We had a long talk yesterday. She told me she's at the end of her rope and can't hold on. She said the only reason she's still here is because of our girls. She said she doesn't have anything left to give. After much talking, she agreed to read SAA, but that would be her last attempt at our marriage. Then she took it a step further.<P>She asked me to start sleeping on the couch. She says she's uncomfortable sleeping in the same bed with me. At first I told her I wouldn't. Then she said, "then I will." She has bad problems with her hips and I know that if she sleeps on the couch, she'll be in a lot of pain the next morning. I don't want that to happen to her. So, I agreed to sleep on the couch.<P>Oh my goodness did that feel bad. I felt hurt, disrespected, shunned, angry, sad. I also didn't sleep well. We've always agreed since the day we got married that neither of us would ever make that request of the other. We're married, and no matter how angry we might be at each other, we end the day in the same bed. I've never physically hurt her. I've never tried to force sex on her. I could understand her request if I had ever physically threatened her. Maybe that's why it hurts so much. I don't deserve a request that would be appropriate for a wife beater.<P>So, I want to return to our bed. But if I do, it may be a disrespectful judgement (I don't want to do that either). Am I over reacting? If I tell her I plan to sleep in our bed, she may withdraw even further (I really don't want that)! If I stay on the couch I'm not being fair to me. I can deal with not being fair to me, but this goes pretty deep for me. It just feels sick and wrong.<P>What do y'all think. Above all, I want to love and support my wife. But how do I tell her in a loving and respectful way that I don't want to do this? I'm willing to find other solutions to her discomfort. But I <B>really</B> don't want to sleep in different places.<P>Help!<P>------------------<BR>Bill<BR>~~~~<BR>Remember the truth that once was spoken, "To love another person is to see the face of God."<P>[This message has been edited by wld (edited January 22, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by wld (edited January 22, 2001).]

Dear Bill,<P>You can catch most of my thoughts in my reply to your other post. <P>But about this painful request - did you tell your wife exactly what you told us? You were very articulate.<P>And have you asked her why she doesn't want to sleep in the same bed? What it means to her? What she feels like when you are together?<P>StillTrying

Still,<P>I have not said to her what I posted here, but as I was writing it, I realized that I should. The only reason she gives me for her request is that she feels "uncomfortable," and that she shouldn't have to feel that way. And I agree, she shouldn't. That's why I'm willing to explore other options to help minimize her discomfort. I'll ask her for more detail but, aside from yesterday, details have been scarce.<P>One concern I have is that she may feel she's being unfaithful to the OM by sleeping in the same bed as me. I don't know this. He may be nothing more than a support person for her. But I just don't know. She says he's just a friend, but her actions don't say that at all. She seems to spend many hours a week talking to him (although I spend a lot of time here for support) and she spent the holiday weekend with him. I know I'm just making assumtions here, but I don't know the whole story, so I can't base my opinions on the truth. I simply don't know what the truth is. So, I think the best thing I can do is put those other possibilities out of my head. My reasons for not wanting to sleep on the couch (or have her on the couch) are based on my feelings about <I>us</I>. Not my concerns about him (even though I can't deny that I have concerns about him).<P>As for your other post, I haven't slept well for over a month. I am frightened by divorce and it was awful talking about it in real terms. As for what I would miss? Her eyes, her smile, her hugs. She can hug like nobody's business. I'd miss so much. She's a beautiful, wonderful woman with so much to give and so much talent. I would remember her in a million ways. Her life is such a huge part of me and the things we own. I'd remember her every time I sit on our couch, the one she hates and has wanted to get rid of for ever, but I like it too much to listen to her and give her what she wanted.<P>I think we will always be great parents together. It won't be easy at first, but I'm learning so much here and from Harley's books, that even if our relationship ends, I'll able to handle a lot of things in my life better that I ever have. I've been a real [censored], and I'm not willing or able to be that anymore.<P>As for what I think she's feeling right now, I think confusion is one thing. I know she want's the best for all of us, but doesn't see how I could provide that. She's been trying for so long that she can't see the changes I've made. Yesterday she listed some of the things I've done wrong. I listened and agreed that I was wrong. Six months ago I would have dropped into a very defensive posture and told her why <I>she</I> was wrong. <P>She was a stay-at-home mom. but went back to work a couple of years ago. It has been good for her. She's such a wonderful and driven "worker" and she rightfully gets a lot of pride out of her work.<P>Thanks again. I'd still love to hear some thoughts about dealing with the couch problem from everyone!<P>------------------<BR>Bill<BR>~~~~<BR>Remember the truth that once was spoken, "To love another person is to see the face of God."

wld,<P>I was a betrayed spouse. I know how uncomfortable it is to sleep in the same bed with your spouse when they are involved with OP. But, we still slept in the same bed. There wasn't any physical touching...we just slept in the same bed...unfortunately, with our backs towards each other, while I silently cried my eyes out. That was almost 2 years ago and the affair is beginning to be a blur in my mind...something to be filed in the back of my head.<P>What I'm trying to say is, stay in the same bed as your wife. As things get better, as I'm hoping that they will, maybe she'll reach out and touch you, and you'll be right there. It does seem ackward (sp?) at first, but the more you stay physically apart, the harder it will be to become comfortably physical, when it's needed (like a hug, etc.). I don't know if this made any sense. I hope it does.<P>It's your bed too. You didn't make that decision to find someone else. Why should you leave your own bed?<P>As far as her making that list about what you did wrong in the marriage...I think that she made this list to justify the reason why she had the affair...to say, "See what caused me to have this affair?" Don't let this list justify anything. DO NOT accept the blame for her affair!<P>Okay, so there were problems on both your parts, but it isn't an excuse for having an affair.<P>You take that list and you do things to improve yourself...you don't go outside of the marriage and look for a better prospect (the grass isn't greener on the other side anyway)!<P>Tell her that you understand that you contributed to the demise of the marriage, but now you have the tools to improve yourself and improve the marriage.<P>Ask her to give you that chance. Do Plan A and prove to her, the changes that you have made within yourself.<P>p.s. Your wife sounds like she is being thick-headed, as wayward spouses usually are, when they are immersed in that fog.