This is something that has really concerned me also. If someone who is a regular poster here wants advice without revealing their username, why not just reregister under a new name without advertising that they are using an alias? When someone does this, they are basically telling the other regulars here that they don't really trust them, or at least it seems that way to me.<P>The regular who posted about the threesome was understandably embarrassed. It would be kind of hard to illicit sympathy about your husband's adultery after admitting that you participated in it. So why did they even reveal that they were a regular? I doubt that there are very many regulars who don't have a good idea who it is anyway. That made no sense to me.<P>My own husband posted on this site under another name once, because he asked for advice about how to tell me something I didn't already know. BUT he didn't make a big deal out of "I'm somebody you know but I don't want you to know it". He just asked for advice, got it, and used it (thank goodness). I wish anyone else who feels the need would do the same, then we wouldn't KNOW the person was trying to hide and it would be no big deal.<P>As always, just my opinion. <P>Peppermint

Peppermint - I thought that I had addressed that in my two posts (for myself, anyway). I have thought about changing my ID permanently, but like Lor said, I don't want to have to do the newbie thing all over again. I posted under another name for my own protection - it had absolutely NOTHING to do with you guys. And I'd HOPED y'all would know it was me writing, I just didn't want anybody on the homefront knowing.<P>And for the record, no, I am not "What Now" (although I have been in that boat before), nor am I the threesome gal. Hell, I'm lucky if I get a "twosome" anymore, let alone three! Besides, if I were to go there, I would have better taste in women than my H (Cows and Ankle Biters just don't do it for me!) My post goes back a couple of months.

Pep, I think WN and ATFYG were so horrified and embarrassed and "hurting" in a sense--they felt a need to confess but also wanted the reassurance of knowing they were still supported by their friends. <P>So I suppose the difference was FS wasn't feeling desperate or didn't need to have that reassurance. He dashed in, got it what he wanted, and dashed out. He went one item shopping.<P>These "secretive" people cannot believe their own actions, <B>because</B> of all we have learned here and gone thru together. So in a way, they are subtley telling us (maybe subconciously) that if this could happen to them, it could happen to us. We're from the origin="oldtimers". <P>If they posted under a new name and didn't reveal they were oldtimers, that message would be lost. <P>Ouch, my brain hurts. Enough introspection for me today!

Dave,<P>I don't know. The excerpt you put up there has me cringing! It looks like I was shrieking but that was not the tone I was going for! <P>I honestly wanted to know what they thought they had to lose and if that thinking was based in reality. A foundation to work from. <P>But have you noticed the thread is "dead". I think I killed it. If you're lurking, WN--please, let's continue our dialogue. Use Leilana II if you want! <P>One reason I didn't think of till after this post was started was that they have a spouse who goes into this forum or has a situation like CB's.<P>CB--you're a naughty (but hilarious) girl!<P>Aloha,<P>L<P>P.S. Ok, Dave--next "new name" poster is yours!

Dear Leilana,<P>You know I really love you and admire the way that you ALWAYS try to think the best of people. Maybe I am just a cynical, suspicious sort of person. But I don't think that the motives of people who use an alias for an alias are to warn others about the regrets of three-way sex. Hey, maybe I'm wrong.<P>What validity is there to the "I'm someone you know, and I don't want you to know who, but I want to give you some advice and let you all tell me that I am not a bad person" sort of post? Maybe logic simply doesn't apply here, or maybe the whole NoMas thing just left a permanent annoyance within me about this subject.<P>It's really no big deal to me. If something comes up here that I don't like, I try my best to stay away from it. I just posted because I do agree with most of the sentiments expressed on this thread. I don't even mind if you disagree with me! You're still one of my best MB buddies! <P>Peppermint<p>[This message has been edited by peppermint (edited January 25, 2001).]

