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Joined: Oct 2000
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Help, my H and I are into our 6th month of recovery. My son joined the marines about five weeks ago and so my ex and I have been emailing information that my son relays to each of us. Well his emails have gotten more and more frequent and are getting off of the subject of our son. He im's me when I am online, and he knows me all too well. (we were married for over twenty years). <P>I have told my H about this as honestly as I can. I have told him that I need to be able to talk, and he thinks that I talk too much, unfortunatly my ex does not mind at all talking to me. I am truly trying to follow all of the rules, I just feel so drawn to him and I think it is only because he doesn't scare me as much as my H does, ie; the ability to hurt me like H did with the A. H is being wonderful except for the conversation part, in which I have explained a million times that I just need to be able to talk things out. H feels a lot of guilt and wants to forget things. <P>He is not threatened by my ex, as he feels so superior to him because I left him after twenty years and this H treats me better? Or so he thinks. My first marriage had it's problems but... I now realize that a lot of those problems were the way we both handled things. My ex now feels the need to talk of our marriage and how we could have fixed things, he does the things now that I wanted back then, and has made it clear that he still loves me and the door is open. He has recently started signing his emails Love ___<P><BR>We are planning on flying out to Ca in six weeks to see my son graduate from Boot. My H is planning on going with me my ex is going alone. I don't want to be mean to my ex, as I have a lot of guilt in retrospect of the way our marriage ended. I really dont' know where my loyalties lie anymore, he is unaware of my H's A. I try not to share personal info with ex. <P>I am at my wits end. Please Please help me with this. My ex has said that we will always be H and W no matter that I have remarried. My current H says he will stomp my ex's a** if he doesnt' get the message. Now He Cares!!!. Jenni

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>My ex has said that we will always be H and W no matter that I have remarried.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I may get flamed for this, but I agree completely with this statement. A marriage that is the result of an affair will never be valid.

Joined: Sep 2000
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Jenni<P>I have read your post and although our situations are not similar, I feel that I can imagine the turmoil that you are in.<P>You are almost faced with the Ultimate Dilemma, in that you have been both the WS and the BS. As you know the goal of every BS on this Board is to ultimately "win back" the love of their WS. To your ex-husband you are the WS and you now find yourself open to the possibility of emotionally returning to him.<P>For him that would be a dream come true but you are rightly wrestling with your conscience on whether it is something to resist. In true MB style you would naturally feel that you should resist your ex-husband as he is now effectively a potential OM. But this situation is WAY different to a normal A situation. You and your ex have an unbreakable shared history and in some ways your reconciliation with hime could be seen as correcting an earlier mistake.<P>I empathize with your situation and do not feel qualified to advise you one way or the other but can state now that I think you would get a whole lot more support than most WS if you returned to your ex-husband (OM).<P>As I said earlier, for him it would be the realisation of a dream and I am sure he would not make whatever mistakes were made in your previous relationship.<P>It is a real tough one to call, but in this one set of circumstances I think that you would find support and sympathy whatever the choice you made.<P>Best Wishes<P><BR>HarryHat

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Ok, I am ready for the fire that I will probably get. Here goes nothing. Nellie, you are right, I had an A. I was seperated from my H at the time, In my defense if there is such a thing. I told my current H when we met that I was not interested, didn't want anything to do with him, I was married. Period. He persued me for almost two months. I moved out of my home, into an apt. I knew he was married, didn't want anything with him, still he persued me. We begin talking, only talking, He filed for divorce, I had never met his wife, didn't care to. was not in love with him. When the PA started I knew then that I was going against every thing I had ever believed in. I refused to have anything to do with him. I wanted so badly to feel loved. Our past were so simular, we were such good friends. I wanted to believe him, so much so that I ignored every red flag that flew up. Right. Hardly. Human I guess so. I live with guilt daily and believe that his A and all of his lies to me are my punishment. I have made my bed and trust me I lie in it nightly. His ex-wife is very happily married to a man that treats her well, with two additional children by him. I am very happy for her and she is very happy I have the problems of her ex, my now current H. Will I go back to my ex, no I don't think I will. Our marriage was not a good one, he drinks all of the time and I raised my two boys alone. He wouldn't touch me for months on end, would not talk with me, would sit at the computer and play with other women while I cried myself to sleep. I was starved for anything that resembled love. I screwed up. Yes I am aware of that. I have payed for my sins. Over and over again. If I choose to live without my H I will live by myself. For over twenty years I lived in a marriage that was not very nice. Excuses I don't think so. But feel free to flame away. Jenni

Joined: Jun 2000
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Oldtimer responding. No flames here. Just want to offer some cyber hugs. I understand that you are in a difficult position and sympathize with your situation.<P>Your ex is now the OM. Please try to maintain a "business-like" relationship, in regards to your son.<P>As for your current marriage, communicate your concerns with your H, Plan A, figure out what both of your EN's are, follow the POJA.

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Well HarryHat, and Survivor thank you for your advice, and for not burning me alive. I talked again with my ex tonight on the computer, about flight times, then I talked with my H. He tells me that I am bringing this on myself. That he has changed and now I have the chance of happiness, and that I am fantasizing of things that can not be with my ex. He is probably right. I don't know which is worse his A or our beginning. His guilt or my guilt. I have both telling me the same thing, just opposite ends of the spectrum. Thanks for letting me at least vent. <P>Nellie, do not think for one second that I don't understand your opinion. I have been on the recieving end of an A. numerous times. I really didn't look at my H and I as an affair. I could only see a chance to be loved. Nothing quite so blind as those who refuse to see. <BR>Jenni


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