When I lost a child to a miscarriage, I was utterly devastated . . . 6 years and I still cannot think about it without deep sadness . . . the infidelity of my H was even more devastating--something I did not think possible; that anything could be more painful than death . . . <P>It is 3 mos. since D-day and altho we are making remarkable progress in recovery, I feel a heavy weight and a profound sadness in my broken heart . . . <P>I feel numb, hollow and empty. I am on antidepressants--which do help with the occasional panic attacks that creep up on me.<P>Do you ever get your "joy" back again? Do you ever laugh again, deep down, with pure abandon? Smile, without it being forced?<P>I realize that I am lucky; my H's affair was very brief and he did not go through withdrawal towards the OW as he knew on D-day that he was not in love with her, and that he did love me deeply. He ended the relationship with her immediately. He is remorseful, repentant, tender, loving and does everything he possibly can to reassure me that he deeply regrets this wretched mistake . . . he and I have read through SAA, HNHN, countless posts from the archives here.<P>He is very concious of my feelings, and frequently asks how I am feeling and what he can do to help me work through all this--to the point of exhaustion for him from all the late night discussions we have--<P>And, tho I feel deep down that all of our joint efforts at recovery are helping and "working", I find I still feel dead inside, worthless and unimportant, insecure . . .<P>Some of this, I believe, is in part due to the fact that because of employment contracts, my H is obligated to continue working in the same office, altho their contact is extremely brief, and strictly work related; he always tells me the details of their interactions so that I know what's going on. This weighs on me greatly and is something I cannot seem to break free from.<P>It is my H's intent (through JPOA) to move away as soon as the contract is terminated, which I suppose will bring closure to this chapter of our lives . . .<P>But, for now, I feel like I'm adrift at sea, with land nowhere in sight, and doomed to eventually drown in grief . . . <P>I have confessed to H that altho I would never "take" my own life, most days I wish I would just die, to escape this pain.

SH,<BR>Yep...It is VERY hard to get through these early months. I don't know your whole story, but, just jumping in here like this, I can tell you that is will get better, If you continue to move forward. Don't worry if you go backwards, or have some bumps in the road, that is very normal because you have to learn how to trust again, go through the differnt stages that you don't even know about yet (mentally), get your confidence and self esteem back, and heal as best you can.<P>You can read my post a week ago, I am a success story, and my Husband and I are in our third year of recovery, I don't think that the length of their "Bad Brain Period" makes a difference, the devistation is just as bad. <P>Him moving to a new job will make a BIG difference...you will feel a big relief. You are very lucky that he has all those feelings for you and is showing how much he still loves you...I was lucky like that too! It is real and it will continue. He is with you and you are working on this together. GREAT!<P>There is sooooo much for you to look forward to..you will make new memories, and these old ones, although still haunting you, will fade. <P>Like I said in my success post, and I won't lie to you...you will always have some pain, the more you love someone, the more it hurts. He will always have the guilt, but you will make it. <P>Marriage is alot of work... My Husband says he is feeling the rewards of what he is doing now. We have a deeper togetherness, he felt what it is like to almost loose what he had and REALLY wanted. <P>It is harder for US to get over the OW then it is for them to. They can put it behind them, make it go away, it is up to YOU, when YOU are ready, to not keep making him remember, by YOU bringing it up. That takes time...alot of time.<P>I hope this helps...I don't post here anymore, but I do read once in a while and my heart went out to you....I remember being where you are....but I can say, even though I still have my "moments"...I really like being here now...you will get here too!<P>AH <BR>-----<BR>TIME

Sad Heart,<BR>I agree with Almost Happy..It is harder for us to get over it. After two years of being with the ow, my husband is finally coming back home to me. I know that trusting him again is a chance that I must take if I want our marriage to work. It isn't going to be easy, but hey I think that being alone without him was much harder. I still feel sad sometimes...I wish this hadn't happened to me, but it did and I'm doing my best to stay positive and to focus on the future and not the past. <BR>God bless you!<BR>lonesome<BR>

Sad Heart,<BR>It does hurt real bad. Sometimes the pain is overwhelming. But it does lessen, I promise. With that old word we have learned to hate-- TIME. <P>It has been 3 years now since my H and I have been rebuilding our marriage. I know the pain you are feeling. Your discovery is still new, although I know at times 3 months may seem like a lifetime ago. I remember thinking "Now I know what people are talking about when they mention a broken heart." I literally felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest and torn, shredded. To take a breath hurt. I told my H it would have been far more compassionate and merciful to have just killed me. At least the pain would have been instantaneous and over. And I meant it. <P>The pain will subside. Not go away completely but it will ease day by day, week by week. Eventually you will realize you can think about it without that gutwrenching ache. And you will start to laugh again. Maybe not with the same total carefree abandon you once had but with a new appreciation for what you have now. <P>[This message has been edited by Nerlycrzy (edited January 28, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by Nerlycrzy (edited January 28, 2001).]