All I have to say is if two people agreed on everything, then one of y'all isn't necessary. <P>Leilana - Thank you for being so understanding and so sweet! How are things going, BTW? <P>I have to take my entrance exam for the Nursing Program today So, do you enjoy working in the OB area as opposed to where you were? Thomas is loving his job, although he has already had 2 of his patients die on him (I don't know if I could handle that). <P>Anyway, I'll talk to you later!

Pep,<P> <P>CB,<P>Things are beautiful!<P>And good luck on your exams!<P>With your sense of humor, you will make a wonderful nurse!<P>All the positions I have worked have joys and pains. But working with the dying can be as rewarding as helping the "new people" come into this world. <P>But to be able to touch someone and look into their eyes and see the comfort you've done your best to give them -- the pain, the fear, the loneliness you take away as they take their last breath--it's a deeply spiritual experience you'll never regret.<P>But I agree, it's not everybody's cup of tea.<P>And today I helped in the ER--a two year old fell off a 15 foot porch. Wished to God these things did not happen. But I thank God I was given the opportunity to be the one to talk to him, touch him and try to comfort him in a room of machines and strangers and needles and being separated from his mommy. And then going out and hugging that mommy and family who were falling apart and racked with guilt. <P>I think he's going to be ok--and we shipped him to a specialty/neuro hospital. <P>This nursing thing--if you do it from your heart--it gives meaning to life. It gives your life meaning. I don't think I could do anything else.<P>God bless you and your H! <P>

Well now ..... It seems as though I have caused a bit of difference of opinions around here.<P>I allowed my original post to die, because I received information which helped me to make some decisions and to do a little self evaluation.<P>Then I happen to see this post ..... Well, that's OK. Everyone wants to judge. No one has even bothered to ask me why I came here "under cover." I can deal with that.<P>One of the primary reasons why I came her under a different name with this situation is because in the past when I have expressed feelings and or concerns which did not fit the "norm" I was attacked. On those times when I lowered my gaurd and said exactly what I was feeling, I was attacked.<P>And now this post has shown a pretty good attempt at attacking me as well.<P>Thank you. Now I now that maybe it is best if I simply stop coming to this forum.

Whatnow, I don't know you or your story, but if you have felt attacked under 2 separate usernames, perhaps it is your ideas and not you that many posters are "attacking." <P>Don't stop coming, but do try to keep an open mind. Also, I hope that no poster will attack you even if there is vehement disagreement with your thoughts. I also hope that you will feel the difference in disagreement and attack. Stay with us.<P>

What now,<BR>I think my original post was the question "why would someone do this?" and also, how I feel about it. It was not meant as an attack, but just as you want to be able to express your feelings, I expressed mine.<P>So...you want to be asked why you came here under cover (a question I didn't feel was appropriate, but guessed at the reasons I could think of). <P>Here it is: What now, why did you come here under cover, a seasoned MBer, stating you would not listen to advice that you be honest with your spouse? (one of the Harley 4 rules of successful marriages). I guess *that* is what interests me.

WN,<P>Have you read anything past the first few threads? I honestly don't see any attacking on this page. <P>I think in all our posts we start off with a thought and then hash it out till we can all reach a better understanding. I think that is what was done here.<P>Do you feel I attacked you? Well, for goodness sake, then why don't you hit back?! <P> You were not responding to any of the questions that others "even bothered to ask" in your other post--you just kind of dropped off the planet. So what's up with that? <P>And why not just state your facts instead of waiting to be asked the only question you were willing to answer? You were never one of those "plays well with others" kind of kids, were you? <P> BTW, revived your thread, still tried to help you with your crisis.<P>Either way, God bless you, NW.<P>Aloha,<P>L<P> <BR><B>"People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built."</B><BR>-Eleanor Roosevelt<P>Sorry, I got this "quote of the day" thingy and I just can't keep it to myself!<p>[This message has been edited by Leilana (edited January 30, 2001).]

