Hi,<BR>I will continue to post things because I really believe some of this information is helping me. I am the one who cheated on my wife twice, and three times before we were engaged but still dating. When I confessed about these times and about some other things I did but was not proud of, I still did not tell her the entire truth. The main thing was that when she asked me about the three women before we were married (these occured about 13 years ago) she asked if I used protection when I was with them. I guess I didn't expect that question and told her yes, when in fact I did not use any. Well I told her that I again lied to her when she asked me that question and told her the truth yesterday, that I did not use any. The other thing was that the first time I cheated on her while we were married was with a woman I picked up off the street and paid money for oral sex. Basically this situation was that I went to an area and looked for a prostitute and got what I wanted. I remember back now how I felt when that happened and how I vowed to never to it again(I have not ever did it again). I told her about this when I first confessed, but tried to make it sound not as bad as it was. I told her I was out with some guys and just picked up a girl after I left a bar and paid her for the service. Yesterday, I made it clear to her that I went out looking for someone on the street and paid for it, and I don't know why. Lastly, she confronted me about looking at amature nude web sites on the Internet. I admitted to this, how could I lie, I was doing it. She then confronted me about some chat rooms and an alternate e-mail site, where I actually posted a personal ad aout six months ago. I went to the chat rooms recently to chat, but when confronted told her I went there to get my name off the list. Then she asked why I went to the personal ad area of the e-mail site and I told her I went there to see if my ad was still there (that was the truth) She then asked why I went to the area of women seeking men. I told her I was looking there because that is where I usually went when I was in that area. I told her I wanted to see if my ad was anywhere on the site(which was true) She then asked "did you maybe jsut go in there and look around a little?" I told her no, but in fact I did look at one post. I did not mean anything by it, just looked at it because it was there. I don't even recall reading it or what it said. It was one of many ads on the page that comes up when you go to the site as they list several ads on a page. Anyway, she was saying a couple weeks ago that she believed about 50% of what I had told her but felt there was more. Now, I feel that everything I tell her will lose substance because I lied to her after telling her I told her everythign and would not lie to her again. She now tells me she believes about 30% of what I say. I continually try to go over and over and over things in my mind, almost it seems, trying to manufacture things to make them worse. I know I need to start moving forward, but I am afraid there is some stone unturned, (even though I know there is not) that I will think of at a later time. Things that should not even have any bearing on this situation, from before we were engaged come to mind sometimes. Do I have to tell her everything I ever think of again? My question today is......I have tried to make a promise to myself and to her to be honest, and then I went and lied when I was telling her about the things I confessed to because I know it would hurt worse. Like she told me last night, "You shouldn't be afraid to tell me anything anymore, but I wonder what you will come up with next." She has said that she will try to make this work, but everyday when things like this happen, it makes it tougher and tougher for her to dig out of the hole I created. She wants me to make a list of how I am going to change, which I am thinking about what to put on right now. My dilema is Am I a liar?, do I lie about everything? Can I change? I think I can. Why would I lie to her after I had already told her the worst of the worst? I can never imagine life without her, and I know there is only a slim chance this will work, but at least there is a chance. I am trying to take one day at a time now, and I can say that for things that have happened recently, not things from years ago, I have not lied about. Is that a start?

You seem to look for trouble, then lie to avoid blame and hurting others. To solve this first off you need to resist doing things you shouldn't be doing. Then there is no need to lie about them. Honesty is telling all needed infoso she can understand event, not all extra details need be told. Do not with hold needed info. If she needs to know more she will ask, answer truthfully.If there are things you need to get off site..etc., tell your wife what you want to do. Include her in the process of becoming a better person. come up with ideas of how to solve this ploblem, but ask for her help. She sounds understanding and like she would help you. If she helps she most likely will feel closer to you, needed, wanted. You will most likely learn to trust her and open up to her. You are both going to learn alot.<P>Think ahead about telling her whole truth with all you are doing, if you think she would be hurt by whole truth you shouldn't be doing it.<P>I have to deal with some of my own issues with honesty.

There is nothing harder to do then trust someone who keeps lying. One lie is one thing but when you continue to destroy trust it becomes significantly harder to earn. The truth has never hurt anyone.... The action behind the truth does... If you can become and honest person you can be trusted because if you are honest you cannot do destructive things without hurting your spouse. The only way to be trusted is be honest. Any lies no matter how small will destroy any trust. Seems pretty simple to me. Quit lying, quit doing things that will hurt her and "poof" trust will begin to come back. Had you told her you wanted to go to the web site and make sure all was gone and even had her with you when you did it you could have begun rebuilding trust... You would have showed concern for her by telling her you were doing it and also that you didn't have anything to hide... Seems very simple... Just my thoughts... Crick

Opdam,<P> One other thing, the title says "can I change?" Answer is unquestionably anyone can change... Question is do you want to? You can't stop an alcoholic from drinking. They have to recognize the problem first and then do something about it. You can't make a liar quit lying. They first have to recognize the problem and then want to fix it.... Just remember it's your option to change... It's her option to stay with you You continue down the dark road and you'll soon find yourself alone... If you don't want that then you better want to change and begin doing it. Crick

Do you habitually lie, hide the truth or exagerate, in your daily life?<P>Why do you want to change? In order to save your marriage or because as you look at your past thoughts, words and actions, you find that they are inconsitant or incongruent with your faith, beliefs and values?<P>Please define the man you want to become. What are his values? What does he believe? How does he act? How does he sound? What are his priorities?<P>Real change will only be sustained if YOU want to change for yourself. Do you?

I want to change because the person I was makes me ill. My past thoughts, words, and actions are inconsistent with my beliefs. I want to change to save my marriage, and to save myself, because this is not the person I want to be.<P>The man I want to become is one who is dedicated to his family (wife & children) I want to be a man with values which I would want my children to see, not some of the values I had. My priorities now are to try and make a new life with my family while sticking to my new values. The things that I have done in the past are just that, in the past. I have began to start down a new road, and I feel that I can become a better person. <BR>I hope to sit down with my wife and discuss my future plan on how I am going to change my life, and how I am going to be a better person to my family. <BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by FaithHopeLove:<BR><B>Do you habitually lie, hide the truth or exagerate, in your daily life?<P>Why do you want to change? In order to save your marriage or because as you look at your past thoughts, words and actions, you find that they are inconsitant or incongruent with your faith, beliefs and values?<P>Please define the man you want to become. What are his values? What does he believe? How does he act? How does he sound? What are his priorities?<P>Real change will only be sustained if YOU want to change for yourself. Do you?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

It takes a great deal of courage to look in the mirror as you are doing!<P>Don't be surprised if your wife is skeptical at first, keep changing anyway. She sounds like a wonderful woman.<P>She has a lot of grieving and healing to do and although you may have caused it, you can not heal her hurts.<P>The best thing you can do is be the man you envision for yourself and for your wife.<P>I believe any efforts will be blessed!<P>By the way, you mentioned you were Catholic. Do you have a parish? Attending mass and being involved in your parish can help you keep Spiritually centered as a family.<P>

Opdam, my suggestion would be that you print out a copy of your last message and show it to your wife, telling her that you posted it publicly. I thought you wrote eloquently and sincerely, and probably couldn't say it much better. Perhaps seeing it spelled out like that will influence her in a positive way.