I don’t really know where to start, at the beginning I guess. I’m a male 42 years old married for 8 years to the most wonderful woman in the world.<BR>You probably wont think I’m so wonderful though, I sure don’t!<BR> It happened starting 2 years ago, I met a younger woman and had an affair, it lasted about 6 months. It was an emotional affair only. I never at any time could have ever let it get physical. My wife found out and it stopped, at least for 6 months. I couldn’t let go of the other woman, in my mind anyway. I began calling her again, I told myself I would only call her never see her in person, and I never did. I talked to her on and off for 6 months feeling guilty as hell that I was doing this behind my wife’s back. I ended it with the other woman after realizing what I felt for her was not real and that I loved my wife more than ever, and have not contacted her since, which has been 8 months now. I felt I needed to come clean with my wife so I told her, now I wonder if honesty is such a good thing. She was hurt bad enough the first time, now hurt all over again. I swore to myself I would never ever do anything like this again, and that still stands! You all need to understand, I love my wife more than life itself, not only did I hurt her but myself as well with what I did, it’s probably going to sound odd but I never fell out of love with my wife and never wanted to through all this. I hurt the trust she ever had in me and hurt her as well. For 8 months I have been doing all any human being could ever do to try to save my family. About 4 weeks ago (3 days before X-mas) I found out that she was having an affair of her own, which had been going on for about 5 months. I was pretty cool about it considering the way I am. We talked and she told me that I had hurt her so badly that she turned to someone else. This someone else is a married man 4 years older than her, they have been corresponding for 5 months and have seen each other like 5 times, so my wife tells me? I can only go by what she tells me. Now I’m fighting to get her back, she is not ready to stop seeing the other man, so I’m doing all I can to be here for her living in the same house. I don’t know if anyone out there has ever done what I’m doing, my wife says its something she could never do and I’m not so sure I can either. But I’m doing my best. A week ago I was pressuring her to make a choice, you see she still loves me along with the other man. She actually chose me; I’ve never been so relived or felt so good in my entire life. You need to understand, I love and need my wife more than anything in the world.<BR> We had like three really good days, and then all hell broke loose. She had a bad dream and then something at work reminded her of him and out the window I went! We had a big fight and I moved out to a motel. I’ve never in my life felt so much pain. I couldn’t handle it! This woman I love so much is someone I feel I can’t live without. I spent the next 3 or 4 days either at the motel or in the bar, (the bar when it was open) Drinking I thought would help, I needed to escape reality and turned to the booze to do it, this did not help, the more I drank the more it hurt and the more I missed her. I wrote her note after note and would go to the house and drop them off while she was at work. One day she left me a note, she talked about how nice and understanding the other man was, and that she felt so much for him, well that was about all I could take. I pretty much lost it, I wrote letters to my family and made out a will. I could take no more, yes I was going to check out, end my life. I called her and I was just a bit upset and she knew it, she came home before I could leave and do what I was going to do. Thank god she calmed me down or you all wouldn’t be reading this. I’m now living here at home and trying to give my wife the space she needs to figure out what she needs to do with her life, you see she still loves me but is stuck between him and I. She calls him or he calls her at least once a day, and then at night they talk on ICQ. And E-mail each other back and forth. I have a real big problem in dealing with her having anything to do with him, I love her so much and it hurts so bad to know she’s talking to him. Can anyone tell me how to try to deal with this better than I am already, which is not very good. I’m here doing all I can do to try to make her happy, is this wrong? Is what I’m doing wrong? I don’t know how to deal with it at times, like today, she has gone off for the day and I don’t dare ask any questions. I don’t know if she’s with him or what. If she is I really don’t want to know, she has told me she is still going to see him, to know would be too much to handle.<BR> I need some help, can anyone shed some light on what I should or shouldn’t do here, or has anyone ever gone through this before how can give me some advise. I’m so afraid of loosing my wife because she is my world and I<BR>don’t know if I could ever stand to be without her. I can’t let go not even a little, I’ve tried already and it only made it hurt worse. I told her that no matter what she does I’d not hold anything against her. You see the worst part of all of this is it’s all my fault, everything started with my mistake and now I have only myself to blame for all that’s happened, my shoulders aren’t big enough to handle it all. To blame myself for not only what I did but for what she’s doing as well is harder than anything in the world. I asked that she be vary careful in the decisions that she makes, because I told her she doesn’t want to end up in the same boat that I’m in, I wish that on NO ONE!<BR>I’m not so sure anyone can help, but if anyone has any input at all it would be greatly appreciated.<BR> Thank you for your time. <BR> Mr.MGR or Better Yet Mr. SCREW UP<BR>

