Yesterday we talked for a few hours. She told me that she's got nothing left to give. She said she'd read "Surviving an Affair" but that this would be her last attempt at "trying." I love my wife and my family. I don't want to loose her. I'm really scared. I started out OK today, but now I feel like I'm panicking, out of control. I can't imagine loosing her. I love her and I know how to make it a good marriage, but I thinks she's set on leaving.<P>------------------<BR>Bill<BR>~~~~<BR>Remember the truth that once was spoken, "To love another person is to see the face of God."

Bill - I'm in the same spot - at least yours is reading SAA. I don't have the solution, but unless you're already on anti-deps, please see a doc about it.<P>When you say leaving, do you mean separating? If so, make sure she's the one to leave and not you and then relax a bit. A separation is not a divorce. You can still Plan A for a long time. She will find that it's not what she expected, but it may take a while. Get on some meds and then stand tall on the moral high ground. You can still win.<P>WAT

Leaving in this case is divorce. If she asks for that I suppose I could at that point suggest seperation, but that seems almost as painful to me, although not quite the end. All I know is that I'm willing to do what ever it takes to save my marriage. I love her and don't want to loose her and don't want her to hurt anymore. I want to give her the most beautiful, happy life. And I know we can do that, if only she'd try.<P>------------------<BR>Bill<BR>~~~~<BR>Remember the truth that once was spoken, "To love another person is to see the face of God."

Bill - I'm with you all the way. You mentioned "family" - do you have kids? Where are you - in most U.S. states there's a mandatory separation period prior to divorce if you have minor children. In my state, Maryland, it's one year. A lot can happen in a year.<P>WAT

We're in Arizona and we have 2 kids (5 and 7 yrs). I don't think there's any manditory waiting period here.<P>And by the way, thanks for your thoughts and support.

I'd suggest talking to an attorney, or look on the internet for info on waiting period. Or, ask on the forum. But in any event, they don't happen overnight. You can Plan A for a long time, and then Plan B. This is really only the beginning, if you want your marriage.<P>You need to hang on for a rough ride, and take care of yourself. You can't suddenly change her mind about this, but you can show her what you are telling us. You do that via Plan A.<P>The reality thing is hard to swallow, but you'll be OK again many times, only to suddenly look at reality again and become panicked once more. It goes in cycles. Post here when you are at the worst, because you know it helps.

Hey WLD,<BR>It seems that you and I are in the same boat. Doesn't it seem that all of these WS have read the same script. It sucks and I'm finding out that it is a lot easier said than done in terms of hanging in there. My wife has been out of the house for a little over a week and with 2 kids it is very hard. She keeps saying that she wants a divorce and that she is 100% sure that there is no hope for our relationship except to co-parent. <P>It hurts to think that someone can throw away a long term relationship without even trying. Although she says she tried, but won't go see a councilor. Go figure the rational???<P>Hang in there...I feel exactly the way you do. I know what I did wrong and how to fix it. She just needs to give me a chance. Whether that will happen???? Who knows, but I'm going to try like hell!<BR>Mike

Mike,<P>I'm not really having trouble "hanging in there" if what you mean by that is committing to working on this. I know that if we work together, we're going to have an awesome relationship. I am having trouble with my everyday emotions. The mood swings are phenomenal and cr-ppy!<P>As far as her trying, my W also says she's been trying for years, and she has. So have I. Our problem is that we haven't used the tools we've been given to their fullest extent, and maybe they've been the wrong tools. The stuff I've learned here as made a bigger difference to me than anything else I've read/learned. Another big problem has been my reluctance to take a long hard look at myself. I've been blaming her for most of our troubles for too long.<P>But this site and Harley's books really have made a big difference for me. We had a long talk the other day during which she pointed out many of my faults (or issues/problems she had with me). A few months ago I would have gotten defensive and told her why her perspective was wrong. I could feel myself trying to slip into that pattern during our conversation. In fact I think I did just a little, once or twice. But for the most part I just listened and learned. I accepted responsibility for the things she was bringing up. And ya know what? It made a huge difference. I felt better because I learned so much about myself and about her needs. She felt better at the end of the conversation because she was able to get a lot off her chest to a guy who really listened to her and accepted her feelings and opinions with love and respect (that would be me ).<P>I understand your frustration about your W not wanting to go to a counselor. My W is seeing a great counselor. In fact her counselor has asked her to bring me along several times, but my W says she's not ready for that. Yes...very frustrating.<P>Thanks for the support Mike. And good luck.<P>------------------<BR>Bill<BR>~~~~<BR>Remember the truth that once was spoken, "To love another person is to see the face of God."