How many of you betrayed spouses have gotten to the point where you say, ENOUGH?<P>My H has had an affair (emotional) and another (physical) and we've been through counseling. We've taken all of the right steps, and I still cannot get what he's done out of my mind. I don't ever think I will. What kind of a mindset must one have to get over this? I almost would rather be alone. Why is being alone such a bad thing anyway?

Yes, I have got to that point, after two years. I love H and miss him terribly but it is OK on my own - in fact I quite enjoy the freedom. I also worry very much that if H and I ever did get back together the "baggage" would be too hard to overcome. Unless of course he was 100% committed to recovery - including counselling. But I dont think that will ever hapen.<P>R

That's it...<P>...you've reached the point of Plan B!<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

I want to thank both of you for responding <P>I guess I have to say that I had to vent last night. My husband lied to me yesterday (a lie about finances) and it seems when he lies, that I totally regress. It feels as if I can't trust him <I>all over again</I>. If he'll lie about the little stuff so well, what else will he lie about? It's really important to have that trust factor, no matter how insignificant the lie seems to him, it's so important to be honest about everything to me. He's told these little lies lately, and I just can't understand why he feels he would have to do this? I'm trying to impress upon him the importance of total truth, I also know that I need to make it a positive when he does tell the truth, instead of a negative. He's only trying to avoid conflict, I know. I guess we just need to understand one another better. Tonight he fell asleep at 7:00, so I covered him up with a blanket (he's not feeling well) and kissed him on the forehead. I love him, and know I volley, but I still reel from what's happened. Thanks for letting me vent.

Ah ... the difficulty of teaching a conflict avoider how to be honest. They seem to believe that avoiding truth is not lying. Lies of omission are not really lies, and if the omitted truths might have created conflict, then the omission is surely justified!<P>One thing I have been told by many (well, at least those who have come to know me and realize that I am NOT insane ) is that I am the most patient person they know. I was not always patient, it is something I have learned and continually struggle with. In the past, I always had to be right, always justified... I have said this here before: There is nothing THAT important that I must be RIGHT about...<P>I can tell you that the one thing you said is probably the most important thing of all now: <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I also know that I need to make it a positive when he does tell the truth, instead of a negative.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Keep that in mind - encourage and reward truth instead of punishing untruth - and I think you will make great strides together. Remember that affairs breed lies - he has been living a life of lies and needs to re-learn how to be truthrul. You can help him, and things will get better.<P>I am happy for you that you are together and both of you are working on recovery.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by terri:<BR><B>Ah ... the difficulty of teaching a conflict avoider how to be honest. They seem to believe that avoiding truth is not lying. Lies of omission are not really lies, and if the omitted truths might have created conflict, then the omission is surely justified!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Wow, you really hit the nail on the head with that one. And you're right about rewarding truthfulness instead of punishing. This is one that I'm definitely having to work on. <P>If I can learn to address the conflicts in a more constructive way, it won't be so tempting for him to try and lie about it. It's a fine line, though. I guess we both have a lot to work on.<P>Thanks, terri. You have marvelous insight.