We had arranged marriage an year back. I had big expectations out of my marriage. I wanted the first few years to be the best time of my life - lots and lots of fun. Things have turned out to be totally opposite. Now, it seems like all work and pain and hurt to get this marriage to work. And I dont want to waste some valuable years of my life like this. <P>For my wife, I think, since this was not her first relationship, she didn't have too many expectations out of it. She had had a wonderful time that she can cherish all her life, whereas I cant.<P>So, its adding extra stress for me, not for her. I feel I put in all the effort to make it work, whereas she doesn't. <P>Plus, there is no spark between us. We are either fighting or "avoiding fights" - we are rarely in a love mode. I want to feel an intense feeling for someone, which is not there. May be I have gone too numb to feel anything. <P>Plus, we are so very different in every single thing. There is hardly anything that we like about each other. There are tons of things we hate about each other. I dont know how we are gonna make the two ends meet.<P>I think whats holding us together is just the fear of starting all over again, and the stigma attached to remarriage (esp. in our country)<P>Another thing : Instead of counselling, can someone suggest some good books to read. I have read Harley's books. Also, some other self-improvement books, and have really changed a lot in the past one year. But my wife hasn't budged from where she was. I feel, that both of us need to put in effort, but my wife doesn't care to do anything. She even refrains to read any book saying that books wont help, she can figure out by herself. <P>She hates being told what to do. And if you give her a hint of your intention to get her to do something, she will become even more rigid. I dont intend to change her all over. But I feel there is some basic responsibility that she needs to share. She doesn't work. All day she basically sleeps 12 hours, watches soaps and movies, is on the phone or chat or email and thats about it. <P>She is 26 and hasn't been able to figure out whether she wants to study or work or be a SAHM and she has been dillydallying this for past 1 year with me and of coz prior to that too.<P>Everyday, I work 10 hours and then I HAVE TO entertain her, and she can still get upset on any little thing, so I have to spend another 2-3 hours to fix the problem. <P>I dont see her adding anything to my life. I can hardly turn to her for help. I cant share my feelings with her, cuz she never seems to care to listen or understand. If I ask for support or help or love or anything, she has a standard reply "Dont ask for anything, if and when I want to give, I will" <P>I guess there are some unwritten rules, some expectations that each spouse has to follow in a marriage. But my wife doesn't believe in these. Every day is becoming more and more stressful for me.<P>I am sorry, this is not my idea of having fun<BR>What do I do ?

Hi,<BR>Wow, the way you describe your W, sounds like my H used to say about me. For him I wasn't doing anything and he has to do all of the things, he was trying so hard and I didn't do anything to help him.<BR>And partly true, when he kept pushing me why I couldn't be more affectionate etc I was very annoyed. Becuase I felt he wanted me to change who I was... I'm not a very affectionate person to start with, and it's true after graduating from school I tried to get a job but I was so shy to call people and I ended up not working for a while..<BR>But now I realize he told me he was unhappy but he didn't tell me he was fooling around with other women. He omitted the fact and wanted me to work on marriage which I didn't know what the problem was.<P>After his A was out and he moved out a couple of times he said he was blaming me for everything, now he couldn't blame me since he didn't live with me anymore and he realized that. He also said what he said about me not doing anything wasn't true at all. I did some house work, I did filing for his work etc... maybe it's not that big things but when he had to do by himself he realized how much work I did for him.<P>So right now you sound pretty bitter and I feel like seeing my H in you, and I need to ask you this. You don't have any complement for your W? Then I'm sorry to say this but there's something in your head which is blocking these good things about her. I really don't know about your story, but are you completely honest with your W?? Because when my H thought he was alone trying hard for this marriage in his head I'm sure he was trying but he wasn't at the end.<P>I'm not saying you are not trying... and I hope you can tell her how you feel without being pushy(my H did that a lot, and that made me more not wanting to do anything--sound familiar? )..<BR>Hope someone with wise things to say(which I don't have!!) come here and help you..<P>Meg

Thanks Meg,<P>That initial post was in a moment of frustration. Whereas this one is in more saner moments<P>1. I am very ambitious, she is laidback.<BR>2. Both of us talk very little, but she is very shy and quiet and I at times get pissed off with her.<BR>3. She is very calm, caring, altruistic whereas I am angry and selfish and vengeful<BR>4.She is more cheerful than me, I am a bit anxiety-ridden.<BR>5. She is overly optimistic, whereas I am a realist tending to be a pessimist.<BR>6. I am very organised, she is a bit sloppy.<BR>7. Both of us are moody, sensitive. We both crave for lot of attention and pampering from the other person as we used to get from our parents. <BR>8. I am a bit more impatient and inflexible <BR>9. She does do some housework, surely thats a help, so its not that I do 100% and she does 0%. I think she shares 25% of the responsiblity, I would like it to be closer to 50%<P>Apart from these differences, the biggest one is : She has had boyfriends and relationships whereas I haven't. I have been a porn-addict and been to strip clubs though. Now most people in America would consider her right and me wrong. Whereas in my culture, she is a much bigger culprit than me. I have been trying to sort out the culture shock/differences and change myself to adapt to the new environment. But sometimes I just get frustrated, that whats the point in trying to make all these changes. What am I getting out of it ?<P>

Hi David,<P>Thanks for the saner post .<BR>I have a lot of respect to you because you are trying to make your marriage work.<P>My situation isn't very good so I can't offer good advice or anything but a few ideas:<P>First, is your wife happy about this marriage? Does she know if you are unhappy about it?<BR>I don't know how, but is it possible for you to tell her how you are feeling(in a calm way), and you want this marriage to be better because you love her?<BR>And try to do something together, you said you work for long hours so it maybe hard, but still, maybe jogging or going for a work or whatever..(my H and I used to do crosswords together )<BR>I'm bringing this thread to the top so more people see it and give you some ideas.<BR>Good luck and keep posting here..<P>Meg