Hey, just curious if I'm the only BS who has a desire to contact the OW and really let her know what's going on with my H and I.<P>I am quite sure that H and OW have had no "extracurricular" conversations or meetings since H told her "not to contact him" anymore. But, I get sometimes and uncontrollable (so far have been able to) urge to call and let her know how her part of H's A has affected MY life and how H & my relationship is growing and working out -- I don't have the desire to yell or hurt her (like I did in the beginning of recovery) -- I guess part of me really wants to hurt her emotionally -- like I went through. <P>I know it is morally wrong to want to do that, and I guess that's why I havent. Heck, on d-day #2, I called her names (over the phone) that I didn't even think were in my vocabulary, then, the next time I saw her apologized for saying such awful things to her. I am sure many of you will think I'm an idiot for apologizing, but it's my way of dealing with being someone nasty that I thought I couldn't even be!<P>Anyway -- just curious if anyone else feels this same way -- or if anyone has actually done this somewhere along the road of recovery.<P>Take care!<P>Sunhasset<BR>

<B>sunhasset</B><P>Hello. Boy oh boy, is this a topic I can sink my teeth (fangs) into. <P>I have some things I have to do first...but I will be back. Fair warning though, I can go on and on.<P>See you later.<P><BR>------------------<BR><B>God bless you and all of us. We are all going to make it, all of us! With God on our side we can't lose! What God has joined together let no man put asunder. <P>Samantha</B><p>[This message has been edited by A blessed Samantha (edited January 24, 2001).]

Nope. This poor excuse for a man doesn't deserve my attention. Besides, he's no competition, he's not a threat. I have the capability to restore my marriage. In the end, he will reap what he has sown.<P>WAT

I mostly just lurk behind the scenes here and have learned much from all of you. I did feel compelled to answer this one though. Just as an aside..my husband and I have been in recovery for three years and still the pain is difficult. I don't know who the OW is and know very little detail...since I obsess alot this is good thing. However, in my mind I have met her many times and done things that are not at all in my character. I'm afraid if I ever did know I would definitely let her know how I feel and hopefully would not hurt her!! I have nightmares every so often about it too. I have worked very hard at forgiving my H but the OW will never (I don't think)be forgiven. She knew my H had no intention of leaving me..that it was a very bad time in our marriage and still she chose to pursue. Of course, I do put most of the blame on H but the OW clinched it. I don't really think there is anything to gain by contacting the OW or OM...but it might feel good momentarily...Hope this answers your question.

Nope! Never. I was willing, in the beginning, because she seemed rather balanced at the time. However, it is now a year after the PA ended, and she's still phoning and hanging up. No way do I want to call her and say anything about it. That would only open the floodgates even more than they already are open.<P>belld

I sent her a thank you letter - following the example of our buddy Jill (Crazy or What!) Also, when she contacted Robert to get her something from Victoria's Secret since she didn't have a credit card, I called her back (with his permission - although I don't think he believed I'd do it) and offered to get her things (as sweet as pie) when I ordered the stuff he wanted for me!<P>Those things gave me a GREAT deal of satisfaction adn teed her off to no end...but she couldn't say anything cause I was as nice as I could be.<P>Lori

I am not in recovery, so I'm just chiming in to tell lostva that "you are incredible". Your way of handling your H and yourself during and after the affair is amazing. I don't know how you do it. I got quite a chuckle out of you phoning OW to make the offer of getting her stuff when you order what he wants for you.

There are two things that I am very glad I did during this mess.<BR>The first was to call the bimbo after discovery #3 and offer my H to her on a silver platter. It gave me great pleasure to know that she waited for him to arrive and he never did.<BR>The most satisfying thing that I did was about a year after discovery #1. I sent the bimbo a letter telling her a lot of what I thought of her. <BR>Copies available by request. <BR>I waited that long to be sure that I was rational when I mailed it.

I sometimes wanted to call the OW and let her know the "truth" about my husband (he had told her some pretty fantastic tales about his so-called past, reading her admiring gushes made me want to throw up) - but I refrained, knowing she wouldn't believe me anyway. <P>Now we are 2 months into recovery - and I don't have the slightest desire to contact her. She's the lowest form of pondscum I can imagine, and not worthy of my attention. Besides, talking to her doesn't fix what was wrong btwn H and me. I'd rather fix us than worry about what she thinks. <P>I do have to say though that it felt good when my H's sister called up his OW and chewed her out on my behalf <G>

I've totally had the desire to contact her. . background info.-she is someone we both knew before this all started and she's always had something against me. We'd see her once in a while when we were out and she'd always have something not so nice to say to me. (How nice is he for getting involved with her-of all people??). I guess I threatened her in some way, I guess she wanted what I had? <P>Any how, I've thought about it alot and I've decided that she can't touch me, she couldn't then, she can't now & she will never be able to.<P>I will not stoop to her level, ever. I will hold my head up no matter the outcome of this mess. I'm with lostva's approach.<BR>

