STBX and I are doing the "Do It Yourself" default divorce thing. She's been wavering a lot lately, hinting that maybe its not over. We're getting along fine, and things are not so rosy with OM, she just keeps saying that she doesn't want to be "pressured" into making a decision just yet. When she requested the divorce hearing, the court told her it probably wouldn't happen until March or maybe even April. I figured if I could just have enough time, she'd come around and cancel the divorce.<P>The court sent the notice yesterday...the big day is Feb 15th...yes, the day after Valentines, just 3 weeks away. <P>So much for "no pressure," huh? It was like a punch in the gut, looking at that green piece of paper, reading the instructions..."make sure to address the judge as 'your honor'"...it was like looking at my own tombstone. <P>I can't even bring up the subject of stopping the divorce, since I'll just be "pressuring" her. I don't have any more time, and she's going to Vegas this weekend and is sure to see the OM. <P>So here's my rant...she's destroyed nearly every holiday so far this year, and I'm really p.o.'d!!! <P>July 4th...I found pictures of her and OM together and confronted her. That was the first, biggest lie she told me.<P>August 10th...my birthday/our anniversary. She moved out.<P>Thanksgiving...I spent it alone. The day before T-day, the OM flew into town to see her, the first time he's been on my turf.<P>Christmas...We'd never spent Christmas alone as a family: just me, her and D. Each year, we'd go to her family's, or mine, or her dad would come over, etc. This was to be the year we finally had our first family Christmas...needless to say that was ruined.<P>New Years...I wound up working at the bar, watching other people enjoy themselves. New Years has always been special for us...5 years ago I told my W (then just my girlfriend) that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. Last year we were in Vegas at the House of Blues. This year sucked.<P>And now Valentines Day will be ruined. We had a tradition of going up to Sedona together, spending the weekend at a quiet little hotel, and having dinner at this quaint little romantic restaurant nestled away in the mountains. Now I'll spend the time ironing my clothes so I'll look good in court the next day. <P>Sorry to be such a bummer, but I really thought things were going well. Now I'm wondering why I should keep hanging around this place...after all, how much "Marriagebuilding" can you do when you're divorced?<P>

cjack - stand tall, bud. Maybe the early date will be too soon for her, too. This pressures her with out you being the culprit.<P>You're strong. Vent to us, and know you'll survive.<P>WAT

Hi cjack...<P>I didn't go that route...<BR>...since I found MB.<P>But my divorce will be coming soon too.<P>March 19 <P>I've used up all my postponments...<BR>...as well as hers too... (:<BR>...and the judge won't push it back anymore...<P>It will be about 2 weeks shy of the 2 year anniversary of D-day.<P>But... since I've done the Plan A thing... (as good as I could)...<BR>...and now am in Plan B...<BR>...there is a sense of acceptance.<P>I pray for you...<P> <P>Jim

Cactus, I am so sorry. I thought things were sort of changing for the better, but it was an illusion. I am so sorry. I cannot tell you. I think that you should get decked out on Valentine's day and go to George and the Dragon, and play the night away having a good ole time at the pool table or darts. <P>Don't let her ruin another holiday for you.<P>My H will be out 2 wks by that day too, and I know that I won't be celebrating--but to my kids. I think I'll do it up big for them. <P>It is strange for me. It is the first year in 18 years I will not be choosing a romantic little something for my H. But it also reminds of me of the falsness of his last two to me. But I will not dwell there. I am giving this fiasco and all the worry back to him with his departure. I am going to try to keep on looking out for me and my kids.<P>

Cjack,<BR>With bad things having happened on every special or holiday--sometimes 2-3 years in a row, I can emphathize. But I can also tell you that keeping track of this stuff will make you nuts. Let it go. <P>I hope that the notice causes your W's heart to say "Whoa, I don't really want this."

...and here's a new twist: STBX seems to think that divorce isn't permanent! She's unsure about whether or not to go ahead, and her friends are advising her "just go ahead with the divorce, and if you change your mind afterwords, you can get back together."<P>What???!!!<P>She thinks that the divorce is just a piece of paper (like the marriage), and that it will be the same whether we're divorced or not. In other words, if she decides she's made a mistake, she should be able to come back and re-establish the relationship like nothing happened, and then we'd just stay togther, unmarried, for as long as she likes. She says that "marriage is in the heart" and the divorce is just a technicality! <P>I've made it very clear that I'm moving on with my life as soon as the divorce is final, and that if she changes her mind 6 months from now, I may not be available to "re-establish" our relationship in any way.<P>She also insists that she's having a harder time with all this, since SHE's the one who has to make a tough decision, SHE's the one whose "torn between two men," and I'm not taking her feelings into account. Her friends think I'm crazy for saying that divorce is final. <P>I'm sick of living in Limbo!!!

cjack - I guess we shouldn't be surprised she's getting cold feet as it gets closer. If it's just a technicality, ask her why you need to get one?<P>WAT

