My H and I have been married for almost 6 years. I have dealt with the online sexual conversations porno sites, 900 numbers everything for the last few years. But it is getting much more involved. He has now called a woman that he met online and had phone sex with her while I was in bed asleep. Now i discovered through his private email that he has signed up for an online dating service. I would love to walk away from this whole mess but there are 5 kids involved and financially I can't make it alone. He refuses to talk about this it makes him too uncomfortable. Now I am left feeling very lonely and have even considered finding comfort other places also. If any one can relate to this at all please help.

MomRat,<P>I can imagine the pain and loneliness you must be feeling. I'm in quite a crisis myself right now so my thoughts are a little to scattered to give you good advice. I can tell you, however, that you've come to the right place. Come often, keep posting. READ!!! Read other posts when you have the strength. Even reply (talks a little more strength, but it a good thing to do when you can). I think the best advice I can give you is to read some of Dr. Harley's books. I just finished "Surviving and Affair." It's full of great information and insights. It's stuff that makes sense, but is not necessarily intuitive. Learn it! "His Needs/Her Needs" is another one. Go buy them or find them at the library. And keep posting here. Again, you're in the right place.<P>Hugs and prayers,<P>------------------<BR>Bill<BR>~~~~<BR>Remember the truth that once was spoken, "To love another person is to see the face of God."

You might find this old thread...particularly LisaM's response of interest.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum8/HTML/000420.html" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum8/HTML/000420.html</A>

My H (separated, and he's living with OW) was into internet porn too (after I went to bed)....I don't think as far as yours, but I'll never know.<P>When I found out, I told him, number one, it <B>really</B> bothered me and number two, I don't think it's healthy for our marriage (this was years ago). He just laughted and said it's no big deal...all men do it. <P>After he moved out, I found hundreds of pron pictures on our computer. It made me sick. I deleted them all before he came and took the computer.<P>If it didn't affect our marriage, how come he's still searching, as he puts it "for that perfect woman out there." What a crock! He was so addicted to porn and I bet after the OW goes to bed at night, he's right back on the computer doing the same old thing.<P>Maybe all men think about sex or look at those types of picture once in a while, but to actively sit down and search for them, esp. after your wife has gone to sleep.....HELLO?!?!? Ever hear of the Five D's? Deeds Done in the Dark, are usually Destructive Deeds.<P>Just my 2 cents.....I would make an appointment at a good counselor and get his butt in there. Sounds like he's really addicted. Wish I could offer you better advice. <P>Good luck,<BR>Mrs.O<BR>

MR,<P>It sounds like you are dealing with an addiction. <P>Websites such as (s-anon.com) and (trueintimacy.com) can give you insight into the symptoms of sexual addiction. Much like any other addiction, the only person who can "fix" it is the addict themselves.<BR>There is nothing you can do to make him stop. Just as there is nothing you did to make him "act out".<P>Please seek help for yourself. As you get stronger, you will begin to see the situation more clearly. You might seek out 12 step groups in your area such as Al-anon or S-anon. Though you are not dealing with alcoholism, the dynamics of the relationship are the same with any addiction.<P>You are in my prayers.<P>

In my humble opinion, cybersex is exactly the same as committing adultery:<P>1) using another person's body for your own pleasure while disregarding the child of God inside that body<P>2) sexual pleasure is gained from one other than one's own spouse<P>3) extremely addictive, consumes one's time and resources, and leads to worse ventures when there is no longer pleasure to being derrived from "just looking"<P>4) leads a man to believe that he is "missing out," that his wife should be able to pleasure him with outrageous sexual acts, the way porn stars perform (one of the things that hinted me about my husband's addiction and subsequent affair was the weird things he wanted to try with me all of the sudden.)<P>5) intimacy is devalued (is that a word?) Physical touching is no longer something that expresses love--but pleasure alone<P>6) causes one to think that sex is love and love is sex, and that's all there is to it--no need for more in life. Replaces the need for human interraction, especially if love is derived from looking on a screen or dialing an anonymous voice on the phone.<P>7) It is demeaning to women. Women are treated as filth, as objects. The little voices they put on the advertisments like "Hi, my name is Sandy, and I am sl*t of the year. . .'come' see me." It just makes me laugh. As if all women act like that. They don't. But the porn ads put the idea in a guy's head that this is all women are for and that they like being this way. As if!<P>And more. . .my simple thoughts. Pornography is what got my spouse into trouble, I have a feeling. But whenever I called him on it, he dismissed it as no big deal, just looking at the menu, all guys do it, ect ect.<P>It's poison, plain and simple. <P>What I did was cruise through amazon.com to see what kind of literature there is concerning porn addiction and how to break away and help your spouse break away. A whole lot of it is Christian material, I will admit, and people of little belief do not readily find it helpful. But I think that porn addiction should be treated just as a drug or alcohol addiction in that one must 1) admit powerlessness first 2) humbly put his life in the hands of the God of his understanding 3) confess his problems to himself and to others. There is really no other way.<P>Otherwise, a porn addiction will lead to far more horrifying addictions, mark my words.