Warning: Long!<P>A month into recovery and after D-Day, I called the OW to tell her that I knew that she had F##### my H and that she had better stay away. Then, I called her the most filthy curse words that I could think of. I'll tell you what. I DO NOT ever regret doing that. (By the way, we are in almost 2 years of recovery.)<P>I wanted the OW to know that I knew of the affair. I didn't want her to think that she got away with it, without me/wife knowing.<P>I had been thinking daily about calling her since D-Day and could refrain no longer. I felt like a pressure-cooker ready to explode. Obviously, I exploded and I called her.<P>Originally, my H had broke it off with her over the phone. Yet, after 9 months of recovery, the OW had the freakin' nerve to contact my H via e-mail. Such a manipulator. She wrote that she was wondering how he was doing and pretended to be so concerned, as a platonic friend would act. She suggested that she hadn't seen or heard from him in so long and was concerned.<P>My idiot H responded, not with a letter, but by forwarding her a page of dumb jokes. Now, for some reason, something (a divine intervention?) told me to check his e-mail account. I did, and what I found was the joke that he forwarded to her! I was so ticked off that he would even respond to her in anyway.<P>He obviously didn't see her as a threat to our marriage and thought that she was being "just a friend!"<P>Well, after she received the joke, she e-mailed him back. I intercepted that e-mail. In this 2nd e-mail she wanted to know if he would come over to her house! Isn't it obvious what her real intentions were? Such a manipulator, even after 2 years, she still makes me sick!<P>Well, when my H came home, I blew my haystack. We had been in 9 months of recovery, and I told him that I have already invested enough of my time, energy & self into restoring this marriage. If he wanted to throw it away, by renewing contact with OW, then fine with me, he could have her! I had just about enough of that nonsense that I wasn't going to tolerate it any longer. I told him that we could legally separate and I would move back home, to the opposite side of the country. I was tired of playing games and I wasn't going to be made a fool any longer. Either he wanted to be with me, or he didn't.<P>I did issue him an ultimatum and I meant every word (by the way, do not issue an ultimatum, unless you are ready to go through with it).<P>So, he immediately sat down at the computer and, through his idea, wrote her a "No Contact" letter. I was pleased that he would even think of this himself.<P>I also wrote this OW a letter and told her to get a life, stay out of ours and never have any contact with my H ever again.<P>She wrote back with an insincere apology, made a statement that no one would ever take away the way she feels about my H, and that she thought that my marriage was over anyway.<P>I didn't write her back, but my reaction to her e-mail was, "You've got to be kidding! Where the heck has she been for the last 9 months??"<P>My H had been so very good, accountable for his time, committed to the marriage, quit drinking, turned into a completely different person, devoted H & father, as he had been pre-affair. I don't see how she thought our marriage was over. She had been out of the picture for 9 months. Obviously, she has some screws loose and still living in the past (which was 9 months ago!)<P>Anyway, she also added in her e-mail that we wouldn't hear from her ever again.<P>We never heard from her...<P>Now, contacting the OP is not for everyone. I think it depends upon you, and your situation.<P>My H said that he didn't care if I contacted OW or not. I did it for myself. In some weird way, it gave me closure. I wanted the OW to know that I was a real person and that I knew what she was trying to do. I wasn't about to let her think that I was clueless!<P>In my honest opinion, regarding your situation, I don't think it is necessary to contact OW if your recovery has been good and there has been no recent contact.<P>There is no reason for you to give this OW an update on how you & your H are doing. It's none of her business anyway.<P>If you're looking to hurt her, I don't think you need to do anything. Just the fact that you & your H are together, I'm sure, hurts her. It shows that she wasn't good enough for your H. It shows that he loves you enough to stay with you. He didn't leave you to be with her. Let her mind go in all kinds of directions. I'm sure it will. Don't be concerned with her. Just keep working on your recovery and as time goes on, the OW will be a blur.