It gets better, it does. it's so fresh and new for you, give yourself lots of time. Close to the one year mark in recovery I was able to say that the "deep" sadness was gone. Does it still hurt,more than a year and a half later? Yep,but not nearly as bad. Hang in there and enjoy the blessings of recovery!

Thank you all for your replies. They were so very comforting. . . and give me a great deal of hope that what my H and I have learned from this will helps us continue to grow together, toward each other, instead of apart. We have made tremendous progress and I feel very fortunate for that.

Dear Sad,<P>I cried as I read your letter. You put into words everything I am feeling. Ironically, I too have been felt the devastation of losing a child, that will haunt me forever. In addition, my husband and I recently lost his mother to cancer. She had been sick for 9 years, and succumbed at home in hospice care. It was very tough on us all, and I attribute my husbands poor choices to it (at least paritally).<P>In some ways I feel very foolish after reading some of the hell that other people have endured. My husband did not have a physical affair. He was talking with and engaging in a cyber affair with a cyber slut.(Can you tell I am angry?). She contacted him online while he was playing a "game". It started out as talking, and eventually she offered to "please" him. We had had a very difficult year and were not "together" very often and fought ALOT. I accept my part for making him unhappy, and had pleaded with him to go to a therapist with me. He insisted that all was okay, and that things would get better. Well they did for him! I sat in my den watching him in the sliding glass doors, knowing that he was up to something, but everytime I stood up to walk over to the computer, he would "erase" all the evidence, and tell me he had been talking to so and so and that they had signed off. The fact that he did this under my nose, makes it that much harder to accept. He admits that that added to the thrill for him. <P>I know all contact has ceased, I do not believe there was ever any real feelings exchanged. But there lies part of my problem. He put our 15 year marriage, and 4 children at risk for NOTHING!!. I am having a terrible time trying not to think about seeing him typing, looking over his shoulder, letting some slut turn him on. Like I said I realize that this may seem tame compared to some of the very sad stories I have read on here. But my pain is real. I have been with my husband since high school, and the one thing I was always sure of was that he would always be true. I know that his mother's loss was devestating to him, but it does not lessen the anguish I feel. I spent 3 months bathing, feeding and keeping company with a woman I had known and loved for 20 years, I did that not only for her (and me) , but for my husband. I feel betrayed. <P>He has been a wonderful husband since then, very attentive, supportive, and patient. I have suffered from anxiety attacks from this and he has been there for me. I believe his desire to save our marriage. But I fear a lifetime without trust. He has told me that he can accept it if I am unable to forgive him, but I don't know if I can. Accept it I mean. I love him so much, and don't want to make his and my life a living hell with the daily tears. WHAT DO YOU DO TO LET IT GO?

Sad Heart,<P>Our d-day was five months ago this week (but whose counting?), not much longer than yours. I would not describe our recovery as "remarkable". Although my H recommitted, he did not act with the resolve that your H has. I, too, went into a deep depression ("reactive", our MC says).<P>Your words, "I still feel dead inside, worthless and unimportant, insecure...", ring very true for me too.<P>If my experience is indicative, things will look up, if only a little, quite soon.<P>About four weeks ago, the depression started to ease. Now, I can honestly say that I am coming out of the depths. Our MC said this week that I was far more "animated" than ever before and that anti-deps are not necessary.<P>I don't know if I will ever "get my joy back or laugh again, deep down, with pure abandon, or smile, without it being forced". But I do know that my feelings of being "adrift at sea, with land nowhere in sight, and doomed to eventually drown in grief" now DO NOT consume my every thought, emotion and breath. At least, that is a start.<P>You will get some relief, slowly; and I promise that it will it start to feel better soon.<P>Please keep us posted.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{Sad Heart}}}}}}}}}}}}}<BR>