Hi,<P>For those of you who know my story, I will continue on.........Over the past couple days the conversation level between me and W has pretty much cooled off. As stated before she is the one who was betrayed twice while married and three times while dating prior to engagement. I admitted everything to her about my affairs, she never asked, i offered because I could not take the lying anymore. She is also basically not happy with my general conduct over the past few years. I have made the steps to try and change. I have met with a counselor (on my own), made a list and read it to her of how I am going to change, reading how to survive affair, posting here everday, and have began to change my life over the past month since I confessed to her. <BR>I had a hard time admitting the whole truth to her before, and actually wrote down everything I needed to tell her so I would not stumble my words and lie anymore. The problem with this was that I continued to dump "things" on her and it was hard for her to know exactly what she was thinking. Now that I have everything out in regards to any encounters with other women she thinks there will be more, and I don't blame her. No there is not anymore women to tell her about.<BR>In the beginning when I told her she had said her main concern was keeping the family together even though she felt "forced." She said she does not romantically love me now and can't even touch me or kiss me. I understand that and have given her space and not forced any issues. She told me that there is a "slim" chance this will work, but at least I have a chance. <BR>She talks about the future with our family such as refinancing the house (which she just did), going on family vacation in a few months, and plans for the kids school next year (they go to private school and we had planned to change anyway). <BR>Last night she came at me with discussion which I welcomed and answered her questions. She had never came across to me as angry while this whole deal has went on, last night she had fire in her eyes and when she looked at me it is just as if looks could kill I would be dead. She told me "I am going to open your mail, look at credit card statements, I want to know where you are all the time, if I have to have you followed I will do it." She then said "I don't want to live like that, but if I have to I will." <BR>I just can't figure her out or how to respond without a dumbfounded look on my face. She then said "I don't know what I want to do, I can't even think about ever having sex with you again." "I think about this 99% of the day, and I am getting tired." She had said in the past she did not want to speak to a professional (counselor) unitl she had all her thoughts straight and a chance to at least digest some of what happened. Basically she feels as if 16 years (that is how long we have been together)of her life are destroyed and she can't believe the person I am and that she allowed herself to have children with me. She then told me that she does plan on talking with someone (counselor) once her thoughts are at least digested and will seek some advice as what to do. She told me right out she does have some contigency plans in place, but did not elaborate. I had told her before it sometimes seems like she is "setting" me up for something, but she told me last night, "just so you know, I am NOT setting you up for anything, I won't hurt you like that." <BR>Basically, what I am feeling now is that I don't know what to see in her. One day she appears to talk about our future, but then in the next sentence she says things about leaving.<BR>I have told her that all I think about is her with another man, and it makes me ill. Now, I did this to her so I can imagine how she feels when she thinks of me with another woman. After I told her that she looked me directly in the eye with a wierd look and said "You better think of it, because I do all the time. It is going to be some "hottie" with me. I want you to think about that for the rest of your life, every single day." This came across as very mean spirited, not anything like she has acted throughout this entire situation.<BR>Any thoughts?????

Yup<P>Roller Coaster. An evil one.<P>If you want the best description of how a betrayed person feels, it is in After the Affair by Janis Spring. I think I read it close to two months after discovery and it was a relief to know my feelings were normal.<P>Up to that point, I honestly thought I was going insane.<P>And she talks about how tiring it is? It is, it is emotionally draining, especially when you have to go on living your life.<P>I used to wake up and for a split second wonder why I had a sick feeling, then it would all flood over me. I was actually surprised when my feet would walk and my mouth would talk.<P>My personal time table was 4 1/2 months before I even began feeling a bit like myself and not like a lunatic woman (even though I looked and acted normal)<P>Almost a year before I didn't think about it 24/7...and then I would only have an hour break now and then.<P>I have now passed the two year mark and it has been the last six months that I have really felt better.<P>Personally I think it is good your wife can express anger. I was angry alone and I think it slowed down healing.<P>It is kind of interesting that your wife wants to get her thoughts together before she gets counseling. I actually lurked at this sight until about that 4 1/2 month mark when I started to feel better and then started posting. Many times newly betrayed people come here at the beginning and leave when they are a bit better. It must be a function of personality. I did read anything about affairs and marriage that I could get my hands on, but then again, if my H had been more proactive instead of just being sorry, maybe I wouldn't have been as driven as I was.<P>Long ago there was a long post on how it felt to be betrayed. If I can find it, I'll post the link.<P>My intent is not to make you feel bad, but you seem to be trying to understand how your wife feels...<P>It ain't pretty!<P>That doesn't mean that you won't get through this...and what SHE does, does not alter the changes you want to make for yourself and your children. You are going to change anyway...right?

OK...I can't find the post, but if you really want some answers, start a post that asks how it feels to be betrayed, then a variety of personality types and situations would answer.