Sorry that you are going through this. Know that you are not alone...there are many of us going through very similar situations. This site is what helps most of us stay reasonably grounded throughout this stuff.<P>You'll probably get a welcome post from NSR, but in the meantime, please check out his general welcome post. It is in the Just Found Out forum, and is titled something like "General Welcome to all New Builders". That contains links to the important information that you need to start working on saving your marriage.<P>In a nutshell, you need to start Plan A, which is about making you better, and trying to meet her needs, while not doing any love busters (read about that). It doesn't happen overnight, but through time you can win this. An affair is a fantasy (as you know), so when this starts to wear off, you want to look like the best option for her.<P>You'll discover that after you post here for a bit, you get to know people's stories, and we all help each other get through these horrible situations we are in. So post as much as you want, but please read the stuff pointed to in NSRs link.<P>You should order His Needs/Her Needs, and Surviving An Affair, both from this site. They are excellent books. I would also recommend that you have a couple of counselling sessions with Steve Harley. That will help you alot. He puts things into perspective.<P>Take care of yourself, and know that there are a whole bunch of people here that care what happens to you, and we all help each other.

Mr. Nighthawk ...... take a deep breath ..... and slooooow down.<BR> <BR>Nothing has to get done pronto.<BR> <BR>This is a process and you are about to be re-born. It will be painful, and confusing, and messy ... just like an actual birth. There will be moments of elation, followed by absolute terror.... ~ a rollercoaster ride ~ for sure.<P>Keep a journal. Start today or tomorrow. Write daily. Never forget what you are grateful for. Make a list of gratitudes daily ~~~ every day list 5 things you are grateful for. You will lessen your dispair this way.<BR> <BR>Every day write what you have "learned' about yourself, YOUR truths...(I'll get you started: YOU learned you cannot get 'insight' looking at the bottom of a liquor bottle!)..... believe it or not, the self-awareness you gain is the key to finding your way back into your wifes' heart. Find yourself first ..... then you will have someone 'real' to offer your wife.<P>You sound like you have "no idea" why you had the EA with the younger woman. Start there. Learn to take an honest inventory of who you are and what motivates you. THINK upon and STUDY yourself.<P>Become so insightful, optimistic, and self-assured that your wife simply cannot resist you.<P>Peace and patience to you.<P>Also ....... it's OK to vent from time to time. We've all been there, done that.<P>------------------<BR>~*~*Yesterday~*~*<BR>all my problems seemed so far away~*

Yesterday has VERY wise advice for you...<P>However there is something very disturbing about the choice your wife has made: <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>This someone else is a married man<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Has she ever once thought about the other man's WIFE? I know it would probably be a love buster for sure, but perhaps a reminder that there is another WIFE involved in this mess might make her stop and think for a minute. Then again, a person in an affair is generally in a very selfish place - and it will be difficult to reach her there.<P>What a mess you have on your hands, nighthawk!<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Welcome <B>nighthawk</B>...<P>(Thanks again Rick...)<P><B>nighthawk</B>... there is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P><B>You are not alone</B>!<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

Terri, Thanks for your reply!<BR>I did talk to her about him having a wife and asked her if she forgot what kind of pain the other woman in my affair brought onto her, she hated her for doing what she did becouse she thought my being married should have stopped her. Well your vary rite about one thing, SELFISH is the word!!!<BR>She now makes excuses for what she's doing to make it ok even though he has a wife. <BR>I'm not going to give up, I'm giving 200% to saving this marrage, if I do end up loosing her to him at least I hope I can live with myself for trying my best!!!<BR>Thanks,nighthawk....

Nighthawk, You have been given great advice so far. Take your time, be good to yourself. find out who you really are. What was missing in your life to make you seek out someone? What is your wife missing too? You can understand the hurt she felt now. You can learn from others or from you own experience. What you learn from experience hurts, but becomes a part of you. Learn, Feel, Apply it to your life. This way you don't have to repeat the lesson later. The hardest thing to do is not feel like a victim. There are things put upon us and things we freely choose. I felt better when I came to the conclusion My wife wasn't doing things to hurt me, but so she could feel better. Don't be selfish, work on yourself, make yourself the best man you can be. If you want make your marriage work plan A, no LBing, and be patient. "It's hard to resist kicking the ball around when it is in her court".<BR>Keep posting, I want to hear how things are going. We all care. .D. <BR>

Daniel,thanks for your reply.Your rite about the ball! Time is so hard,each day seems like a week. The biggest problem I have is she thinks this is more than just an affair.I guess only time will tell.I'm giving 200% to her and to saving this marrage,I'm not giving up.....<BR>Thanks again,nighthawk..

BAD DAY!! <BR>Could someone please tell me how to keep my mouth shut and not ask questions I really don't want to know the ansures to!!!!<BR>My wife was out most of the day yestarday and when she returned home I "Mr. Stupid" asked<BR>her if she had been with HIM,She said YES!Off the wall I go! I can put up with the phone and the net thing but I really have this big problem with her seeing him,I told her I would not ask,but for some reason I did? I think I wanted to hear her say NO, this would have been nice. I think I learned my lesson on asking, but for some reason I feel I'll ask again, why do I need to know so badly? All it does is tear me in half!For me theres nothing worse than picturing them together. Now I have gone so far as to tell her to lie to me about it if I ever get stupid enough to ask again, I don't think that was to smart eather!I have no clue what to do to deal with this better.....does anyone have a clue??????<BR>nighthawk....