Good question!!! I don't think she'd like me asking that one, though!<P>I think she sees the marriage as some kind of prison...some obligation she doesn't want to fulfill. As I've mentioned in earlier posts, she needs change as a part of her life. She's never been very stable, never lived in the same place for very long, etc., and both her and MIL will look for a change of scenery whenever they're unhappy, rather than address the cause of the unhappiness.<P>If anything, I think she's terrified at the thought of being bound to one person for the rest of her life. In a way, she can't handle that kind of stability. It is such a foreign concept to her way of thinking that she feels the need to get out of the marriage. In addition, I think she wants our relationship to proceed on HER terms, without some kind of outside pressure applied by the existence of marriage vows she may be unable to keep. <P>She keeps using the example of her co-worker who told her to go ahead with the divorce. This woman is in a long-term relationship, owns a house with the guy, and has no plans to marry him. She sees their happiness and assumes that the very reason is the fact that they aren't married!<P>In fact, she's said that getting married screws up most relationships, ours included!<P>In other words, according to her, the biggest problem in our relationship is the very fact that we're married...if we could just get that out of the way, things would be better!<P>I think at some point the fog turns to plain old insanity!

cjack,<P>"She also insists that she's having a harder time with all this, since SHE's the one who has to make a tough decision, SHE's the one whose "torn between two men," and I'm not taking her feelings into account."<P>LOL! Oh Lord is that funny! It has all the logic and legitimacy of the case where the child who murders his parents, pleading for mercy from the court, based on the extenuating circumstance that he is now an orphan!<P><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

Cjack,<P> Perhaps now would be a good time to recommend legal seperation. My Ws used the same logic yours is... I explained to her that I'd get a legal seperation and that would give her the freedom to move on as she wanted. I also made it clear that it gave me the same right... This way if she changed her mind and I still did want her back there was no final divorce. If she decided she wanted it to end a divorce would be quick since most of the legalities were taken care of by the seperation... Just a thought. She's looking for a reason not to leave but is torn. I think this is normal in the fog. If you offer her it may come across as you being understanding... Just a thought. Crick

Separation is certainly a possibility, but with only 3 weeks to go until the divorce is final, can it be changed? She also doesn't want the time and money we've spent on the divorce to go to waste...pretty shallow, huh? <P>Anyway, this might all be wasted effort. Tomorrow she's leaving for Vegas. She'll see OM for sure, and usually when that happens, she comes back certain that divorce is the only answer.<BR>

cjack,<P>It has been awhile since I posted to you. I have been following your story. I have no really good advice for you, but my sense is that you need to let this divorce go through. Why?<P>1. You have done all you can do to save the marriage.<P>2. Your W is absolutely clueless about what a committed relationship is. The problem isn't marriage as you well know, it would have hurt as much if you lived with her and her D and then she did this.<P>3. Your W needs to learn a few things that you cannot teach her. She needs to learn:<BR>3a. That you were a far better man than she is willing to admit.<BR>3b. That the OM will stick it to her sooner or later, he is still married and has kids.<BR>3c. If he does get divorced his wifes settlement and child support will mean many fewer fun times.<BR>3d. That commitment is to her benefit as well as her spouses.<BR>3e. The grass remains greener on the other side of the fence only if you water it. And she doesn't know that.<BR> <BR>4. You need to do this for your own peace of mind. As you already know from you date with the model, there are always better fish. The secret of a good marriage is knowing that, and still being happy with the one you caught. <P>So in this case, I recommend going with the flow. She wanted it, she's got it. You have learned many things here, and I know your next relationship will be far better than this one, even if she does come back.<P>By the way, I am betting you will hear from her again. Maybe not soon, but eventually. But don't plan or wait on it. Heal, and then live and enjoy your life.<P>You have done well and you have tried hard. There is nothing else to do.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

[QUOTE]Originally posted by cjack:<BR>Hi CJACK,<P><STBX seems to think that divorce isn't permanent! She's unsure about whether or not to go ahead, and her friends are advising her "just go ahead with the divorce, and if you change your mind afterwords, you can get back together."><P>My wife feels the same way. If we get divorced and then I feel like I've made a mistake, then we can just get back together. What's with this frame of mind???<P>~Mike~<P><BR>

JL, thanks for the well-thought out post! I know for sure that she'll try to come back at some point...I just don't know what I'll say when she does. I have a feeling she'll come back before she's learned what she needs to know (and I agree with you on all points there), and probably again if and when she learns those things. <P>Mike, I don't know how to counter our WS's twisted logic, except to make it perfectly clear that I won't be waiting around when she finally comes to her senses. I even asked her: "Do you expect me to sit at home for the next year...waiting for you to realize that you've made a mistake? If 6 months from now you decide you want to come back and I'm already in another relationship, what then?"<P>Needless to say she didn't have answers...