Hi,<P>On Tuesday I had my first session with a counselor. I made the appoitment on my own after I decided it was time to try and sort some of my feelings out and maybe try to understand my wifes side of this, since she is the one who was betrayed.<P>The session went ok, and the guy is very pleasant and we seem to get along ok. He is the kind of person I don't mind talking to, and seems to have an attitude I am confortable with. He helped me sort out some basic facts, such as how generally my wife feels (not the exact answers) but in general, the same way people around here have helped. I am going to see him again on Friday morning, and actually called him today with a couple questions on some matters, so just in case anyone was wondering that went ok.<P>Here is what bothered me, and after making this call today, I realized why it happened. My wife knew about the session, but did not ask how it went. I really thought she would at least give it a "token" mention, but I guess not. Like she has told me before, right now she is not the person to come to with my problems. She is thinking about her own situation. I respect that and will continue to give her space. <P>Just an update, for those who have been kind enough to help me out so far.......Still no affection from W, (kissing, touching, hugging, etc....) I know she is not ready for that yet, as she has said, but I just wish I could get one hug it would make a world of difference. Instead I give my daughters what we call "big gynorumus hugs" and although it is not the same type of hug I would get from my wife, those little kids have made this less terrible sometimes.<P>In closing, I wanted to touch on one topic I discussed with the counselor. I told him that for all the things I have done to my wife, in terms of cheating, were based on sex with the other women. The thing I miss the most is the holding hands, cuddling in bed, kissing, and just being able to come up and hug her anytime. I then started to cry (not to sound whimpy) but I told him, I would do anything if I could just go up to my mom and get a big hug from her and have her tell me everything is going to be ok. I kind of got this from my wife, because she told me she wished she could do the same to her dad. Our parents don't know about what were going through now, and I, and I believe my wife feels the same way, it is best not to tell them. He said I should not put hugging my mom out of my mind. I could never tell her about this unless I would have to. It would just crush her to pieces. Maybe next time I see her I can just give her a big gynormus hug like I do to the kids.<P>Hope everyone has a great day, or the best day that you can have. I sure am going to try and do that.

I am glad your session went well.<P>A bit of information. The biggest determinant in the ability of a counselor to help you is not discipline (Psychologist, Social Worker, etc.), training, or skill. It is your relationship with the counselor. And it seems that you have a pretty good relationship based on your one visit.<P>Don't worry about crying. I did a lot of that when I first started visiting a counselor. Hope to get back to it as soon as I get some insurance.<P>Good Luck with it.

Why would your Mom need to know <B>WHY</B> you were giving her a big hug? I rather think she'd welcome it for whatever reason! Someday one of you won't be around for such hugs, so I say grab 'em while you can.

"The thing I miss the most is the holding hands, cuddling in bed, kissing, and just being able to come up and hug her anytime." <BR> <BR>This is something I took a while to know I was missing. The MAN in me thought the sex was so important, and that part was very good. The things you listed, fill the very soul of both, husband and wife. They are also the things that most OP would skip over to get to the GOOD STUFF. I think we can see how important the rest is now. Oh to go back to just feeling her foot against my leg so she knows I'm there. Lying in bed on a lazy morning, putting my right foot up to her left foot, fitting them together and seeing how small hers is. The soft touch on the neck when I'm driving that says I'm special and loved. <BR>I talked to my counciler and came to the conclusion the sex is not at the top of the list. Affection is. It's not about getting Laid (excuse the term).Sex does not require intimacy, the other things do for them to satisfy.<BR>I cry too, when I realise what I am missing.<p>[This message has been edited by Daniel (edited January 24, 2001).]