Hi Nighthawk,<BR>it has been almost 4 months since my wife dropped the bomb about divorce. It was 2 months into it before I found this place. I did major LB during the first 2-3 months of all this. Now I'm trying to break those habits and just be her friend and let her see that I'm a pretty good guy.<P>The problem is, is that her walls are so high right now I don't have a ladder big enough to reach the top. She says that she has nothing left to give and won't go to counciling. There is nothing left.<P>It is very discouraging to have to sit and listen to her talk about divorce. She has been out of the house now for 2 weeks. Her affair was emotional(at least that's what I hope) and I guess from talking to people that is worse than physical. It kills me to think that she couldn't talk to me about what was missing in our relationship and went someplace else. <P>She doesn't believe that you can create romantic love...it just happens. So anything to do with this site is crazy according too her. So far for me...it's the only thing I've read that makes sense.<P>Order SAA and HNHN from this site. They are great books.<P>It hurts every day and I miss her terribly. <BR>Sometimes (like yesterday) when I talk to her, I get the feeling that there is no hope at all. Then I see all of the people here that have been trying for months on end. Some have pretty good success storys. I try to stay away from the ones that don't. It's too depressing. I have top have some hope that she will get rid of the worms running around her brain and come to her senses. I try to take it one day at a time.<P>Talking to Steve Harley has helped put things in perspective. You may want to try it. He's a nice guy.<P>Know that the people here are great and keep posting. It helps to know that you are not alone.<P>~Mike~

You are not responsible for your wife's choices. She may use that as her excuse, but it is not the truth. I'm not sure I would put it to her that way; that's more something you should tuck away within yourself so that you'll quit blaming yourself for something she chose to do (and still chooses). <P>As for suicide, lemme ask you....have you ever been traveling an unfamiliar road--say, on vacation---and gone around a bend in the road where what unfolds before you is a beautiful green valley, or perhaps a majestic mountain vista, pr maybe even an ocean or a lake? You didn't know that was waiting for you 'round that bend and you think to yourself how lucky for you to be traveling that road so that you could see it.<P>The analogy is that even if your particular road isn't all that pleasant right now, there is something around the bend up ahead, that---IF YOU COULD SEE IT NOW--you wouldn't want to miss. Of course, you CAN'T see it now because you haven't been around the bend. But it's there, and checking out of life too early will prevent you from seeing what you surely don't want to miss.<P>Or so it seems to me anyway!<P>Ivory

Ivory, THANK YOU! you know your rite,I'm not responsible for what she did and is still doing,I'm taking all the blame and it's to to much to handle. Time to share the blame a bit ha!And your rite about the bend in the road (I HOPE). Things look to say the least not to good today,I want to talk about things and she's not wanting to listen. I hate the feeling of being so alone, thank all of you for helping me with that,I'm not alone anymore! It's been a really bad weekend for me with her going to see HIM yestarday,and me like a fool had to ask her if thats where she was,of course the ansure was yes! Thats the hardest thing for me, to know she is seeing him.She will do anything in her power to protect him and nothing to protect me! It's a man thing I think,but I so much want to confront him to settle THIS! But my wife told me if I so much as call him she will never speek to me again, and that she will hate me, so I told her I never would.My hands are tied for now anyway!<BR>Thank you again for your help,It really helped me today,at least you people care enough to talk to me.That part will probrably come up missing when my wife gets on here and sees it!<BR>Thank's again!<BR>nighthawk...

Just something to add to my orignal post,<BR>a week ago I got to pushing and she desided to drop him and be with me, the TWO DAYS that it lasted were so wonderfull.Then a bad dream and something at work that reminded her of him put it all in the trash bin again.<BR>Now I'm back to square one! Starting all over again!!!!<BR>nighthawk...

I would like to thank all of you for your help in my time of need! I got to the point where I could NOT deal with her seeing HIM any longer! So I did the BAD thing,I made her choose! Well I new the answer before it came out of her mouth, She chose HIM!!!<BR>I had no choise it was to much to handle, so now she has let go of me and I need to figure out a way to do the same. This will be the hardest thing Iv'e ever done!!!<BR>Sometimes the love is so STRONG that it's impossable to just sit back put on a happy face while your being hurt SO BAD! I wish I could have, but it was destroying me, my self presorvation would not allow that! I'll let you all know how thing turn out, again THANK ALL OF YOU FOR HELPING ME!! It's a wonderfull thing to have such carring people in the world, and on these boards. I will try in any way to be of help to others on the boards as well.<BR>nighthawk....