Nine months for you - a year for me and H, try that on for size.<P>I can't help but to think that there's something very wrong with someone who holds onto a defunct relationship for that long - as in, something really wrong. I told my H that I wanted to start setting the alarm whenever we left the house. <P>We have pets. <P>belld

Ow was someone I knew really well (but did not particularly like - h knew this well)because she is minister of music at our church. On d-day I discovered her love letters to my h, confronted him (he defended her earnestly), and went to see her to tell her I was about to publicly file and distribute her letters if she ever so much as spoke privately to my h again.<P>I did not fuss at her or speak to her in a loud or angry voice. I did tell her that I held both of them responsible. I did spend about an hour telling her about the strengths of our marriage and about the interdependency of our relationship. I also let her know that my h was NOT estranged from me - quite to the contrary.<P>I never exposed her except to a few very close friends in whom I confided out of desparation. I never told her h, and I asked that no issue be raised as to her job if she did not choose to resign (and she did not). Thus, we see her several times per week. She has absolved herself of all guilt and plays the victim role to the hilt. She treats me like pond scum, and tries to alienate others from me. My h & I have always been extremely active in church. She thinks we have gall to continue there. We did try another church, but it was not the same away many close friends who feel like family.<P>Sometimes when she is especially witchy or when her digs get back to me, the devil gets into me,and I think it's never too late to publish those letters. Since she treats me as if I had anyway, I am tempted to let people know the truth about why she so despises me.

Hey, Wassi, haven't we been here before???? Sorry, another old timer who wants to contribute....here's my answer to this one. I think yes, at times it would be nice to rub it into the OW's nose that we are surviving quiet nicely without her presence in our life.......and the best type of revenge is that success that says, ha, I made it and you didn't take him awary from me! I read this post last night and resolved that I would answer it because this is one of my strongest temptations, simply because the OW was very smart and played me like her best friend in the worst possible way! Often I want to pick up the phone and say "How could you do this to me, what were you thinking, and were you really ever my friend?" But I don't....<BR>I was once told that there is this tension (this came from my counselor) between her and I and the only way to fully end any thoughts she might have in regards to me and my h was to completely ignore her altogether. That the tension would unfold slowly (it has) and that any further contact between her and I would only increase her thoughts about my h......(it would!) so.....Nope, don't do it....Drop it and go on, live your life in the best revenge ever, the success of your marriage and the happiness in your thoughts that no matter what happens you and your marriage will survive, it has survived the worst and it's going stronger than ever.......the best revenge I've had is my continued efforts to not have any contact with her! God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!

In my case, my H is the BS and he contacted OM one day after d-day. Since my H had tapped our phone, he had a tape of a week's worth of conversations with OM.<P>I called OM and told him this (on d-day) and he said not to worry about it.<P>He was singing a different tune when my H called him, however. My H told him that he'd considered playing the tape for his W, but one person had already been badly hurt. But he told OM that he would play the tape for his W if he pursued the relationship with me. Coward that he is, OM told my H that it would never happen again, that he was sorry, and then proceeded to thank my H profusely for not contacting his W.<P>I arrived at work the next morning to a voice mail message from OM saying that I shouldn't call him anymore. Now why couldn't he tell ME that instead of leaving a voice mail??<P>How nice that someone was spared. And OM is free to go about his life as if nothing ever happened between us. What a guy.<P>Do I sound a little bitter?? LOL!!!! I'm so glad the A is over - I wasted a lot of time on someone who could never fill my H's shoes.

Yup - I sure contacted OW. I found her phone numbers in my H's data directory the day after d-day. Luckily she lives a long way away from here so I never had to worry about her showing up! Anyway - we had two LONG phone conversations, with both of us crying etc. I actually quite liked her and she did start to realize the magnitude of what she had done after speaking with the "actual" wife, and not the "domineering,identity sucking, money hungry" spouse my H made me out to be! She's a young widow with two small kids, and I think is looking for a spouse. They continued contact for about a month after dday. She emailed in September, 4months after dday just to say hi to H and see how he was. H was in the process of responding, but when he saw my face (he has always told me when she contacted him after Dday - thank God) he deleted everything and we just ignored her. Haven't heard anything since and we're coming up to one year of the PA starting.<BR>

Oh goody, I get to tell this story again! (Although I wouldn't do now what I did back then, now that we have a child and all)<P>I worked with XOW at Rich's in SC. The XOW was one of my best friends, my roommate, and she had also gone to Moolah's Wrestling School with me. My H and I were only dating at the time. Anyway, she was not very outgoing, was real tall and thick (6'1", and around 215 lbs), so she never could get boyfriends. She had this tendency to sleep with men on the first date, and they discarded her immediately afterward.<P>Future H and I took her out to the bar to try and cheer her up. We all ended up back at our duplex, and we were all pretty tore up. I immediately passed out (World War 3 couldn't have woken me up that night). In the morning, future H and "friend" were acting odd. I went to my FT job, and our other friend (the third member of our clique), called me up and 'fessed that they had slept together twice while I was passed out in my bedroom.<P>I left my FT job and went to Rich's, where OW was working that day. The b*tch had the nerve to still try acting like my friend when I found her in our stockroom, so I ended up beating her [censored] right then and there. The manager of security was a friend of mine, I was well liked among my co-workers, and I knew she wouldn't have the nerve to press charges, so I sent her to the hospital. <P>In the end, her rep was ruined, and she ended up going home to Indiana. I never heard from her again!