think that anybody is totally immune to attention from a member of the opposite sex, especially when you're not feeling to hot in your own relationship. You are a BS, you have a member of the opposite sex who is understanding and listens to you...it's a textbook case!<P>There are 400 engineers where I work...I am one of 17 women who work there. Are there guys here who I could be attracted to - absolutely!!! And I stay the hell away from them! I will go ahead and admit (for the sake of helping out) that I am kind of in the same boat, except it's our new UPS guy who I've gotten a couple of flutters over. I'm a receptionist, so I can't exactly avoid him. So I keep it simple - I realize that I could get into trouble, so I do the best I can to stop it before it begins. And yes, I did tell my H about it, and bless his heart, he says, "I trust you, I'm not worried about it." As long as it hasn't progressed to an A, I would imagine that most spouses would be understanding and grateful for the information.

Hope this works. <P>Click here<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5024" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5024</A> qa.html<P>and<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagbuilders.com/graphic/mbi5059" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagbuilders.com/graphic/mbi5059</A> qa.html<P>It doesn't look as if it will work, so, look at Harley's articles on How Affairs Begin and How to Avoid an Affairs from his Questiona and Answer pages.<P>He says once you tell an OP your feelings, even if the feelings were never reciprocal, you've now planted a seed and that op is probably reexamining their own relationsip or marriage if they are in one. You could be in big trouble if you are not already.<P>You need to tell your spouse.<P>Remember the Rule of Honesty goes both ways. You are not respecting it if you disregard it.<P>Good luck and God bless.<P>L <P><BR>