Hi all - I have an issue with my H hiding things from me, and am trying to understand his point of view.<BR>Brief history: H has had no physical affairs that I know of; he did place an Internet personal ad a few months after we married, looking for someone to engage in cybersex with; evidence that he was looking for a beloved ex-girlfriend on the Internet (he sent several emails out to women with same name, in case one of them might be her), and of course the porn and "female bodybuilder" sites that he occasionally indulges in when I'm not around (yeah, I do look at the computer cache and internet cookies since finding the ad, which I guess makes me a paranoid *itch).<BR>Anyway, recently while cleaning house and cars I kept stumbling over little things that were stashed away (I did not go looking for them, they were actually kind of oddball things, like an old pic of him with a female friend from work, and an Xmas card from some female penpals overseas). I decided to ask him about these things, only because they were hidden--not because they exist. (I have come to terms with his work friendship (the lady is supposedly very gay) and had a mild concern with the female penpals at first, until he explained the impersonal nature of the emails and how it helped them with their English.) Anyhow, H told me that he feels he needs to hide these "little" things because I always over-react and become irrational and end up accuse him of having affairs. He says he does it to "protect our marriage." He told me "he knows that I search his vehicle regularly" ( I DO NOT!!) and that he's sick of me "patting him down" when he gets home from work or the gym, and that it seems like I will never trust him (OK, between you, me and the fencepost, my trust *is* pretty weak, since that personal ad, but I don't check the vehicle, nor do I pat him down (does discreetly sniffing for perfume count?).<BR>For my defense, I don't feel that I have ever, ever "accused" him of doing anything wrong, except when I saw the personal ad--then I went pretty flipzoid and almost filed for divorce. The few other times I've had concerns or questions about a female friend, or situation, I have earnestly tried to ask in a reasonable tone of voice (trying not to be love busting). Obviously I haven't always succeeded.<BR>So, seems to me where we're at, is that (1) the very act of bringing up or questioning "hidden items" seems to be a major LB with my H, no matter how supportively or non-emotionally I bring it up; (2) the fact that I have snooped before (and feel justified in doing so, at least on the computer) means that "I always snoop" and that "he can't trust me to NOT snoop"; (3) he feels justified in hiding things because I over-react.<BR>He said that "most women don't over-react the way that you do, I feel like I can't even go out for a beer with my boss after work." I assured him that I definitely would "allow" him to go out for a beer, in fact had been wondering why he never did anymore, since I had never questioned it or had a problem with it before (it was a very infrequent occurrence anyway). <BR>I know most other posters' problems are way worse than mine, but wondering in general if this is a minefield area for you too? <P><BR>

The signs are there that he is having "fun"outside of the home. It could be just cyber or it could be email. It does not sound as if he is in a PA, but it is possible. The thing that bothers me, is that you are actively pushing him away when you do things you know he thinks is suspicious. What I mean is, he thinks you don't trust him, you are showing him you don't trust him by snooping. He IS getting the right wignals from you, and you are getting the warning vibes from him.<P>My suggestion is to go to your H and tell him why you behave that way. Even if he laughs it off, look him right in the eye, and tell him wether it is true or not that is how you feel and what you are afraid of.(That he is hiding things and what it could mean.) Then do the EN test together and work on those things. Try to be the supplier of his needs so he doesn't feel compelled to go elsewhere. If he refuses, tell him you really need for him to do this and that you require his support in this. I think you should get something back from that.<P>You are being honest, not LBing, you are talking in the "I", not telling him about him(judging.) It is hard. I have had to learn to talk this way to my WS and I have really had to work hard at it. <P>Good luck.<P>B

Burned spouse, thanks for your thoughts. I am having major paranoia and fear right this minute and am unsure of how to handle it (and handle myself...keep from going over the edge, paranoia-wise)<P>Last night at home, both the washing machine and dishwasher went kaput. After mopping up the resulting messes, disconnecting hoses and panels & etc., I went to look thru our home repair manual to see what they had to say about fixing the problem. A piece of paper fell out of the book. It had a woman's name, extension, and pager #. (It appeared to be a message from my H's boss to him saying this woman had called, and then the pager # was in my H's writing.)<P>Yeah, it's probably nothing. I put the slip of paper on the kitchen counter and said nothing. My H asked me, pretty significantly, before going to bed and then again before he left for work this morning, if "everything was OK." I was acting pretty cool last night, so I don't think he could have sensed anything from my behavior, but by this morning, d*mn, I'm a nervous wreck. <P>He once accidentally called me this woman's name, about two or three months ago, when we were cuddling. I thought my mind was playing tricks on me, because he was talking while I was talking at the same time (we were joking around and cuddling). I ultimately decided it was some kind of brain fart, because he's done stuff like that in the past (one time in bed he called me by an ex-girlfriend's name from 15 years in his past, this was about a year after we started dating, that I'm sure he had NO contact with). <P>That has haunted me for a long time but I could NOT say anything, because it is a MAJOR LB for him (he made it very clear before we got married, when we both took the EN q, that honesty was not a major need of his, and it was over-rated (basically, he would have no problem lying to someone if it would spare their feelings; Honesty was my #2 need, after admiration). Whenever I raise an issue that puts him in any kind of bad guy role, or casts doubt on his fidelity, he gets very depressed and distant, or immediately turns it around on me. PLUS, it kind of sounds strange, like I'm imagining it or making it up. I almost feel mentally ill with the level of paranoia I feel.<P>I called H at work this a.m. to let him know about the visit scheduled later today by the repairperson to fix the washer, and he again asked if something was wrong. I denied everything, then after hanging up I felt panicky and called him back. I said exactly this, in a mellow tone of voice: I'm sorry, but something is bothering me. You know I have fears that predate our marriage. Last night a slip of paper fell out of the home repair manual. It has "(woman's name)" on it and an extension and pager #. I was wondering if it was important to you." He said, why don't you go ahead and call it if it will make you feel good. I said, "that won't make me feel good, and I don't want to call it, I was just wondering if it was important to you. I'm not judging or accusing you, it's my overwhelming fear right now that is upsetting me. I will go seek counseling through the university asap." He insisted that he knows no one of that name, that it was probably a customer, and encouraged me to call it. I then said, "I'm ripping it up right now, since it's no one you know and it's not important to you." He sounded very tired and sad afterward and wished me a good day, and I wished him one back. <P>I feel like I'm crazy, and I'm not dealing with flagrant infidelity like many others on this board (but I have dealt with it in the past...my first marriage, and the two major subsequent relationships between marriage #1 and marriage #2---oh god, believe me, I've earned my stripes in the past...) And that seems to be the root of my problem--I can't let go of the past; I don't feel like someone who can keep a man, and to boot I willingly married someone who does not value honesty the way I do, and it's coming home to roost.<P>I know this is a rant and I'm sorry. I know people are strugglin with much worse issues. My fears are taking over. <P><p>[This message has been edited by CinDrLa (edited January 24, 2001).]