Hello all, how are you today? I have a question for those of you who have reconciled after going through plan A and B?<P>My H had an three month affair with a coworker in 1998. On Jan 3/99 her husband caught them and he told me about her. He left that day to be with her and her H had kicked her out. I begged him to stay - but he wasn't "in love" with me anymore.<P>He stayed away for three months during which time I went through hell, we talked, we cried but he always went back to her no matter what. She went back to her husband in one week but continued sleeping with mine for three more months. <P>I laid out ultimatements (sp?) and recanted everyone of them. The children and I moved out of our home and into a new house while she waited in her car for us to be gone - he promised me that she wouldn't be around that day. He moved her into our home on our 12th anniversary after he promised me that he wouldn't spend that day with her. We made plans to go out and really talk while our son was at cub camp (we could be alone and really explore things) he didn't show up that night and when I went to find out why she was there. I called him one Sunday and said enough I want out - he said it was over between them - I drove by with our son two hours later and she was there - I banged on the door and we had a big arguement and he came home with me. He got fired shorty after this. <P>Six weeks after reconciliation (while he still couldn't sleep with me) and was not seeing her during the day anymore I caught them together - just talking they say - after I clearly told him if he ever spoke to her again it was over. I recanted then too.<P>You see where this is going? What about my pride now I feel like he did the hurting and I did the working, he was allowed to see her all he wanted and show up here whenever he wanted and ditch me to be with her and I would welcome him wiht open arms.<P>It has been two years and we went for counseling - he has made tremendous changes (we both have) and our relationship is great. But deep down inside I am not happy because I am ashamed of the way I handled everything - he should have been fighting for me not the other way around - I should have slammed the door in his face everytime he was with her but I didn't - terrified to loose him I guess.<P>How do others deal with this? Because it really bothers me?<BR>thanks

Hi,<BR>It has been two years since d-day for me and my husband and I are just now reconsiling. He also moved her into the house where we were living when the affair started. In the beginning I refused to leave the ranch, because I knew he wanted to move her in there. But because of the isolation the kids and I moved to town and he quickly moved her in...I know exactly what your talking about...He took her down to the ranch when I was still living there but gone visiting my parents...He had promised me that he wouldn't do that...He said she wasn't moving down there with him, but she did...I guess its all part of the addiction and craziness that goes hand in hand with affairs. <BR>So I know what you are saying about self pride...It is a hard one to swallow...but I feel it was worth it if in the end I have my husband back. I feel I am a stronger and better person for having givin up some of my self pride at certain moments...to save my marriage...You should be proud of what you have done...It takes a special person to swallow that pride...so maybe we did have to endure some painful moments and feel like a doormat...but I for one know that I would do it all over again for the same end results. I guess I look at it this way...I am very proud of myself for being able to endure this live shattering experience...So in someway I have retained my self-pride...It was just tromped on a bit during the process. I hope this makes sense to you and is helpful<BR>God Bless<BR>lonesome

You have nothing to be ashamed of. You upheld your vows and saw things thru, through better and through worse. You forgave and were brave enough to risk giving him another chance, to risk being hurt again, when it would have been safer to slam the door and refuse him another chance. Your marriage survived because of your love and strength.<P>Ever read the Bible? Go read the first Corinthians verse on love...it will tell you that love is not proud, it is humble & forgiving. Love endures all things...just as you have.<P>You should be congratulating yourself! Congrats from me--<P>Kathi

You're ashamed for fighting for your marriage & for the man you love? No, no, no!! You should feel proud of yourself for being strong enough to still love him, even though he made terrible mistakes.<P>You said you've both made changes & grown-see good things do come out of these situations sometimes. It's terrible that it sometimes takes something this painful to make us learn & grow.<P>I don't see any of us here as weak, I see us all as very, very strong. Don't let this ruin your future, for yourself & for your H. Yes, he should have been fighting for you, but he wasn't, so you had to fight. You won!<P>Good luck!

Don't put yourself down. You are a hero in my book. It is easy to turn on those you love. It takes real courage to face what you would rather run from. You deserve to be happy now. <BR>I have learned so much I never could have understood before. Hands on lessons are not the easiest way to learn, but you usually don't forget the lesson.<BR>Please be proud of your acomplishment, I am.<P>.D.