Hi,<P>First of all, thank you to all the people who have posted responses to my postings. I am reading SAA right now, and just trying to change day by day. I have made an action plan on the request of my wife, of how I am going to change. So, all seemed to be going about as normal as possible, which was OK.<P>Last night we were having a conversation, as we try to every day. For the first time ever, I heard her say "I don't love you." She said she cares about me as a human being and because I am the father of her children, but that is about it. <P>I know, and I am not looking for sympathy, but I was just crushed. Maybe I knew she didn't love me right now, and that I may get a chance in the future to love her, but just hearing those words floored me. I know it is nothing compared to the pain I caused her, but I have to fight back for myself now and continue to be a supportive H, and someone who can change. <P>I realize there will be times when she will lash out with anger, and I just have to learn to handle it in a manner which does not create more problems. The past couple days have been a little stressfull (not that they were not before, and will be again)but there is a realization in both of our thoughts that there may have to be a life away from each other. I think we are both grieving our old life, and wonder how it could ever be good again. <P>Well, that is it for now. Thanks again everyone.

Dear Opdam,<P> There can be a life together also,and a love and marriage far greater than in the past. <P> Prayers to you and your wife,beth

Opdam - most of us have heard those words in one form or another. The most popular version is, "I'm not IN love with you anymore."<P>She's following the script.<P>WAT

Opdam,<BR>I heard those words this morning from my wife, along with the statement that she was never ever passionately in love with me, and she "settled" when she married me 10 years ago. She now knows that there is more out there and therefore wants a divorce. <P>Talk about being crushed...I know right where your at ...<BR>Hang in there...it isn't easy as I am finding out.<BR>~Mike~

Opdam and mbtrk - guys, we've all heard it. I know it's hard, but can you believe you shouldn't take it personally? That's right. These creatures are not your spouses, they are not the ladies you married, and they definitely should not be taken seriously! Think about them as having been abducted by aliens and having their brains scrambled.<P>It's hard a hell to hear, but try to let it slide. <P>WAT

I would guess she means...<P>"I don't feel love for you, right now."<P>She may assume all these crushing emotions she feels right now will NEVER end and she will ALWAYS feel the same way.<P>I wouldn't focus on it right now. Just keep on your plan.

I'm not sure that everyone here is remembering that opdam is (WAS) the wayward spouse.<P>opdam, it IS crushing - but you realize that it is a reaction you asked for by having affair(s). And you have to realize that it is something that can and will change if you do keep to the plans you make with her, and keep to the plans here. SAA gives you most if not all of the tools you need to renew your wife's trust and love. Use them and follow the path laid out by the book. Treat your wife with love and eventually the holes you've made in that love bank will heal up and you'll start making some interest on your deposits...<P>Hopefully, in a short time (in recovery time, that means several months or more, don't forget - you didn't get to this place in a day or two, it ain't gettin' better in a day or two either) you will hear "I am feeling so much in love with you again."<P>Hang in there. You have come to a place that most of the betrayed here WISH that their spouses would come to - realization that what they did is wrong and horribly hurtful... It will get better.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Teri and everyone else,<P>Thanks for the encouragement. It was tough to come here first off since I was the WS. I have learned that I can change, and will do everything possible to do so.<P>I work hard everyday and pray like you would not believe. I know I am married to the most wonderful woman and mother in the world. I can never imagine what hurt I caused her, and can only see what others write about the pain. I can also see it in her eyes and actions. When she does smile, I try to harness it and keep that in my head. <P>I have questioned myself many times as to how I could have done this to the one I love the most. I can only say that I hate who I was and will be better in the future. With some faith, hope, and luck we will fall in love together again.<P>Thank you all again...... <P>

Good Morning Opdam,<BR>It seems that we are in the same place except for the fact that my sife is the WS. You see I can forgive her for what she has done, because I know that I contributed to the problem. She on the other hand says that we are too different and that I am not the right person for her. She wants a solemate...and thinks that she has found one I guess.<P>I hope that your wife finds the love in her heart to forgive and give you another chance...I can only pray that mine will. <P>Everyday that this goes on, it becomes harder to be optimistic. <P>Hang in there my friend...and good luck.<P>~Mike~

Opdam,<P>"I don't love you. I don't even <I>like</I> you!" <P>I said those words to my WS/H. And I know I meant them with my whole being at the time. <P>But my, how things can change!<P>He kept saying he loved me till one day when I wasn't really paying attention, I forgot myself and just automatically parroted the words back. We were both shocked, we looked at eachother, then I said--"That's not fair, it was an accident!" But it was too late, my H was grinning from ear to ear and doing a little "She loves me! She loves me-ee-ee!" dance. <P>That's when I realized I was consciously choosing not to love him for my own protection but subconsciously I never stopped loving him.<P>In our 9th month of recovery. Hang in there and do the right things!<P> <BR>

Hello Opdam,<BR>I think I said a few things like that...and I truly meant all of them. Yep, major LBs from me, but they just flowed right out of my mouth.<BR>I am sorry that you are hurt. But the truth is, at this moment, your wife does not feel the same loving feelings for you that she used to have. She is in gross pain. <BR>You need to understand that this is incredibly painful tot he betrayed spouse. She hurts, and she is sharing her feelings with you. <BR>You really need to focus on MB prinicples, be very careful what and how you say things. NO LBs at all!!! I know it is really hard, but you can do it.