Hello all. I felt it was time for an update because I wanted to show that things are getting better.<P>----------<B>The Good</B>----------<P>First off, we (me, my husband, and SIL) went to my church. I think he (husband) liked it. I heard him say in a testimony that he's glad that things are going much better. He's glad that his family (me included) are getting along. He said it's made his life a whole lot easier. I was happy that he was happy.<P>Since the last time I was on here, I apologized to his mother once more for the past. I think she appreciated it. There's no more tension in this house like there was before.<P>----------<B>The Sad</B>----------<P>As far as SIL goes, I am sad for her. She's going thru the same thing I had to go thru but much worse. Her husband is my husband's brother. Her husband lost his job last month and hasn't been working since.<P>I feel bad for her because she's trying so hard to change herself, but at the same time, she's hurting because her husband doesn't want to work and it seems like he doesn't want to be around her (from what I observe). She wants so badly for him to change and she wants him to come to church, but he turns her down with anger and it's hurting her. <P>I feel so bad for her because she had to ride to church with us without her husband or her children. She must have been very lonely.<P>I felt really bad for her because today was the very first time I've ever seen her cry in church while she was talking to my pastor about her husband. I've always seen her as a upbeat, strong person and this is the first time I saw her like that. I felt really bad for her.<P>----------<B>The Bad</B>----------<P>OK, the only real bad thing is that my past is ruining my future. For those of you that didn't know it, I was a (in the words of someone else) "severely abused" child growning up. I will not elaborate on what happened to me, but the problem is that one of my abusers is my mother. She also goes to church with me. My brother also goes. <P>It makes me angry to see her face because she denies everything she's done to me and my brother and tries to tell my pastor that me and my brother are liars.<P>I managed to confront her the Saturday before last and I told her to stay away from my son after all the stuff she did to me. She had the nerve to give me an attitude saying that that's her grandchild and she has a right to see him. If you only knew some of the stuff she did, you would agree with what I told her.<P>Anyway, I made it perfect clear that she is to stay away from him because I'm going to protect my son from her because of what she did to me growing up. <P>Well, I managed to tell her some other stuff she did to me growing up and she denied all of it. It was horrible.<P>I'm going to confront her again soon and I'm going to keep doing it because I'm not going to let her get away with anything anymore.<P>I will be going into counciling (sp?) soon to deal with this and hopefully one day I'll be able to deal with this.<P>----------<B>More Good</B>----------<P>I'm attending college (YAY!!!! )....online, of course. It's only one class right now, but next month, I will be taking two new classes along with this one. Hopefully by the time I'm done with all the courses I want to take, I can then get certification for becoming a web developer. <P>But it doesn't stop there. I still want to physically go to college. I want to be a computer programmer. I eventually want to know as many computer languages as I can. I have four under my belt now.<P>Well, I just wanted to let you know what was going on with me.<P>Thanks, <BR>Miaka<P>PS Me and my husband seem to be getting along much better now, talking more and stuff like that. <P><p>[This message has been edited by yuki miaka (edited January 28, 2001).]

Miaka,<P>Glad to hear things are looking up for you...<P>I'll give you this little pearl of wisdom...<P>The past does not equal the future...<P>Take good care!!<P>Bill

<B>WilliamJ:</B><P>Hello!! <P>Thanks for your advice, but I don't think I was very clear with what I meant by that. What I meant is that my mother is trying to start up her lies that she used to tell on me when I was younger. She's trying to make me and my brother look like we're crazy and making this all up.<P>That's what I meant by that. It's an old game she used to play whenever she got scared that I would "tell" on her about what she was doing to me. The object of the game was to place doubt in whoever's mind for me so that they wouldn't believe what I was saying.<P>My mother is straight crazy and she makes me sick. She is the past and she keeps coming back trying to cause problems and trying to mess up church and stuff. It's really evil what she's doing.<P>I'm trying not to let it get to me, but for everything she's done to me and to go and pull this SAME dumb game of hers infuriates me! Uggghhh! <P>I'll be OK, though. I will work it out.<P>Thanks,<BR>Miaka

Dear yuki,<P>Big smiles from this end! You're doing so well, making such growth. Sometimes it's painful, I know. Growth hurts. And it's not always forward, either. Sometimes it's 2 steps forward, one step back, and sometimes it just plateaus and seems to stagnate. You're already seeing positive signs from all your hard work.<P>I support you in keeping your son away from your mother if she abused you and your brother. Until she admits what she did and apologizes and tries to make restitution, she has no "rights" to see or be with your child. It's your job as a parent to protect the baby from her if she's an abusive or neglectful person. Her feelings are a non-issue, and if she has a bad track record, a bad history, and has not faced up to it, you can't risk your child's well-being with this person.<P>Anecdotally, the woman across the street from us has 2 beautiful boys who were friendly with our son for awhile. She has been institutionalized since we met, suicide threat. Spent months in a hospital. Lots of provocative, inflamatory behavior, alienated everyone she came in contact with. Because allowing the boys to see our son would mean we would have to risk interacting with her, we cut off ALL contact. The boys don't even play on the street or in the yard with our son.<P>Anyway, the point was that one day, when we'd barely just met, she blurted out to me that she was terrified that her boys would be molested, and never allowed them to sleep in the same room with each other. Her mother's brother had raped and molested her for years. I asked her did you ever tell your mother? She said yes, and I said, what did your mother do? She said Nothing, and she still keeps in touch with the uncle, and has the nerve to show me the pictures he sends her with his children. I said, I don't understand, didn't anyone confront this man, go to the authorities, report him? She said NO! I asked Why? She said They are all cowards, and they own land in common. I said How can you trust your mother to watch and protect your boys if she didn't protect you and take care of this matter after you told her, and keeps consorting with the man who abused you? She said "SHE'S MY MOTHER". As if that answered it. She failed to see that it wasn't logical to put her boys in the care of the mother who in effect gave permission to the uncle for his sexual abuse on her own daughter.<P>You, on the other hand, have the wisdom to know that a leopard doesn't change its spots, and you love the baby enough to protect him from a dangerous person. Kudos! You really deserve the title Mother!Is there any chance you could change churches in order to lessen contact for yourself with that woman?<P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess<p>[This message has been edited by Bellevue (edited January 29, 2001).]