I'm writing this for myself... so if you happen to read this, thanks, but I have to tell you this will be a bit boring.<P>I was going to have this year as a fresh starting year, hoping D would be final by the end of 2000, but it didn't happen. My H did the paperwork, I brought it to a lawyer, he said it was no good. The reason my H worked on the paper was because we both couldn't afford a lawyer(I can but don't want to spend money for D). So I felt I was stuck then remembered my neighbor went through D and we discussed about it. So since I don't have anything to lose I asked her to help me. And she said yes. So I'm waiting for her to finish it right now. I'm very relieved, I just can't stay at this stage. And I know my H isn't gonna come back and I don't want have anything to do with him so I'm happy.<P>This monday I went to the first meeting of anger management course... we were only 4 women and I never did a group session like this so it was very interesting... and I just realized there are so many different forms of anger. Anyway I hope this help me to deal with my anger.<P>Today I received a bill, and as soon as I saw it I got mad, because I asked my H to change the name of the bill in December he hasn't done anything! And I thought only the person on the bill can change things around.. but I called them(3 places), and it was pretty easy to change the name.. just have to pay $50 each to change the account. Heck I'm the one who's paying all of the bills so WHY they have to have his name? I prefer paying extra $50 for my name!!<BR>Then I realized(or just wishful thinking.. but it's good for me anyway) that maybe he called but he found out it costs $ and decided not to do anything(I'm sure I would have freaked out if I got bills with extra $50!)... I'm sure the truth is he never called but I guess it's good for me to think that way instead of being pissed off at him.<P>So it's slow but I'm moving forward.. hope D will be final soon..<P>Meg

Glad to see that you are moving forward and that you are happy. Updates of people that you follow on here are never boring! Take care of yourself.

Rick,<P>I was gonna write you when you responded to my thread about what kind of gifts you guys were getting for christmas.. you said(I'm sorry if I've mistaken you for somebody else)you were from Ottawa.. you are pretty close from where I live.. I live in Montreal.<P>Recently I feel a bit of ups and downs more than before.. is it because of the holiday seasons? I don't know.. <BR>But I will be alright and hope this anger management course helps me to forgive .<P>Thanks for your response,<P>Meg

Meg,<P>You've got a good memory...yes it was me that is from Ottawa. Guess what, OM is from Montreal. I lived there also for a few years in the late 80s, after university.<P>I'm sure the holidays contribute to ups and downs, but also, I am sure that there are just going to be ups and downs in general as a result of everything going on. No one is made of steel. We all know that emotions do weird things. At least it isn't -40 outside too much this year

Hi Meg,<P>Glad to hear you are doing OK. Sometimes boring is good. After all the stess and drama that goes along with affairs, its good to just live a normal life a little.<P>I read a book on anger too. It was kind of eye opening to me. Good anger? I foreign concept to me. I saw my H anger styles in there too. Glad you are learning and growing.<BR>lora

Rick,<P>Yes this winter isn't that bad.. today was so nice and warm.. it was only -1 degree(I'm sure people from south is dead just reading this )!<BR>AND please do let me know if there's anything I can do for you regarding OM .<P>Lora,<P>This anger management will be really interesting, we haven't learn how to release anger instead of blowing up yet, we just learned to walk away(they call it time out). I said I was trying to think my H(and OW) didn't do this to hurt me, they did it for themselves to be happy but it was very hard for me to think that way, then our counselor said this way of thinking has to be worked on much much later, not at this stage we are at .<P>The funny thing is, first time you wrote me was when you read my post saying I was feeling much much better! Now I'm kinda going backwards a little. A friend sent me a self help book by Murphy and I've read some by Norman Vincent Pearl, and they both are saying pretty much the same thing.. "think positive".. I'm trying to work on this .<P>Meg<P>[This message has been edited by MF (edited January 24, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by MF (edited January 25, 2001).]

It sound like the "thinking positive" discussed in anger management may border on denial if you aren't careful.<P>Example, your 1st comment that perhaps your h did try to get the bill changed but didn't because of the cost when, as you later said that just isn't true. It sounds like you are able to see the difference, but I have had a lot of experience with a h who deals with things he doesn't like by denial and creating his on twist on the facts to avoid unpleasantness. I also see posts on this board by bs who want to give their spouse the benefit of every doubt when the truth is fairly obvious.<P>I so wanted what my h was telling me to be true, that I believed his story (& how blind I was) that there was no ow.<P>We need to channel and control our anger, but I would beware of anyone who pushes you to "look on the bright side" when sometimes that means denial of the obvious. Our counsellor would do that at times - she'd suggest possible interpretations of incidents that were either harmless or even positive. She was always wrong because she did not know my h. The last thing I needed at that time was more denial. <P>I'm rambling while meaning just to caution you from a mistake I made for 4 months that proved very costly. My h's affair ended as soon as we both faced up to the truth.<P>If there's something to be angry about, you do yourself a disservice by painting a rosy picture over it. Good anger management it seems to me is controlling the normal feelings of anger and directing them appropriately as Lor mentions. If we cover it up with rosy pictures too long, when the truth hits us we either explode or implode. Neither is a pretty picture.

Wesse,<P>No, we didn't talk about thinking positive thing at the session.. this(positive thinking) is I've been working on my own for a while after D-day and I became suicidal. <P>The way I thought about this billing situation, I never talked to H after I asked him to change the name on the bills. so I really don't know if he ever called or not. But I was irritated since he doesn't help me paying any bills here(he moved out) and still there his names on the bills. So I got pissed off but for me it's not healthy, I'm not contacting my H for a while now and I was tired of asking him do things and he doesn't do it. And the reason I thought that maybe he called but was concerened about the extra fees, isn't to think my H is nice, that's for me to think that way so I don't have to be pissed off.<P>I've been very hurt like many people here from my H's A, like most of you here this was the worst time of my life. If I look at the bad things I can go on, but I don't want to be stuck at the bottom. I also know there are some good things(for myself) came out of this very hurtful things. And I feel I should be focusing on them..and this is not covering up the truth. And I'm not in denial about the situation, yes I was very naive to believe my H's words and it was obvious he was totally confused and maybe he didn't know what he was saying or he was just lying the whole time. Now I know that I can't be around him nor talk to him because that draggs me into this mess again.<P>Thanks for the response and your concern, I have to think about this well...<P>Meg

<BR>Meg,<P>Just thing about your. Glad you are getting on with your life & things aren't getting you down.<P>Enjoy some of you cold weather for me. I'll think of you the next time I'm out, sweating, with near 100% humidity, around 90 F, threatening rain, weighted down with groceries & can't find a taxi. :<BR>

Sing,<P>I feel I'm lucky being stuck in this snow world after reading your post .. I hate cold weather but I also hate hot summer with humidity.. well which one is better??<P>I'm bit relieved reading your response.. but hope the talk with your H happens soon.. I don't know about you, but I'm not very patient and can't wait for long wondering what he's going to say... !<P>Take care!<P>Meg