...<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited February 06, 2001).]

Hi Resilient,<P>Are you sure the OW said this and is in agreement? I do not know your entire story but did you H leave you for this OW? Are they in a relationship? If not maybe talk to her and see what she says..even if they are together ask her if this is how she feels as well.<P>((((((((((((((Resilient))))))))))))))))

How old is he? Is he old enough to say what kind of relationship HE wants to have with you? What kind of custody arangement do your H & his mother have? Does she have any say in this? Could she talk to your H about how important Ryan's relationship with you is?<P>I can speak for my girls who have had people they care about either leave or be taken away and I can't tell you what an effect it's had on them. The children's needs have to be the most important thing in the "grown-up messes" we create. Is there anyway or anyone who can make your H see this?<P>I feel for both you & Ryan, and I also commend you for still wanting to be a part of his life. I can't tell you how much that will mean to him.<BR>

...<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited February 06, 2001).]

Before I reply, tell me, is it he and Lana who have come to this decision, or he and Ryan's mom?

...<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited February 06, 2001).]

Oh, Jo, what a horrible thing to have on top of the pending D. I wish I could give you more than a cyber hug!! (((((((((((JO)))))))))))<P>If Ryan's mother has sole custody, then shouldn't she be the one to make the decisions regarding his well being? If she wants you as part of his life, and Ryan does too, then that's how it should be! Obviously, you're wonderful to him and have been a great stepmom!<P>I hope so much that this works out for you, God knows you don't need to be dealing with this! Isn't amazing the love that little children can give to us in the absence of getting it from our spouse's? My 9 month old can give me a smile that melts my heart every time---and the best thing is he loves me unconditionally! <P>I'll be praying for you!

Resilent,<P>Let me get this straight. The mother of Ryan wants you in his life. She has full custody of this child. Your stbx is having an affair with the mother of the first OC.<P>It seems to me it is obvious. Proceed with the divorce and proceed to see Ryan anytime his mother wants you to. Your H has no legal right to deny your contact with Ryan. In fact, I think if ever a man should be taken to the cleaners in a divorce, this is the man. He has cheated on your twice, produced two illigitimate children, and then wants to deny you one of the only things you have enjoyed about this marriage, helping his son, who he has no custody over. <P>Please, please tell me you see that he should be ignored. He wants to hurt his own flesh and blood. Pretty stupid if you ask me, but doing stupid things seems to be what he is best at.<P>Resilent, don't worry over this. If Ryan's mother wants you in his live your STBX has little to say about it. As for the OW having a say, yeah right.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Resilient-Wow, what a story! How have you dealt with it all? You must be so strong (could you toss some my way?).<P>I agree with the other posters who said if his mother has custody, she has the say. If you want to be a part of Ryan's life then DO IT!! The last thing he needs right now is to have another big change-loosing you. The things these poor little kids have to go through, sounds like he's already been through tons in his life anyhow.<P>You are a very giving woman, don't ever change, Ryan is very lucky to have someone like you in his life. Good luck.

Resilient,<P>Lets' see if I understand:<P>STBX is marrying the mother of 2 of his love children.<P>STBX was not married to mother of 1 of his love children (#2, Ry). He is not intending to marry this woman.<P>The OW who is NOT the bio mom of Ry wishes to forbid you from seeing him.<P>The OW who IS the bio mom of Ry wishes you to continue to see him.<P>Ry loses out if he doesn't see you. He gets hurt. His bio family likes you and wants him to benefit from your love, attention and time.<P>OW who is marrying STBX sounds insecure, like a control freak. She's attempting to stake a claim where she has no rights. It isn't the children she's concerned about; it's the inevitable continued contact which MAY occur at a point in the future, should you remain part of Ry's extended family.<P>STBX and OW can find a common cause if you fight this. They will be united against you. He is going along with her wishes because she sleeps with him and he doesn't want to sleep on the couch. <P>How does this sound? Don't respond at all to this new demand. Quiet, non-commital. Just sit tight and wait. Let Ry's bio family know that you love him and you are available any time they want to call you. Make no statement of any kind to Ry's dad or his STBW. The bride to be knows he's a cheater. He goes back and forth between women. She sees you as a threat. That's where this is all coming from. It's very ugly but there's nothing you can do about it except refuse to engage with STBX and OW. They will probably forget about the demand if it becomes inconvenient for either of them to pick Ry up one day, it won't be mentioned, and the relationship will continue as it has been. If and when that happens, NEVER allude to the unreasonable demand. You will know that you and Ry have won the more important victory.<P>Bless you! Ry is lucky to have you.<P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

Well, my reply matches JL's and hurtinginil's almost exactly. Steve can't really do much about it, and Lana can go to hell as far as I'm concerned! It's not like you have an ulterior motive, and let's face it - you're participating in Ryan's life more than they are!<P>You and Ryan love each other, Debbie wants you to spend time with him...that's enough for me.

((((((((((((((((((((jo))))))))))))))))))))<P>First of all I think your H doesn't even see Ry, and what the he!! is he talking about? And OW doesn't have ANY right to say about another child.. are these kids seeing each other??<BR>Gosh, what a jerk your H is.. He pretends he's concerned about him but I don't think he is. I'm sure he got this idea from his sick OW.<BR>Hang in there, Jo. At least Ry's mom and grandmother know how much you love Ry and they want you in his life.<BR>I don't know the effect to him, you can talk to a counselor about it.<P>Meg

Still checking in on you....<P>Add my vote to the others...you're too important to Ryan. His mother realizes it, too. The other two can just, well...<P>Keep loving him, Hon, and being that great role model.<P>Love,<P>Lori

Jo<P>I am so sorry I did not see this thread before. I am apauled what Steve has been talked into now! He must be a marshmellow.<P>I agree with the others here. Do not make any comment to him or Lana in any way. How dare they? If Debbie wants you as a stabling influence on Ry, and you love Ry as I know you do, you should see him as often as you want. I think it IS good for Ry and I know that you abound with love for him. <P>It is a rare gift for someone to earn that unconditional love of a child that is not her own. That is a very special relationship. One that Ry wants and chooses. It is kind of like adoption. He has adopted you to be an important person in his life. You have been chosen by Ry. I know you will not let him down.<P>Hugs and prayers to you, Jo.

Dear Jo,<P> This is Beth checking in on you.This OW (Miss Lana) is really something.She has no say in this one.I agree with others ,dont say anything to H and OW,it will probably blow over.<P> Love and Prayers,beth

...<P><p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited February 07, 2001).]