Well, here goes, hope it's not just rambling-<P>I mentioned in my last post that I get some signals from him that he wants me to try a little to talk about "us" sometimes. So we were on the phone one day and I was talking about some problems I'm having with my girls' "real" father (that's a whole 'nother nightmare) and he said you probably feel pretty alone right now huh? I told him yea, kinda. He said he would come over on Sun. I told him I had some stuff I wanted to talk to him about anyhow, just stuff I've been thinking about me. Well, I think I kind of worried him (I honestly didn't mean to) cuz he called me on Sat. & made it like he was just checking to see how I was & how the girls were. Then he said "you found somebody didn't you". I said no, it's nothing like that, what I want to talk to you about is nothing bad, or nothing you should worry about. He said "Oh I haven't been worrying about it, it just popped into my head" (yeah, right). Then he ended up comming to my house late Sat. night.<P>So when we got up on Sunday I just told him some of the things I've been figuring out about me. I told him I wanted him to know that this whole thing has been a life defining situation for me, that I'm able to see myself through his eyes, I apologized for things I've said/done that must have hurt him. I assured him that I wasn't saying any of these things to try to win him back, just that I needed someone to "verbalize" the things I've been thinking about myself to (that it was really personal stuff I didn't really feel comfortable announcing to other people), and since he knows me better than anyone and since I feel comfortable with him I wanted that someone to be him, plus I respect his opinion.<P>He said he'd like us to have a few beers sometime, but he doesn't feel right being with me and with OW. He asked me what that made me think. I told him I felt like he was picking her over me (I apologized and said I have to be honest). He said he didn't want me to think of it that way, it's that he has too much respect for me to be with her and then come here & be with me. He doesn't tell her that we still talk & see each other occasionally because he doesn't feel he has to, he's told her to do whatever she wants with other people, he's told her she wants more from him than he can give to her & that if he wanted to have to answer to anyone he would just move back in with me (score 1 for me!!). I do know he's cut way, way back on the time he spends with her. He told me he definately still feels for me, and thinks about me alot, but he just needs to figure out how (means to me if I'm the one???). <P>So, after all that rambling, I'd like your opinions on our conversation and I've been thinking about telling him that if he's trying to figure out how he feels about me, how can he do that if we don't do things together? If we're both being honest with each other, what's wrong with "dating"? We are both free to see other people (just to ease his guilt-for now-I don't plan on it, although I think he would "flip" if I did). I want to tell him that I fully realize that he may find out that he doesn't really love me, just like I may realize that I don't love him. That I'm a big girl and if he's telling me the truth about his feelings/confusion, I can make my own decisions to take a chance on us. I think he doesn't want to hurt me anymore with his indecision so has convinced himself to mostly stay away.<P>Any thoughts/suggestions? Should I say this to him? If so, when, should I wait to let Sunday's conversation sink in a little bit, so it doesn't seem like I'm pushing too much? Sorry so long, thanks for your thoughts!

Bitsy,<P>Things seem to be going OK from what you say. Just my opinion here, but I would not bother mentioning anything about you "may realize that you don't love him". I assume you are operating under the assumption that you do love him and want it to work out. So really, as you know, you can just be your best so that you are the person that he wants to spend his life with.<P>In general I think that if he is open to these "us" kind of discussions, it is OK to have them. Just don't do it all the time, and if he seems uncomfortable, then stop. However, I still think that the most important thing, even if you weren't having any real discussions, is not what you can discuss about it, but what you can show him about you. What he sees that silently deposits love units in his Bitsy Bank, so that he eventually returns to you and only you. I could be way off, but even just having a funny movie or something when he might be over, so that you can watch it together and laugh. I think he already knows that you'll not wait forever, but that you are committed to being with him, right?<P>Your situation sounds like one of those where he'd change his tune if he thought you were finding someone else. But you don't want to do that and risk it.<P>So I guess I'm saying I wouldn't get carried away with talking about relationship stuff, just do the best Plan A and if some talk seems to fit in, then fine. Nothing startling here, just my thoughts.<P>

Rick,<BR>Thanks for your response. I guess the reason I threw in the "I may find out I don't love you" part is because he feels so guilty about what he's doing & I just want to take the pressure off him about me just waiting around for him. When I told him that I said, but I just don't think I'm going to stop loving you anytime soon.<P>I feel like my situation with him is like I have to find ways to build his self esteem and show him how much I admire him & love him for who he is, even through this but I have to do all this without being pushy or adding to the guilt he already feels. Kind of a catch 22. If I go on & on about how great I think he is & how good he makes me feel it just makes him feel guiltier. But if I don't tell him how much I appreciate him then he's not getting much from me either. I'm just learning as I go, which I guess is no different than anyone else here.<P>The other thing that bothers me is I think he (and other people) see me sometimes as some kind of pitifull "little girl" who is lost without him. Sometimes I think he does stuff with me because he feels sorry for me. What do you think about that? Is that good or bad? I see it as bad, but maybe that's just my pride speaking. I just sometimes want to scream that the easy way would be for me to just move on with my life, that what I'm doing takes strength.<P>My plan right now is to Plan A until around June, depending on the circumstances between now & then. If things seem to be improving by then I'll keep it up. I just need to have a time frame in my head so I don't feel like there's no end.<P>Thanks Rick!