Lor (Lor),<BR>Your post itself was not what disturbed me. In fact I completely agree that you have every right to ask "the question."<P>Leilana,<BR>No you really weren't attacking me, and I do appreciate your input, however there were several others who felt it was more important to add their own jibes rather than ask or consider other possibilities. I was simply trying to avoid any name calling battles here.<P>As for any other comments people would like to make........I was here long before NoMas made their appearance, and NO. I am not them. I intentionally did not bring any details concerning my story into my post, because I did not want inuendos or accusations made that I was trying to "get even" with my spouse.<P>I did something terribly wrong that I was not proud of. In fact I was rather ashamed of my behavior. NO this friend is no longer an issue for me, and until I better understand my own mixed up mind on this, it will do no good to discuss the issue with my spouse. YES I do plan on talking with them, but I think I will do more good for both of us, if I am able to answer the questions about why I did what I did.<P>THAT was reason for my inital post. That is the reason my posts will be coming to a very abrupt end, under any name. I no longer feel the compassion in this place that I once felt.<P>YES I am a bit sensitive right now.<BR>

What now,<BR>The subject of honesty, whether on the part of the WS or the BS or another poster is a hot button for almost everyone. We're all here on this particular board because of infidelity, which rarely exists without lying/dishonesty/misrepresentation.<P>On any given day, there are a bunch of us having a bad day, even if it is nothing to post about. I think it is a miracle that there is so much compassion here. I'm sorry you don't feel it is coming your way, but you did get responses from quite a few posters and that in and of itself shows a level of caring on this board, even for those among us, like you, who occasionally go anonymous.<BR>

Okay, I'm in the dark - who or what is/was the "Nomas" thing?<P>WN - Try not to let it bother you. I think that (most) people mean well, but I also have seen the "moral high horse" mounted a few times, and I think that the personal attacks are crossing the line, especially when you don't really "know" the person.<P>I like the way that Lor and Leilana respond to posts - they <B>listen</B>, they offer a solution in a no nonsense manner, but they <B>don't judge</B>, which for me is the big thing. The advice is given, and we can do what we want with it. When people judge me personally when I come on the board seeking advice for whatever reason, I take offense. But there are more helpful people than there are judgmental people here, so I just stay away from those who feel that they need to bring others down (which are few and far between). I hope that you can do that also, WN.

WN,<P>Glad to hear your plan of action re: your friend. It sounds like an intelligent choice. <P> Unfortunately strong emotions always win over intelligence, vows, family ties, etc..<P> I pray for your continued strength. But more than that, I'm praying that you feel the fear, take the plunge anyway and tell your spouse what is in your heart.<P>When I read those articles I tried to send to you, I was actually looking them up to send to another friend of mine and instantly thought of you. <P>And went uh-oh--your friend may be making the next move and then where will you be?!<P>It's classic in the sense that that is exactly how ex-OW got my H into their A. He had no intention of ever creating an A out of their friendship but once she revealed her strong romantic feelings towards my H, that set the snowball in motion. <P>So your post really hit home with me. <P>Did you get to look at those articles? I'm really hoping you do. You could have written one of them!<P> So, WN--I asked why you won't tell your spouse and you say it's because "it will do no good". <P>Not an answer. Let's try that again. Please look deep inside yourself.<P>Why? <P>What do you fear?<P> I think the honesty issue is what people had more an problem with than any silly new username. But somehow "it" turned into an issue. And it shouldn't have. <P>To not realize the importance of the honesty with your spouse made alot of people crazy and turned them off because it sounded as if you are trying to protect and savor the "pending" EA. <P>Somehow we have gotten way off track here with this username business. It really doesn't amount to a hill of beans. We're all here for one purpose--to survive our affairs and to help eachother out. Hello?!<P>But on the board we come to a dead halt without honesty, NW. So in essence, you just got us just spinning our wheels. There will be nothing we can do or say that will help you. Telling your spouse is the only thing you must do. Nothing else matters. As an oldtimer, surely you can see that. <P>Aloha,<P>L<P><P>------------------<BR><I>No rain, no rainbows</I>