My W and I had another talk today. I know I've hurt her over the years (we've been married 7 1/2) by not listening and not giving her what she needs. I know how to fix that now. She doesn't believe me. She's reading SAA and still sees NO HOPE. She doesn't want to try, she has no energy or hope to try. This is what she's telling me.<P>She doesn't believe that more time will solve anything. From what I understand, she believes that even if we try for another 1-2 years, 1-2 years later, we'll be right where we are now. <P>If you have ever felt this ZERO HOPE kind of way towards your spouse, but now you're in a happy marriage with that spouse, please tell me what happened. What can/should <I>I</I> do when I want so much to rebuild with her and no one else, but she sees no hope and has no drive to try? Please share your stories and ideas. I need you guys right now. <P>------------------<BR>Bill<BR>~~~~<BR>Remember the truth that once was spoken, "To love another person is to see the face of God."

I think you are in one of the down moods that strike us out of nowhere. You know what is required, based on your reading here. Plan A. You can't change it overnight, and there is no guarantee, but all you can do is try your best.<P>When they are in the fog, there is never any hope. They all say the same things. So you simply can't expect anything else. The only way is to show her, and that takes time. She's not going to just believe that you will change because you tell her that.<P>So I'd suggest just doing your best, and not asking for the answers from her, because you know what the answers are going to be.<P>Hang in there.

I don't know if this will help you at all, but I know that what you describe is what my husband feels. Now I know how much I hurt him during my depression, but I've been treated for it and have made major strides over the last two years and feel that I have become a strong, independent and patient woman - just what I was when we met.<P>I have not been able to understand why he will not try to make our marriage work once again (he is the betrayer). It is not because he is so in love with the slug - there are many signs that he is not, and based on what I know about her, and on what I know (or thought I knew?) about him, is never likely to be in love with her. But a woman I am working with told me the story of her second marriage (first one was to an abusive man who she divorced)...<P>Her husband had a thriving business and had invested a lot in its expansion. She worked with him and supported him even when it started to fail. He became depressed. He would lash out at her. He would be angry with her. Even though what was happening was of no fault of hers. And finally, she left one day to go to the store and never went home again.<P>Since then, he has gotten treatment for his depression and has changed and improved himself. He wants to try again. But she won't do it. He pushed her to a point of no return, she says, and she cannot go back.<P>I have debated whether or not to tell her about my marriage and where it is right now - same place she left hers at a couple of years ago. Only I am in her husband's place, and she is in my husband's place (she didn't leave him for someone else, but she is now with someone else). But she "knows" it could never work.<P>I know this story is not encouraging... it made me think and when I thought about it, I cried, realizing that there was a very great possibility that I had driven my husband past his point of no return for real...<P>I wish I could offer more than this, but keep in mind that many of those here working in recovery, success stories, have heard the very same words from the lips of their spouses in the past: It can never work out again - I can never love you again... <P>And look where some of them are now - happier than ever, and more successful in their marriages than they were before infidelity struck their lives. Because they KNOW how to make it work now. And how to protect against infidelity in the future.<BR><P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

I'm sorry I don't know more about your story. I'm uncertain as to whether you are the BS or the WS. Perhaps it doesn't really matter...as sometimes it seems we all have so much in common regardless of what "role" we play.<P>I am one who didn't want to try. I was so tired. So weary. So at the end of my rope. I didn't think anything would ever make any of this better. I was completely and utterly HOPELESS.<P>And, yet, amazingly my H and I are 15 months into recovery.<P>What helped? The fact that my H took me by the hands, lifted up my chin so that I was looking straight into his eyes, when he said to me: "Marie, if you need to give up, then you go ahead and you give up. But, I'm telling you right now, TODAY, that I WILL NEVER GIVE UP ON US...I WILL LIVE AND BREATHE EACH AND EVERY DAY FIGHTING TO WIN BACK YOUR LOVE."<P>Today, I bought him a new wedding band!<P>Peace to you and your wife.<P>~Marie<P>------------------<BR>"If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars." ~unknown