Well kids, this is the pits. After New Years, My online friend and I resumed contact. Of course it escalated from what it had been before. Now, instead of e-mailing and an occasional phone call, it was phone calls every day and online chat nearly every night.<P>The other day she wrote that she loved me. I didn't discourage her feelings. In fact, I came very close to reciprocating the sentiment. I know that I'm not in love with her, but I could have been. At the moment, she's everything my W isn't. We talk, she's fun, funny, for some unknown reason she thinks I'm a pretty cool guy. (Does any of this sound familiar?)<P>Today I told her that I was going to talk to my W tonight. I was going to tell her that I wasn't happy and I wanted a divorce. She immediately decided that she didn't want to be a part of that. So now we're back to no contact, and it's even harder this time.<P>I know that I have to do this in order to be objective about my own marriage. My W has been on her best behavior for the last few months. We have been going through "Questions for the Soul" on her initiative. The answers have been painful at times, for both of us, but that's the way it is right now.<P>The whole time my W was gone I never put myself in a position where I might meet another woman. I thought about it a lot, but was able to stay out of trouble. Once my W came home, and things didn't go well, that's when it got too hard and I went online. I discovered that there's nothing hopelessly wrong with me and that women find me attractive. After the past two plus years, this was quite a revelation. One reason I never filed for divorce when my W was gone was because I simply didn't have the self-confidence that I would be okay.<P>Recovery is going to be so hard, and I'm tired of waiting for her to come around. She has shown signs that she is willing to accept me back into her heart, a couple of which have been significant. So far though, it's more like she doesn't want to be abandoned, rather than any real desire on her part to be with me. Almost like I'm a security blanket she won't give up. (She never did break up with OM, he ended it. She'd still be with him otherwise, I feel sure.)<P>I see so many who are struggling with feelings of indifference about their WS and marriage. I feel the same way. I know a lot of this is because of my EA, but some of it is because it's been so long since I've had a happy relationship with my W.<P>I have a lot of questions, none of which I can think of right now. Sorry for the ramble, just needed to vent a little.<BR>

Idiotguy,<P>You say that your wife has been trying lately and you have been shareing with each other. But now you have a wall up, you will not trust her to really want you for yourself, not just as a security blanket.<BR>Can't you see that you both want the same thing... to be fulfilled and happy in your marrige. Someone needs to open up and take the risk. <P>You have alot of work to do on yourself before you are ready for any new relationship. you say recovery is too hard. What is the other option? To try and escape your feelings by rushing into a new realtionship? Well I beleive that route is doomed to fail. <P>Actually it makes me sort of mad, that you have your wife there, admit there have been positive signs, and now you want to give up. <BR>Now is the time to work harder than ever, your goal is within reach. I wish I had that chance. I know it is hard, I know recovery is work, I have seen how discouraging it can be at times, but are you getting the help you need to really make progress, or are you giving up right at the time it is possible to make progress?<P>I know it is hard to go so long with noone to tell you you are OK, that you are a great guy, to meet your needs. Boy do I know it. You know how vunerable you are to someone who is just nice to you. But continuing a realtionship with someone else is wrong and has just confused you. Decide what it is you really want. A little while ago that was your wife. Talk to her about this first.<BR>Lora

Lora,<P>Thank you. You are absolutely right. I do have to work on my marriage, not just for myself and my W, but for our children. If I can't do it for them, then what do I have?<P>It wasn't long ago that I felt the way you do. I would see people who were separated or in plan b, and they were dating. They would say, "I'm losing love for my WS". No kidding! Now I've become one of those people, and I feel so hypocritical.<P>Thanks again for restoring my perspective and not flaming me.